Mockingjay: Peeta's Story
by EscapeArtist25
Summary: The last book I'm writing in Peeta's POV. See my profile for the first two. I cover what Peeta went through when Katniss wasn't involved. The hallucinations, the war effort, his descent into madness, and his ascent back to reality.
1. The Threat

**A/N: We all know there will be a Mockingjay movie, and I just have to say that I think Michelle Rodriguez would be PERFECT for the role of Paylor-District 8 rebel leader. What do you think? **

**If you haven't yet read The Hunger Games or Catching Fire in Peeta's POV, I highly recommend you read those before reading Mockingjay. But it's not entirely necessary. If you'd like to read those, visit my profile for the link.**

**Before I introduce Mockingjay, let me remind everyone that this story is rated T. The last two were also, but just in case. Mockingjay has a much darker atmosphere around it. The language is worse(though I'll use the worse language sparingly), there's suggestive themes (put into Peeta's head by the Capitol), and a lot more violence and disturbing thoughts. **

**I give you Mockingjay:**

I sit here, with my jaw dropped, and I must look like the morphlings we encountered in the arena. My mind is racing so fast, and even though I have questions, I can't find the words.

"I know, I know. Why are you here? How did you get out of the arena? All that." Snow says, leaning back in his chair, and looking far too comfortable. He's enjoying my uneasiness. Shocking.

"Where's Katniss?"

And that right there was probably the stupidest question I could think to ask considering the position I'm in. But it's the question that I care the most about.

"Oh, she's safe. She's in District 13."

"13?"

"Yes. 13 has existed this entire time."

"But what about the videos? The obliteration?"

"Those were, uh, _little_ fibs we had to tell the Districts in order to keep you all safe. Couldn't have another war now, could we? More deaths? More motherless and fatherless children? No. We said 13 was gone. And no other districts tried to rebel and start an unnecessary war. Until now."

"She's there?"

"Oh, yes, she's the face of their movement. She's there, her family's there. Gale's there. And you, well, you're here. I wonder why?"

"I couldn't get to her in time.."

"Oh, no, that's not it. My intelligence department of the Capitol's military say there was a plan to get her out this whole time. You were just a decoy."

"No, she didn't know anything."

"Oh? And how did she know the _precise_ spot to hit the arena force field? With her re constructed ear? Sorry, Peeta. We're good, but we're not _that _good."

"I don't understand."

"Don't take it personally, boy. I'm sure the real Katniss would have tried to take you with her…but she's long gone."

"What are you talking about?" I ask him.

"The Katniss you kissed on the beach. The one you gave the pearl to, she's fake. She's a genetically engineered version of the Katniss you knew before. She's a mutt."

I just laugh. How ridiculous. "With all due respect sir, have you had too much morphling?"

He grins. "You'll see kid. But if you want to keep the remaining citizens of your District safe, you'll cooperate with us."

"Remaining?"

"Oh, yes, District 13 took only a select few citizens of District 12 before blowing it to bits. Frankly, I'm quite upset about it. Where are we supposed to get our coal from now?"

"You're lying!"

Snow paces slowly to the left side of his desk and slides open the first drawer. He walks over to me, and squats in front of me so that he meets me at eye level. He shows me pictures of 12, pictures of my town, my home, the Victor's Village, the Hob, even the woods-all completely obliterated. Behind a wall of smoke and flame.

"My…my family."

"Is gone. This is why I was so determined on you both stopping these uprisings."

He has the nerve to put a hand on my shoulder. "I'm sorry it turned out this way, but really, you have no one to blame but yourself. And, mostly, Katniss. Or what we made her into."

I'm more confused than ever. Of course, I don't believe a thing Snow says, I mean, it's Snow. Of course I don't believe him.

"Like I said, we'll need you to cooperate. For your sake, and theirs," he says, waving me off. Two guards open the doors and release me. My hands are cuffed behind my back, and the two guards take me down four damp, cool, flights of stairs. Each level is darker than the one above it. Finally, we get to the bottom.

The walls and the floors are made of stone, but there are cracks all over. There are no windows. There are three cells, all side by side. There are bars separating the cells, and I think there's a reason: There are chairs in the center of each of the three cells, and these chairs are hooked up to all kinds of different machines.

Snow asked me to cooperate. I'm afraid that if I don't, I'll find out just what can happen in that chair.

I'm placed in the center cell. And that's when I notice that I am not here alone. Johanna and Enobaria sit in the next cell. In the other one, are two Avoxes. Darius, the one from our District, and a redheaded girl that I don't recognize. The guard throws me into the cell with such force that I hit the ground and the side of my face hit's the hard stone floor. I grunt when I hit it, then push myself up and look at the guard, who laughs at us before walking back up the stairs.

"Hey, Peeta." Johanna says. She turns to face me. "Oh my God, what's happened to you!" I ask her.

Both her eyes are swollen. The bruises on her eyes range from a light green to a dark purple. Her arm is broken in one place, where her elbow is. Her lip is busted open in several places, and her left cheek is swollen and cut up to the point where it makes her left eye almost invisible.

"I didn't cooperate." She tells me.

"This is bullshit," Enobaria adds. "All those years of listening to my parents talk nothing but good about the Capitol. How it was an honor to fight in the Games and all that crap. I do everything the Capitol wants and more, and I still end up here?"

"Oh, shut up. Sooner or later they'll figure out that you didn't know anything." Johanna tells her. Enobaria scowls but Johanna doesn't stop: "Don't worry your pretty little mind, Enobaria. We all know that you are the Capitol's bitch, just like the rest of the Careers."

"Fuck you!" Enobaria says before throwing a punch at Johanna. Johanna ducks, though I have no idea how she saw the punch coming with her eyes like that. Johanna lunges at Enobaria and knocks her to the ground, then starts pulling her hair as Enobaria screams.

"Stop it! Damnit! Stop it!" I tell them. But they don't listen to me. There is nothing I can do, stuck in this cell. "Are you guys crazy?"

I do the best I can to try and talk some sense into them but they've completely tuned me out, and they each get a few hits in before the guards stop it.

"Stupid girls," He says, pulling them off of each other. The guard is a big guy, he's tall, muscular, and olive skinned. He's got blond hair, though it doesn't look natural. He pulls each one up by their ear and throws them against opposite walls. Enobaria hits her head, hard, and falls to the ground, unconscious. Johanna's face hit's the bars separating her cell with mine, and she screams in agony as the impact has caused her already swollen face to start throbbing with pain.

I don't know what I can do. I just walk over and put my arm through the bars, and put my hand on her shoulder. "Maybe it's best you don't fight with her again." I say. Johanna gives me a hateful look before I add, "We all know you can take her anyway." Then she eases off and takes a deep breath, before staring up at the staircases that would lead to our freedom, if these steel bars weren't in our way.

Hours go by. We're brought food and water, but sparingly. We each get a small slice of bread, but it's partially moldy so I ended up throwing at least half of it out. I don't know what the girls or the Avoxes do. And the water I receive? It's enough to keep me alive, no more, no less.

Enobaria regains consciousness and as soon as she registers that she is awake and so is Johanna her fists ball up. Enobaria lunges at Johanna again and Johanna hits her over the head with a loose piece of stone she'd been hiding behind her back. And Enobaria is out again.

"Clever." I tell her.

"And this somehow surprises you?" She asks me.

It's quiet for awhile, but I received no answers from Snow. So I take a deep breath before I start to say, "Johanna-" but she interrupts me by holding her hand up to stop me. "Look, Peeta. I don't know much more than you okay? There was a plan in motion to break out of the arena, the more tributes rescued the better, but we had to at least get Katniss out."

"Why?"

"She's the face of the war." She senses my confusion.

"It's not a rebellion, anymore, Peeta. It's a full blown war. And she's the mocking jay. She's the symbol that sparked the fire that started the war. And the fire is blazing now. The rebel leaders need her."

"What about me?" She sighs.

"You read people so easily and yet you can still be so clueless," she says, before telling me, "Even if Finnick and I played nice like Nuts and Volts, there's no way in hell Katniss would have chosen to ally with us. She didn't even _choose_ to ally with Nuts and Volts-they were just the ones she was willing to ally with if she had to. You were the only one keeping the alliance with us and Katniss alive."

"So you used me?" I say, trying to hide the hurt. She rolls her eyes. "Don't be stupid. Even though we needed you to keep the alliance alive, we were making a huge effort to keep you alive too, if that wasn't obvious to you. You remember how distraught she was after you died hitting that force field. She might not have the energy or the will to go on if you died."

"I wish I believed that."

"Yeah, well, if you would have just stuck to the plan and stayed with Finnick and Beetee like you were supposed to, we'd be with them in District 13 right now. Except for this one," she says, pushing her foot into Enobaria's side.

"Finnick and I both told you not to be the hero. I did what I had to to get Katniss out safely, then when I went to meet you and Finnick and Beetee by the tree, Finnick told me you'd run off. I had to go find you, but the Capitol picked me up before I did. And now I know they got you too."

Words can not explain the guilt and anger I feel. Guilt, because Johanna is here, suffering, because of me. Anger, because, once again, I wasn't let in on the plan.

"How could you guys not tell us this?" I ask accusingly. She just shrugs. "We were afraid you'd blow it."

I don't validate that last statement with a response. How would we possibly blow it?

"Whatever, I'm going to sleep, I'm sorry you're here Johanna."

"Hm. Me too."


	2. The Deal

**A/N: To play President Coin- Meryl Streep or Kelly Bishop**

I'm woken up suddenly by shuffling feet. Enobaria has woken up, and she's moved across the cell, and sits with her back to the wall, staring at Johanna, who never went to sleep. Johanna yawns, as if she's bored, but she should be tired.

"Even though we both know you don't know anything and are willing to do exactly as the Capitol wants you to, you may still be tortured by them as Peeta and I will be, so there's really no point in hurting each other anymore." Johanna tells her. She gives her a hateful look, but nods before turning her attention to a weed growing into the cell via the cracked stone. She starts to play with it.

I crawl over to where Johanna is. "Safe to talk more?" I whisper.

"Don't see why not. I don't know anything valuable anyway," she says, louder than she normally would, assuming so that the Capitol would take the hint.

"So, who lived?"

She takes a deep breath like she's told me this a thousand times. "Chaff and Brutus are dead. Katniss, Finnick, and Beetee have made it safely to District 13, thousands of miles away from us. You, me, and Enobaria. We're the only tributes captured from the arena by the Capitol."

"And," I gulp, struggling to say it, "District 12? My home, my fami…"

"Sorry, Peeta, but I'm not in 13. I know 12 was bombed but that's all I know." This time, she looks in my eyes with sympathy.

The door to the cells opens. The large man who threw the girls against the wall earlier opens my cell door. "Snow wants to see you." He says, walking in and pulling my hands to my back to handcuff me.

I try to force myself to think happy thoughts, but in the end, I'd only be kidding myself. Snow wants one of two things. He either wants to kill me publicly or privately. I hope he just does it privately. Katniss doesn't need to see that, even if Snow is right and she really doesn't care. If it comes down to it, I could piss him off to the point where he wouldn't be able to wait to kill me on tv.

But I'm wrong. I'm let out of my handcuffs shortly before entering the room beyond the two tall, heavy, golden doors. Two guards open the doors for me, and after I walk in, they shut the doors, leaving me alone with Snow.

There's a table full of Capitol delicacies I've had only once before, at the Victor's party, here in the same mansion, only it was much bigger, and in another room. Classical music is playing, and Snow calmly dabs his mouth with his handkerchief before pouring himself a glass of red wine. A faint smile comes across his face when he notices my entrance. But it's not a friendly smile. I don't know how to describe it.

"Ah, Peeta. Sit down, will you?"

_Why, so you can slit my throat while I'm sitting there, defenseless?_

I don't sit, and he shrugs. "Suit yourself." He tells me, as he sits in his office chair. "I trust you had some time to think in the cells. See some acquaintances."

"Let them go, they don't know anything."

He laughs.

"Whether they know anything or not, they've betrayed Panem, they've committed treason. And treason is punishable by a gruesome, horrible, slow death. In my opinion, I'm being merciful by keeping them there."

"You-" I start to say. He interrupts me. "Listen, Peeta," He says, getting up. He walks towards me and put a hand on my shoulder again. "I've always liked you. I can't pinpoint why, but, you seem like a trustworthy kid. Cooperate with me, and I'll let you live. I may even let the other two companions you've got down there live. But, if you don't cooperate, I'll have to take desperate measures. You don't want me to take desperate measures."

He walks across the room, going into a large closet. He comes out with a suit that's my size, along with Portia, who's hands are tied behind her back, and blindfolded.

He removes her blindfold and her eyes light up, if only for a second, when she sees me. I must be the only familiar face, or at least friendly face she's seen since the start of the Games after all she was saying about the Capitol before the Games began.

Snow dabs his mouth again and clears his throat. "Eat up. Shower," he says, pointing to a door, that I'm assuming leads to a bathroom. "Get dressed. And most importantly don't blow it. Lives rest in your hands. You've got an interview with Caesar Flickerman tonight."

I'm speechless as Snow walks out the door. I know what he wants me to say. He wants me to use every weapon in my arsenal to discredit Katniss and the rebels and squash this war effort. He wants to use my power of words.

Portia is mostly quiet, but tears stream constantly down her face. Once I'm dressed and my hair is done, she straightens up my tie before hugging me and planting a kiss on my cheek. "Good luck, Peeta," She manages to choke out. "It was an honor working with you."

"I'm sure this is the beginning of several interviews Portia," Because it probably is.

"It will be okay." I tell her as she leaves, but that's a lie. I don't know anymore if everything will be okay. I don't know anything anymore.

I prepare backstage. But there isn't much of a crowd. I'd assume most citizens are still pissed off about the whole pregnant tribute thing, and the rest have probably been warned to stay inside in case of any riots. There won't be any, though, not here in the Capitol.

Though there are only a few faces, mostly political leaders, in the stands, there is a camera directly in front of me, and one in front of Caesar. And I know this will be a "Mandatory Broadcast" throughout all of Panem.

I don't have much time to prepare what I will say. I weigh my options but am disappointed when I can't come up with an idea that doesn't involve dying or discrediting the rebels. I could say everything I can to keep the war going, but they'd cut me off before anyone would have a chance to notice. Not to mention, kill me and probably Johanna instantly.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, boy have we got a special treat for you tonight! Peeta Mellark!" That's my cue.

Walking on stage, I weigh my second option. I can do as Snow says and go against the rebel cause, try to lead the people back under the Capitol's wing.

Neither choice is ideal, obviously, but I've run out of time, because Caesar is looking at me expectantly.

"I bet you'd thought you'd done your last interview with me, Caesar."

"I confess, I did. The night before the Quarter Quell. Well, who ever thought we'd see you again?"

"It wasn't part of my plan, that's for sure." And I'm stalling. Stalling, stalling, stalling. Yet, no new options come up.

"I think it was clear to all of us what your plan was. To sacrifice yourself in the arena so that Katniss Everdeen and your child could survive."

"That was it, clear and simple. But other people had plans as well."

"Why don't you tell us about that last night in the arena? Help us sort things out?"

I told him how it felt in the arena- like an insect, trapped in a bowl. Every hour, the clock ticking, promising some new horror you'd somehow have to endure. All the while, he's nodding his head, like he understands or something.

"You have to imagine that in the past two days, sixteen people have died, some of them defending you. At the rate things are going, the last eight will be dead by morning. Save one. The Victor. And your plan is that it won't be you."

Snow hasn't decapitated me yet, so maybe talking about the arena is still okay. "Once you're in the arena, the rest of the world becomes very distant. All the people or things you loved or cared about almost cease to exist. The pink sky and the monsters in the jungle and the tributes who want your blood become your final reality. The only one that ever mattered. As bad as it makes you feel, you're going to have to do some killing. Because in the arena, you only get one wish, and it's very costly."

"It costs your life," says Caesar.

"Oh no, it costs a lot more than your life, to murder innocent people? It costs everything you are."

Caesar nods, agreeing. By this point, I'm so full of bottled up anger, confusion, and loss, that I just decide not to over think anything. Whatever my mind tells my mouth to say, is what I'll say, regardless of the consequences.

I told them everything: About my last dying wish being to save Katniss, and the split second fatal mistake I made to find her when the wire was cut. To save Katniss, in case they didn't know what happened with the force field, I just say it blew out, but then Caesar tells me that Katniss blew it out. And my first instinct, as always, is to protect Katniss.

"She didn't know what she was doing! None of us could follow Beetee's plan! You can see her trying to figure out what to do with that wire!" I snap. And I realize what Caesar is up here to do…he's up here to get a confession out of me. But he won't get it. Oh no.

He jumps back, startled by my sudden shortness with him. "All right, it just looks suspicious."

That's when I jump out of my chair, and get within inches of Caesar's face. "Really? And was it part of her plan for Johanna to nearly kill her? For the electric shock to paralyze her? To trigger the bombing?" I realize I'm yelling now. I don't care.

"She didn't know Caesar! Neither of us knew anything except that we were trying to keep each other alive!" I'm nearly hysterical now, scared to death of what Snow will do to me. Katniss is safe, though, that I know. She's now being protected by the entire rebel army.

Caesar finally backs off, but then asks me about Haymitch. It dawns on me that I haven't even mentioned his name since I've been here in the Capitol. I have no idea what happened to him. But if he's not here, then he must be in 13. Meaning he knew about it. And he broke his promise to not leave me out of the loop again. Because he has, and it's costed me so much already.

"I don't know what Haymitch knew."

Because, honestly, he probably knew, but I don't know for sure.

"He never mentioned anything." I tell Caesar when he asks if Haymitch could have been a part of it.

"What does your heart tell you?"

Well, let's see. My heart tells me to grab Caesar's microphone and use it to knock him out. My heart tells me to find whatever weapon I can, to hit and kill Snow. My heart tells me to run, run to 13. But it's not possible. I'd never make it. We're thousands of miles away.

"That I shouldn't have trusted Haymitch. That's all."

He pats my shoulder, and I force myself to let him and not snap back. "We can stop now if you want."

Sure, we can. If it were just me and Caesar. But it's not. Snow will want more.

"Was there more to discuss?"

I was going to ask about your thoughts on the war, but if you're too upset…" he begins.

Snow catches my glance and nods his head. This is where he wants me to condemn this war and all involved. And go back to living in peace and starvation and murder, here in Panem.

I look straight into the camera and address the nation watching. "Stop for a moment and think about what this war could mean. For human beings. We almost went extinct fighting the one before. Now our numbers are even fewer. Our conditions more tenuous, is this really what we want to do? Kill ourselves off completely? In the hopes that what? Some decent species will inherit the smoking remains of the Earth?" Caesar tells me he isn't following.

Very bluntly, I call, on national television, for a ceasefire.

And it's true, everything I said. About killing each other off. About our population already so little because of the last war. I don't want this war, I don't. But the alternative? Go back to the oppressive, horrible life we lived? No. No one wants war. Not even the most evil person on the planet wants war. But sometimes, war is necessary. And I wish I could tell Katniss what I really want to say, "Fight on, Mockingjay. Lead the country to peace."


	3. The Brainwashing

**A/N: Idea for this chapter's hallucination comes from ****Kamil the Awesome****. **"Excellent idea, Peeta, calling for that cease-fire," Snow tells me. I just nod. "Caesar was right when he told me you had a way with words."

Snow leads me down a hall in his mansion. "Peeta… I'd like to show you how…_accommodating _we are."

He opens a door in his mansion, and the rooms are just like the ones in the Training Center and on the train. But bigger. "This is your room, for tonight. In the morning, breakfast will be brought to you, and then we've got a special project for you. If you cooperate, you'll come back here tomorrow night. If not, well, you'll be seeing your friend Johanna again real soon."

He shuts the door without giving me a chance to respond. The carpet is a deep blue, the bed frame is a dark colored wood, with a down comforter on it, and a remote on the nightstand. It's probably got controls for the bed the way that the showers have controls. I look around and can't help but think just how nice it all is. Then I remember Snow's words, "We've got a special project for you."

No matter how comfortable this bed is, I won't be able to sleep tonight.

In my dream, I'm with Katniss in District 13, and Gale has been taken by the Capitol. In this alternate reality, Gale went with Katniss to the first Hunger Games, not me. She watches him on tv, interviewing with Caesar, while I stand in the background, but it doesn't look like anyone can see me. She has both hands resting on the tv, her eyes glued to it. When the interview is over and the tv clicks off, the room goes dark, and the people in the room before are no longer visible. The only light is right above Katniss, who turns and seems to look directly at me when she says, "Traitor."

I wake up shortly after four in the morning, sweating the way I did when I was having trouble sleeping on the train. In my half-asleep stupor, I reach over to pull Katniss closer to me to help me sleep, but my arm hit's a pillow. Then I awaken completely and realize that Katniss is not here. She's in District 13. I lie on my back, and put my hands behind my head.

I start to wonder what the dream meant. About Gale being in the Capitol instead of me, about her saying the word "Traitor," about the lights all going out after the tv shut off, but I can't interpret any of it. It's possible that I'm feeling guilty about calling for a cease-fire when really I know the only thing that will do is get us back to where we were before, under complete Capitol control. And if that were to happen, I'm sure we could expect an extra special Hunger Games next year.

When it becomes obvious that any more sleep will be impossible, I decide to clear my mind in the shower.

I set the shower to my desired settings, and let the warm water fall over me while I anticipate what project Snow was talking about. Another interview, maybe? It won't do any good to worry about it, of course, but I can't shake the sense of impending doom out of my head.

An Avox brings me toast and orange juice. Not much, but much better than the stale, moldy bread and tiny bit of water I had the day before. She hands me a note that says, "Snow's study. 9:00" That means I've got two hours to prepare myself for whatever this project is.

I don't know why, but I was expecting Portia to come by and show me what to wear. When she doesn't show up, I assume it isn't an interview that I'll be going to. As time passes, the worry I feel gets heavier and heavier, and I have to do something to distract myself, so I decide to go down to the cells and check on Johanna. It's the least I can do to go and check on her. I feel like a jerk for staying in a nice room last night while she's suffering. I should have declined Snow's offer, but that might be misconstrued as "not cooperating," meaning Johanna and I could be tortured more.

The toast and orange juice comes right back up when I see them. Enobaria looks as badly as Johanna did the day before. Johanna is beaten even worse than she was. She's leaning with her back against the cell bars, staring blankly at nothing in particular. I walk over to her and touch her shoulder, and she turns quickly and jumps away from me. "Hey, it's just me."

She looks confused. "Hey, Johanna. Come on, it's Peeta."

A small, mouse-like voice from the opposite corner of the room says, "Did you enjoy your nice fancy suite?" It's Enobaria.

I don't have an excuse, there really is none that would be acceptable to two girls who've been badly beaten and near starving. In a jail cell. So I just say, "I prefer the company that comes with the cell." She still looks pissed but it shuts her up.

"Time to go," says the guard, opening the cell. "NO! NO! Please!" Enobaria screams. She says something else but the screams muffle it and I can't understand what she says. He drags her out by the legs when she refuses to come willingly, and she tries to cling onto one of the cracks in the stones on the floor. I watch two of her nails snap and her fingers begin to bleed when she loses her grip on the cracks.

What the hell are they doing to her? And she's from 2! Whatever they're doing to her, I'm sure Johanna is getting the worst of it. I run closer to her and grab the bars with my hands. "Johanna! Are there keys anywhere?"

I don't really know what to expect. Obviously, even if I did find the keys, and I did manage to get her out of the cell, we'd never escape Snow's mansion. And if we did, even if we got all the way out of the boundaries of the Capitol, where would we even go?

Still, I can't bear to watch them drag Johanna away to some kind of torture and do nothing about it. "There's no keys, Peeta. The cell operates electronically. The guard unlocks it with his fingerprint."

The door opens, and the guard comes back. Johanna screams and backs herself up against the furthest cell wall from the guard, but it wouldn't make any difference if he were here for her. But he isn't. He's here for me.

I'm taken down a series of corridors and hallways, ending up outside a door that says, "Authorized Personnel Only. B-1"

The guard opens the door, and the room is about the size of Snow's mansion, but the tile is white, the paint is white, there are two flourescent lights…no wait, I recognize this room. This is the room with no windows that I woke up in after being taken from the arena.

Where the bed was that I was lying in, there sit's a chair. The chair has restraints, but nothing else. In front of the chair, there sit's a man who looks like a scientist. Next to him on his left, Snow sits. And in the middle of them, there is a table, with a small, indestructible briefcase, holding God knows what.

"Peeta, I trust you slept well?" Snow asks.

I don't answer. "No matter. Have a seat."

He instructs me to sit in the chair, and I oblige, because, really, I have no other options.

The guard restrains me. Once I can't move my limbs or neck, Snow speaks.

"Now, Peeta, this will only hurt a little bit. But like I said, if you don't cooperate, there are other ways.."

The scientist looking guy puts a thick, fat needle into my arm and shoots a green, murky liquid through it, and I watch it go into my veins. Before I have a chance to ask what it is, I feel my eyes close.

I'm in the arena. "Oh, let her stay up there. It's not like she's going anywhere. We'll deal with her in the morning," I say to Cato. Katniss has gone up a tree, after the fire rained down and the careers chased her. Cato, confused, asks me "Why the change of heart, lover boy?"

Before the Games started, I'd told the Careers that I'd like to ally with them. In exchange for my help in finding Katniss, they'd agree to kill her last, and kill me right after. It was a deal they couldn't say no to. But my real plan, was to protect her as long as possible with this "deal," so that I'd be able to keep the Careers off her tail for at least a few days. When the time came to protect her, I could and then they'd kill me. But this was only the second day, and they were already going to kill her. I had to think of something though, before they found a way to get up that tree. "So, you all broke the deal. So what? Frankly, I'm tired of these Games. The sooner you kill her, the sooner you kill me."

I'd hoped Katniss would climb down while we were sleeping, but that wasn't going to happen because Cato put Glimmer on watch duty.

I wake up in the middle of the night. Rue is sitting on the branch that Katniss fell asleep on. They're giggling, and they look down occasionally. "So, none of that is true?" Rue says.

"Not at all."

"It won't be at least a little hard to kill him, being from the same district and all?"

"Nope. I barely know him. He's nothing to me. In fact, watch this."

Katniss stands up and pulls her knife. She starts sawing a branch, and when I look closer, the branch has a nest of tracker jackers on it. I realize that when the knife cuts through, the nest will fall on top of us. I want to move, I should be moving now, but I can't for some reason. I can't move until the nest actually hit's the ground and tracker jackers begin flying everywhere.

I get up, but one stings me in the leg and I fall. I get stung on the neck, the earlobe, two on my chest, and right before I pass out, one comes flying towards my face, and it's face resembles Katniss. Before it stings me, it says, "You should have let me die and just fed the pigs instead."

Suddenly, I'm standing on the roof of my bakery, holding a half burnt loaf of bread. I'm eleven years old. The girl I'd been in love with for six years, she's starving and leaning against a tree trunk. She sees me and we make eye contact for the first time ever. I look to the pigs. I'm supposed to give the bread to them. I look back inside at my mother, who isn't watching me. Then, I bring my arm up to toss the bread to Katniss. But, before my hand releases it, Gale shows up.

"Katniss, there you are. I've got fresh game." He says, holding up a game bag. "Deer."

He reaches out his hand, and she takes it. He helps her up. She's got a huge smile on her face. "I haven't had deer in I don't know how long."

They walk hand in hand away from the bakery. And my mother stands at my side now. She smacks the back of my head, before taking the bread and tossing it to the pigs. "She doesn't need you Peeta. No one does. Best to get that through your head now."

I'm awake, sitting in the chair in front of the scientist, tears falling freely from my eyes. I wipe them from my cheek and force myself to stop.

The memories…I'm conflicted. "But I thought I gave her the bread…"

"I know, Peeta." Snow says. "I'm sorry you had to find out this way."

"Find what out this way?"

"That you've been manipulated."

I have two separate sets of memories. In one, I give her the bread. In the other, Gale helps her instead, and my mother tells me she doesn't need me. I don't know which memory I Had first. It couldn't have happened both ways, could it?

In the arena, I also now have two memories of it, and like the bread, I don't know which one came first, and which one is real, or if they both are, to some degree.

What's happening to me?


	4. The Lullaby

**A/N: I don't own the song I use in this chapter. It's a popular lullaby.**

**For the role of Boggs: Vin Deisel **

"What did you do to me?" I demand.

"Nothing, Peeta. We're just testing a new truth serum, for when we catch the rebels. Why, what did you see?" The scientist asks.

"You're lying!" I know this will get me put me put back in the cell. But I do it anyway. I try to shake out of my restraints, but it's no use, I can't get free. I scream at the top of my lungs. "Let me out! Let me out!"

Snow shakes his head. He motions to the guard to let me out. When I'm out, I try lunging at the scientist. I must still be delirious, because his face morphs into a tracker jacker, then I shake my head and close my eyes, and when they open, he's back to normal. "Temper temper. That will get you nowhere," The scientist says. Snow looks at me and says, "Take him to the cells."

I don't care. I prefer the cell anyway. It's harder to sleep, and the food barely keeps me alive, but it's better than sleeping in a room that belongs to Snow. It's better to be among people I can trust. Or at least half trust.

Johanna is sleeping when I get back, so I'm quiet. I have a million questions, again, and I hope she can answer some. But I seriously doubt it, since I didn't know her in the first Games. I'm delirious. I am struggling to remember which memories are the correct ones. But for some reason, two are more detailed than the others, they're more in focus, so I think it may be those. The others are fading away.

I thought I threw Katniss the bread but maybe it was a dream. Gale coming to find her seems a little more likely anyhow. As for the tracker jackers in the arena, I guess I don't blame her for wanting to kill me and not hesitating about it at all. I was with the Careers, anyway. What would I have thought if she teamed up with them instead of me? I'd be hurt, betrayed, I wouldn't understand why she would do that. I wouldn't kill her the way she tried to kill me, but I was in love with her, she wasn't in love with me.

Snow pays me a personal visit later in the day. "Do you see things clearly now?"

"I think so."

I vaguely remember sitting a chair for…for something. "What was I doing in the chair?"

"We were trying out a new truth serum."

"What does that have to do with me?"

"We just asked you questions while you were sleeping."

"We asked you to give us a memory of Katniss, and you told us the one where Gale showed up with deer. Well, it's a good thing they're in District 13 now. Because hunting on Capitol land is punishable by death. We also asked to tell us a memory of when you were in the arena, and you told us about how Katniss tried to kill you with the tracker jackers. Of course, that one we saw on television."

I nod my head.

"Are you ready to cooperate now?"

What?

"Was I not cooperating earlier?"

"You don't remember trying to strangle Mr. Yves?"

Oh. I remember that. But I don't remember what I was so upset about.

"Oh, yeah I remember."

"So, what are your thoughts on the traitor rebel now?"

"Katniss?"

"Yes."

"She didn't know anything. I swear it."

Snow shakes his head before nodding to the guard. The guard presses his fingerprint on a small pad on the cell door next to mine. "Let's go Mason" he says, taking Johanna.

She screams bloody murder. She screams like a little girl who is frightened for her life, not like the hardened, tough girl I remember from the games. Her face is so innocent, and she begs for mercy, but knows none will come. I step up and walk to my cell door. I can't get out. I reach my hand out. "I'm sorry!" I shout to her, before the door shuts, and I'm left here.

Enobaria still hasn't returned from wherever they took her. Johanna has been gone for what I guess to be about twenty minutes. The only people here are me and the two Avoxes next to me. I'd forgotten about them. I curse myself for it, but they're so quiet that I don't remember them being here until one kicks a rock. I look over. They're sitting side by side. One, I remember,is Darius. I barely knew him, but he was from my district. He helped save Gale when he was being whipped.

"Hi, Darius." I say. The girl stands up and gets a piece of jagged rock off the ground. She writes on the ground, "Lavinia." Then scratches it out. "Hi, Lavinia. I'm Peeta."

But this is the last time I see her.

The guard comes back in. He throws Enobaria back in her cell. She's naked and wet and shivering. She huddles in a corner, holding herself to try and warm back up.

"When you talk, you'll get a blanket." The guard says.

"I don't.." She starts to say.

"What? You don't know anything? If you didn't, you wouldn't be here." He says, his face hard. The guard laughs in her face and slams her cell door, before walking out.

I'm touched on my shoulder. Lavinia passes me her blanket off of her bed. She motions for me to pass it to Enobaria. "Thank you." I say. Then I crawl to the other side of my cell, and I set the blanket just inside Enobaria and Johanna's cell. "Here, Lavinia told me to give you this."

She looks my way, but doesn't take it. "Come on, you're cold. I'll turn around."

I do, and I hear her shuffling to get the blanket. But I turn around when I hear the door slam open again. Johanna's screaming. "STOP!" She says. He opens her cell door and throws Johanna in. He'd had hold of her hair, and nothing else. When she falls to the ground, he holds in his fist a clump of brown hair that belongs to Johanna. She's got blood trickling down from her nose and one of her ears, and a red bald spot where the guards fist was.

"Who gave you that?" The guard asks Enobaria. She shakes her head, trembling. He opens the cell door again and rips the blanket away. "I said, who gave you that blanket!" He shouts at her, but she turns around, crying, trying desperately not to meet his gaze. I don't blame her.

"I did." I say. He walks over to my cell and prepares to open my door, but then notices the two blankets on the two bunks in my cell. "I wouldn't lie again, boy. I don't care who you are. I'll slit your throat right here and feed your corpse to the rats."

There's an image I won't get out of my head for awhile. Especially since right after he says it, he sees the missing blanket in Lavinia and Darius' cell, and executes them both, right there in front of my eyes.

I'm screaming in terror, and Johanna is rocking back and forth in the fetal position, singing some kind of lullaby, but not one I recognize. Enobaria looks to be out of her body. She sits there, naked and still shivering and wet, but she's no longer trying to warm herself or cover herself up. She simply sits there, staring at the door the guard left out of.

I do my best not to look in the cell where Darius and Lavinia's bodies are now draining of blood, I don't even try to move. But when I feel something wet touch my hand, I jump.

A trail of blood from Lavinia's throat has come across her cell and into mine, touching my hand. I move away from it, as far as I can. I wipe my hand on the blanket that I'm not using. I carefully get between my fingers and under my fingernails, but the smell of fresh blood won't leave my hands. I end up rubbing my left hand until it's raw. But the smell is still there.

Eventually, I give up. The door opens, and I feel my stomach drop. Who are they taking this time? Me.

I go willingly, I don't want to be dragged by my hair.

I See the familiar door, "B-1".

I'm strapped in the chair I was in this morning, only now it's much later in the day. Almost dark, I'd assume. But there's no windows in here.

The scientist sits across from me again. Now, I'm hooked up to a machine, by my index finger.

Snow comes in, dabbing his mouth with his handkerchief again. "We're going to ask you a series of questions, Peeta. Just to get an idea of where your mind is."

"What am I hooked up to?"

"A lie detector. Your ability to pass will get you back to your cell safely. Failing, however, will get you punishment. And lying, is the worst of all."

I gulp. There's no way I'll pass this the way they want me too. They don't want me to answer honestly. They want me to tell them what they want to hear, and at the same time, not be lying. That won't happen. I have the chills, and I'm sweating, so much so that the scientist has to refasten the machine to my index finger twice.

"Your name is Peeta Mellark."

"Yes."

"You're from District 12."

"Yes."

"You tried to defy the Capitol by taking the berries."

Actually, no. I had no idea that was her plan.

"No." Thank God, it says I'm not lying.

"You are in love with Katniss Everdeen."

"Yes."

"You trust Katniss Everdeen."

"Yes."

What surprises me, is that I hear the beeping that signals that I've just lied. My subconscious is registering that I don't trust her. But why? I thought I did.

I guess that I feel uneasy about that question because she's so hard for me to read sometimes. I never knew what her intentions really were. But that doesn't mean I don't trust her, does it?

"You're results for the last question were inconclusive."

"What does that mean?"

"It means you're not sure," the scientist tells me.

"Does that qualify as a lie?"I ask. Snow shakes his head. I'm safe. For now.

"Let's resume," The scientist says, then he clears his throat.

"You trust the Capitol."

No. Not this question. No matter what I say, I'm screwed. I try to trick the machine. I take a deep breath, close my eyes and imagine somewhere peaceful, desperately trying to change my rate of breathing and heart rate to fool it.

"Yes."

The beeps are loud and clear. I lied.

"Do you believe that the Capitol knows what's best for you?"

Maybe since it caught my lie, I'd be better off telling the truth.

"No."

No beeps.

"You knew about the rebel plan to bust the Mockingjay out of the arena."

"No."

"The Mockingjay knew about the plan."

"No."

"The Mockingjay left you behind."

They're trying to trick me. Technically, yes, I was left behind, but she wasn't the one doing the leaving. District 13 left me. And they might have come back, if I wasn't picked up by the Capitol first. What are my options? I don't have all the time in the world.

I can say Yes, because, technically, she is there and I am here. I can say no, because, it wasn't her intention to leave me behind.

The scientist, or, Mr. Yves, repeats the question, to which I answer, "Yes." The machine registers that I'm not lying.

I'm unhooked. "Today was a test run on you Peeta," Snow says. "Now that you know how it works, tomorrow you have no reason to lie. Take him back," Snow says.

The guard walks me to my cell. I go willingly, again, but I'm starting to think this guy just likes violence, because even though I'd go into my cell with no problem, he pushes me and I do a faceplant on the ground. He shuts the cell door and leaves.

Johanna looks at me. "Did you pass?"

"No, not really. But it was a test run he said."

"You'd better convince yourself of what they want to hear. Next time they won't be so generous."

When she says this, Enobaria looks up and nods, slowly. Then she gets onto her bed, still shivering from the cold, and huddles up, trying to warm herself since she has no blanket. Johanna lies on her bunk then, and I lie on mine.

I hear Johanna hum the song I heard her hum earlier. The sound is soothing, and I want to know the words.

"Can you sing it?" I ask.

Then she raises her voice, and I fall asleep listening to it.

"_Beautiful dreamer, wake unto me,_

_Starlight and dewdrops are awaiting thee._

_Sounds of the rude world, heard in the day,_

_Led by the moonlight, have all passed away._

_Beautiful dreamer, queen of my song,_

_Listen while I woo thee with soft melody._

_Gone are the cares of life's busy throng._

_Beautiful dreamer, wake unto me._

_Beautiful dreamer, wake unto me."_


	5. The Door

I don't sleep well, but I think that comes with the territory of sleeping in a freezing cold cell that smells of blood and decomposition. The bodies of Lavinia and Darius have been removed, but only after the smell of blood coated the floors. I still see the red stain.

The amount of terror that overcomes me when the door opens makes me faint and I have to lean against the wall for support. My eyes grow wide when I see them take steps closer to my cell.

I'm being taken back to B-1.

I walk in the room, and the scientist is there, and Snow is by his side, just like last time. "The truth serum again?" I ask them.

They nod.

"What's it for anyway?"

"In case a rebel is captured, we can use the serum to get information." Snow says.

"How does testing it on me work? Last time, I didn't pass the lie detector."

Snow seems to hesitate. Then the scientist, Mr. Yves, says, "It wore off by the time we tested you with the lie detector."

"Then what's the point of it if it wore off when you needed to test for it?"

Mr. Yves pretends not to hear me, and tells me to sit down, which makes me wonder that maybe the green stuff isn't truth serum. It sickens me, not knowing what is going into my arm as I sit here in this chair again. But I have no other option. I can't decline. It would just piss them off and they'd force me.

I feel my eyelids get heavy again, and I start reliving a memory.

I'm in District 12 in the town square in front of the Hall of Justice. Panem's flag waves high above our heads. I see my brother standing next to me. It's the reaping for the 74th annual Hunger Games:

The town square is packed with people, all eligible males are to wait on one side of a thick rope, then there's a middle aisle leading straight up to the stage, where the unfortunate will stand when their names are called. The other side of the aisle, there's another rope, the eligible girls are to wait behind this one. All families of all eligible and possible tributes wait behind us, hoping for the best, but expecting the worst. I sneak a look back at my family. My father is chewing on his thumbnail, a sign of how nervous he is. My brother Jacob is just standing there next to him, and then Jacob makes eye contact with me, and gives me a hopeful thumbs up, as if to say "May the odds be in your favor." My mother, on the other hand, is chatting up another woman from the neighborhood we live in, talking about who knows what, but probably gossip. Such as who isn't dressed properly, or whose names are in the reaping the most amount of times, or whose parents aren't keeping their composure. I love my mother, but sometimes I don't understand why she can be so insensitive.

Then, my brother Riley tells me to pay attention. A Capitol announcer by the name of Effie Trinket, according to the profile on the big tv screens, is walking out. Behind the microphone and glass bowls where she'll draw names, are three chairs, made with wood and velvet. One is intended for Effie, one for the mayor, and one for our district's only living Hunger Games victor, whose name is Haymitch Abernathy. He is not in his seat. Everyone knows he is a drunk mess all the time, so he's probably passed out in a gutter somewhere. He doesn't care if the reaping is mandatory. He'll show up when he feels like it. Effie sits down in her chair next to Mayor Undersee. When two o clock strikes, Mayor Undersee gets up to the microphone, and begins reading the history of Panem, just like he does every year during the reaping.

Rebellion, blah blah blah, Dark Days, blah blah blah. I'm not really paying attention anymore. It's the same story we've all heard a thousand times and really couldn't care less about since our lives may be cut short. Then, near the end of the mayor's speech, a very drunk, very messy Haymitch staggers onto the stage and tries to hug Effie. Clearly disgusted, she pushes him away and fixes her hair before stepping up to the microphone. Haymitch passes out in his chair. His behavior is on national television, and I know my mother is bitching about it to my dad this very second. "I can't believe he would go up there like that not having bathed or dressed nicely. And he is _drunk,_ I would be absolutely ashamed if…." By this time my father normally tunes her out.

Effie Trinket walks excitedly over to the microphone. She addresses us her strange, uppity Capitol accent, "Happy Hunger Games," like it's some sort of holiday or something, "May the odds be ever in your favor!" Then she talks about how happy she is to be here but I really just want the whole day to be over with. I don't care that there is a big feast after the reaping, with friends and family and fun and games. They are all my mother's friends anyway. I know there are two district 12 families grieving while we are celebrating, and it's wrong. Effie then inhales sharply and says, "Ladies First!" I'm crossing my fingers, hoping it isn't a girl I know. It's horrible anyway you look at it, but slightly less horrible than someone I know being up there. Effie clears her throat, then looks up from the paper, and says "Katniss Everdeen!"

Suddenly, the image in the memory changes. It stands out more, becomes more focused, more shiny. I watch Katniss reluctantly walk up on stage. I keep feeling like something's not right. Something's missing. But this memory is crystal clear.

My name is called then, and Effie has the two of us shake hands when we get on the stage.

When I grab Katniss' hand to shake it, she twists my wrist-hard, nearly breaking it.

"Whoa! Save it for the arena, will you?" I tell her. She glares at me and smiles, but the smile looks like it hides hatred. What the hell did I ever do to her?

I hear words, I recognize Snow's voice, but my body doesn't move, and my eyes don't open, it's as if I'm in a trance of some sort.

"We had to up the dosage."

"Why?"

"Last time he struggled to distinguish which one was correct, he was conflicted. Upping the dosage will assure us he sees only one."

What are they talking about? One what? I don't have time to think about it though, because then Mr. Yves says, "He's coming out of it," and I feel the thick needle pierce my skin again.

It's March, and I'm in the Hob on a cloudy Sunday morning, seeing to it that Greasy Sae gets the fresh bread I promised to give her every morning.

"Looks like rain."

"God, I sure hope not." I quickly look away. I shouldn't have said that. I'm still upset at Katniss for playing with my emotions during the Games. To top it off, she hasn't spoken to me in four months, since we got off the train. She probably won't speak to me until the victory tour, two months from now.

But today, Sunday, is Katniss' hunting day with Gale. Hunting is therapeutic for her, and rain would keep her home, at least I think so.

I have to remind myself over and over again not to care. What do I care if she misses hunting with Gale? Calling us friends would be a stretch, and it's not like I buy the meat she hunts anyway.

"You okay, Peeta?" Greasy Sae asks me.

"Yeah, just… rethinking things." Greasy Sae gives me a warm smile that reminds me of my grandmother that passed away when I was little.

"Thank you for the bread, Peeta. My granddaughter just loves it. She comes to visit on Sundays."

"That's good to hear," I say, smiling back, and I'm genuinely happy for her. But the moment is ruined by a sudden clap of thunder. Brightness fills the Hob, and I look outside and watch rain pour down.

"There it goes," She says. "Be careful getting home okay?" She tells me.

"Sure."

I walk outside, but see Katniss and Gale. I don't know why, but I hide behind a corner. I can see through a hole in the wall I'm behind, and I'm within earshot so I can hear them. They're running, both of them with an empty bag over their backs. They were hunting but didn't catch anything?

Seems highly unlikely.

Katniss never misses. Gale is very good with his snares and bow too, there's no way they wouldn't have caught anything if they were hunting. Maybe they weren't.

The rain is pouring so hard that they are already soaking wet. They run towards the Hob, but shortly before getting inside, Gale backs up against the fence outside and grabs her by the hand, spinning her around to face him. They're laughing, having fun. Then her eyes light up when she looks at him, the way I wish they would when she looked at me. It happened only once, in the cave, her looking at me like that.

He puts his free hand behind her back, pulling her closer, and kisses her. The kiss probably doesn't last as long as it seems to to me. Just seeing it is so unbearable that it seems to last forever.

When he lets her go, she smiles, and blushes, tilting her face down to look towards the ground. He gently puts his hand below her chin and raises her eyes to meet his. "I had to do that, at least once." He tells her.

Then, everything comes into focus. Everything brightens, suddenly I can see every raindrop fall, at a precise speed. I can see it's exact shape and the exact way in which it falls. I can see every strand of Katniss' hair, and I can see every scar on Gale's arms in great detail. I rub my eyes, everything becoming too shiny, but when I open them, the vision is the same.

She moves closer to him and puts his hand around her waist again, and she kisses his jaw, right above his neck. She puts a hand on his chest, over his heart. "You have my permission to do that again." She tells him.

"I might just take you up on that." He says, touching his forehead to hers. He kisses her again, and this time I'm sure it lasts longer. She gets more into it as well. It's painful. It feels like there isn't enough air in the Hob, and I feel a strong urge to leave. To go outside and take deep breaths to force my heart to beat again. I need to run, I need to run fast. I need to get out of here.

But they leave before I do. Katniss laughs. "We don't have anything in our bags, what are we even doing here?"

"Force of habit, I guess," Gale says, laughing. "Come on, let's go home."

She kisses him, and takes him by the hand, and I watch them run around the corner, holding their bags above their heads, heading to the Victor's Village.

"Peeta, wake up." I hear.

When my eyes open, I notice the wet spots on my shirt. My nose feels slightly runny and my eyes are swollen and red. I've been crying. That vision, or memory, whatever it is, it got to me. Bad.

"We're done with this today, Peeta. Time for the lie detector." Mr. Yves tells me, standing up and taking off his gloves.

A guard wheels a cart in. On top of the cart, sit's the machine that I cannot beat. I cannot tell a lie while hooked up to that machine. And the truth won't set me free, either.

My finger is fastened to the heart rate monitor, and they hook up the rest of it while Snow reads over a chart. When it's ready, all of a sudden, the walls in the room shift.

"Is this real?" I ask.

"The walls? Absolutely," Snow answers.

I watch them shift and change until I look around and see that there are now exactly 13 doors placed around the room.

"What are the doors for?" I ask.

"For the liars." Mr. Yves says, then Snow adds, "And for the rebels."

Well, this should be fun.

Mr. Yves leans my chair back, and tells me to relax, while Snow gets up, rereading the chart. He takes a drink of water, before preparing to ask me the questions.

"You're name is Peeta Mellark."

"Yes."

"You're from District 12."

"Yes."

"You tried to defy the Capitol by threatening to kill yourself with night lock berries in the 74th Hunger Games."

"No."

"You are in love with Katniss Everdeen."

I don't hesitate. I can feel betrayed by her or extremely hurt because of her, or I can be extremely mad at her, but it won't change the fact that I love her. Love conquers all, right?

"Yes."

"You trust Katniss Everdeen."

"No."

This answer came out without me even thinking about it or knowing I said it. It was like I was a third person watching me answer it. No? Yesterday I wasn't really sure, but today it's just a flat out "No."

There was no hesitation, no rapid heart beat, no deliberation. But worst of all, the lie detector did not register that answer as a lie.

I don't trust Katniss Everdeen. At all.

Do I have good reason?

I don't know.

I want to slap the smile off Snow's face.

"You trust the Capitol."

"Partly." I say. The machine registers this as the truth.

But I should have known better than to think I'd get off that easy."

"Yes or no, please, Peeta." Mr. Yves says.

"No."

The machine doesn't beep.

The next question doesn't come. Snow stands up. "Release him."

"Sir, we aren't finished with the…" Mr. Yves says before being interrupted by Snow again.

"Release him, I said."

Mr Yves nods his head and puts the machine away. Then Snow motions toward the exit, and Mr Yves leaves through that exit, leaving me alone with Snow.

"Peeta, these doors represent the thirteen districts. Behind each one, there is something different." I nod. Some different kind of torture I bet.

"You won't be going through one of these." He says.

He walks over to a control panel that I hadn't seen before, and presses a button, revealing another, different colored door, with a golden frame.

"You'll be going through this door." He tells me.

"What's behind it?"

"You will have to trust me. You will have to trust the Capitol."

"What if I'm not ready to trust the Capitol?"

"Then, you'll be going through not one, but two of the other doors."

I weigh my options, like I have some. My instincts are screaming at me to not go through the suggested door, but if I do, I'll be facing one thing. By refusing, I'll be enduring two different types of torture.

"You've got to have more trust in the country that knows what it best for you, Peeta. This door is the best choice for you. Go through it."

My feet begin moving but I'm not consciously doing it. The conscious Peeta is still standing back there, looking back at the district doors and then the suggested door. Yet, I touch the golden handle on the red door. The suggested door.

I step through it and see my greatest wishes come to life.


	6. The Reunion

On the other side of the door, was my family. Not all of them. Just my mother and brother Jacob.

"Peeta!" My mother said, running up to me, embracing me. She kisses my cheek. "I've missed you! I'm so happy you're alive!"

"You are?"

She looks hurt. It's not my fault that my question hurt her. After so many years of hitting me for whatever reason she could come up with, knowing I wouldn't hit her back? After years of no hugs, no kisses, no singing to me when I was sick, she wasn't a mother, she was more like a ruler. It sounds bad but, I honestly never really thought she cared about my well being.

"Yes, Peeta. I'm so sorry, about everything." She says, wiping tears from her eyes.

I don't have a response. Partly because I don't know if she means what she says. She's a pathological liar. What is she doing here anyway?

I look then at Snow, demanding an explanation.

"District 13 bombed District 12, and we were able to get your mother and Jacob out in time, your father and Riley, however, well, I'm sorry, Peeta."

I thought my entire family had been killed. How is it that my mother and Jacob are just fine and my brother Riley and my dad are not, when they live in the same house? It all seems kind of suspicious, but I tell myself to stop questioning everything.

What matters, is that my mother and brother are here. I have family here, with me. Even though my mother and I have never been close, and there were times I wished I wasn't her son, she's still my mother. Jacob, emotionless, empty Jacob, is still my brother.

I allow myself a few seconds to shut my eyes and remember warm memories about my father and brother Riley.

The last time I spoke to Riley, was right before the reaping for the second Games, after it had been announced that the Victors would be reaped. He showed up at my door and announced that him and some other mine workers were fed up, and that they were "Going to put up one hell of a fight."

This was a declaration of war against the Capitol, and I thought for sure that it'd be the Capitol that killed Riley and the other mine worker rebels, not District 13. The Capitol knew that District 12 was uprising, they could stop it easily by murdering the rebels, but they didn't. District 13, the rebel leaders, killed my father and my brother. But why? It doesn't make sense. Weren't they fighting for the same cause?

The last time I saw my father, was in his bakery. Before it was announced that we were going back into the arena. He told me that Katniss and I had stirred up a lot of trouble, and that he was extremely proud of me for that. He told me that my gossipy mother had picked up rumors from the mayor's wife about the rebelling districts, and that we'd inspired them, Katniss and I.

"Peeta," Snow says, putting a hand on my shoulder. "I'll give you some time alone with your family."

Snow leaves the room, and my mother bursts into tears.

"I'm so sorry, Peeta, for everything."

I don't answer. She looks at Jacob.

"For not acting like a mother to you boys. I think maybe the reason I acted that way towards you was because, well, I never wanted children in the first place."

This is not news to me.

"See, my brother, your uncle,"

I stop her, "I don't have an uncle."

"You did."

And then I understand.

"Your uncle, my younger brother, was reaped when he was fourteen. I was eighteen at the time. He died in the Hunger Games. On the first day, at the Cornucopia."

This, however, is news to me. And even Jacob looks shocked.

"Mom, why haven't you ever told us," Jacob asks her.

"Well, look at the mess it's making me into. I couldn't allow myself to feel like this. I couldn't allow myself to feel anything for anyone, I was so afraid that they'd be taken away."

Jacob and I are urging her to go on with the looks on our faces.

"I swore I'd never have any children. But, shortly after his death, I found out that I was pregnant with Jacob. It wasn't completely your father's fault, but I hated him for it. And I feel bad for saying it, but, I did. But, I knew that I couldn't raise Jacob alone, and I married your father. After Jacob was born, I withdrew from everything. Allowed myself to become more of a machine than a human. I made sure I kept up appearances, did everything I was supposed to, acted a certain way. And after acting like that for so long, eventually, it was no longer an act."

My mother isn't heartless, she's damaged. It's not an excuse. But it makes me feel better.

"She acted different after you left to the first Hunger Games, Peeta," Jacob told me. "She was worse. She did everything she could to not like you so that if you died she wouldn't be in pain."

"I'm sorry, Peeta, I really am, and I love you," she says, hugging me. Eventually I allow myself to let my guard down and hug her back. "I love you." Those are the words that I've anxiously waited to hear my mother tell me for all seventeen years of my life. I hadn't heard them once until now. There are only a few things in this world that I want. And one of them was for my mother to finally love me. And I finally have that. And the Capitol gave that to me. They saved her. They saved my mother. For me.

I walk out of the door, with my brother and mother following close behind me. I'm afraid that they'll vanish if I don't keep a close eye on them, so I look back every other step.

Snow puts them up in the room I stayed in last in his mansion. Before I'm allowed to go in, though, he pulls me to the side.

"Do you understand that we've always had every citizen's best interest at heart, now Peeta?"

I am not hooked up to a lie detector. So I take advantage of that and lie. "Yes."

After all the Capitol has done, the starving kids in the districts, the Hunger Games, the threats to Katniss' and her family, and to me and my family? I do not think the Capitol always has every citizen's best interest at heart. But they did save my family. I can give them that. I still don't trust them, but maybe they aren't as bad as the rebel leaders claim them to be.

Maybe there's a more peaceful solution to everything. Maybe, the rebel leaders and Snow could negotiate a deal. Peace in exchange for no more hunger games, and maybe increase each district citizen's food rations. If we had more food and no Hunger Games, Panem wouldn't be the horrible place it used to be. And we could avoid another war.

I bring up my idea to Snow. "We've tried, Peeta. They're out for blood, just like they were last time. They won't stop until they kill all of us, everyone that represents Panem and their families."

"But,"

"They're using Katniss, or, our creation of her."

Now I remember him telling me that she wasn't real, that the real Katniss was dead. I didn't believe him. I still don't. There's no way, she acts just like she always did. It would be impossible to create an exact replica muttation of her. And what purpose would that serve?

I sidestep his comment, not wanting to call him a liar or let him think I believe him, which I don't.

"War cannot be avoided unless the Districts stop rebelling. And as long as she's filming her propaganda, they won't. She's the mocking jay."

"Propaganda?" I ask him.

"It's too dangerous to show you the footage. But she's encouraging everyone to fight, and she's speaking badly about the Capitol. They've fed her lie after lie, and since they are the Capitol's enemy, she believes every one of them. But don't stop and think that they won't kill her as soon as they're done with her, just like they killed your father and brother."

His words cut like a dagger through my chest. Hearing that they killed my family makes my heart race and my legs and arms restless. I feel adrenaline boiling in my bloodstream.

"I've scheduled an interview for you tonight with Caesar. Let's get you cleaned up, you look like you've become sickly in that cell. Good thing you understand that we're only trying to do what's best. Now you can stay in the mansion with your family."

He clears his throat before walking away.

My stylist isn't Portia. I don't know his name. Only that he is abnormally tall and thin, with spiked blonde hair and blue eyeliner. When he's done with me, I see myself in the mirror for the first time since I've been here.

I do look sickly. Like Snow said. I must have lost at least fifteen pounds, and you can tell that I haven't been sleeping by my heavy, dark, swollen eyes. My cheeks don't have color, probably from a lack of proper food. My hands and legs shake also, but I don't know if it's because of the lack of proper nutrition, or if it's the anger I feel towards the rebels for killing my family and using Katniss, making her think she's safe when she's not.

Caesar talks to the audience, jokes with them, while Snow prepares me backstage. He straightens my collar, and tells me, "Now remember, you've got to do everything you can to convince Katniss to stop fighting on the wrong side. Convince her that they aren't trustworthy."

I nod my head. I can do this. I'm good with words, and I am sure I can at least plant a seed of doubt about 13 in her mind.

"Peeta," Caesar begins, "You're looking thin, what's your secret?"

"Stress, Caesar. Best diet ever."

I hear people in the audience murmuring about how that's true.

Caesar laughs. "Don't I know it? So, how has the Capitol been treating you since you've arrived? Rose scented showers?"I laugh, but only because I feel like I have to. I have to convince Katniss that everything is fine. She has to think that the Capitol is being good to me, so that she won't continue supporting the rebels.

"Oh yes, that and much more."

"Well, what could you be so stressed about then?" He inquires.

"Well Caesar, I'm sure you've heard the rumors."

"Oh yes, about your baby. I'm sorry about the miscarriage, Peeta. I'm sure I can speak for everyone when I say that our hearts go out to you."

Huh? That wasn't what I was talking about. But then I do the math and if she were really pregnant she'd be showing by now. So someone must have come up with the miscarriage ruse. Probably the Capitol, to keep the citizens happy. If the audience found out our romance was almost entirely staged, they'd be heartbroken.

"Yes, well I appreciate that. Life goes on."

Then Caesar brings up the topic I really had in mind.

"Now, have you heard the other rumors? About Katniss taping propaganda films for the rebels?"

I nod my head. I look directly in the camera. Hopefully, she's watching. And if she sees the genuine concern in my eyes for her safety, maybe she'll listen to me.

"They're using her, obviously. To whip up the rebels. I doubt she even really knows what's going on in the war. What's at stake."

"Is there anything you'd like to tell her?"

"Don't be a fool, Katniss. Think for yourself. They've turned you into a weapon that could be instrumental in the destruction of humanity. If you've got any real influence, use it to put the brakes on this thing. Use it to stop the war before it's too late. Ask yourself, do you really trust the people you're working with? Do you really know what's going on? And if you don't…find out."

"Well, I couldn't have said it better myself. No one wants another war, do we folks?" He says, this time, somber. The audience shakes their heads.

"Live from the Capitol, this is Caesar Flickerman and Peeta Mellark with a message to the rebels."

Then, the camera stops rolling.


	7. The Descent

"Well done, Peeta," Snow says, escorting me back to my room.

Once inside, I feel guilty. For more reasons than one. First, I'm sitting here in safety while Katniss is in danger in District 13, not knowing what they're capable of. Second, I can't shake the feeling in my chest that I've made a big mistake, but I can't put my finger on what. And third, I can't help but feel bad that Johanna and Enobaria are down in those cells while I'm up here, nice and warm, with a full belly and my family to keep me company.

I can't sleep. I find myself at 3 am wandering the hallways, and I make myself swallow my guilt and the sick feeling that comes with it and go down to the cells. No guard is necessary, since the cell doors can't be opened without his fingerprint. So he's not here.

I open the door, and Johanna looks to have healed some, but she's worse in other ways. Her eyes are still swollen and bruised but her cheeks are back to their normal color. The gashes on her face and lips are there but have scabbed over. But, I see her rib cage even through her shirt, and then I can see every other bone in her body. Johanna is dangerously underweight. Not only that, but she's got a blank stare on her face. Like she's not here. Only in body is she here.

I don't really know what to say, but I sit on the outside of her cell, facing her.

For awhile, we just sit quietly. Then, she starts to sob, and I sing her what I can remember of the song that she sung to me the night before. This seems to calm her some, as now, she lays down on the floor with one hand under the side of her face, using it as a pillow.

I reach my hand through the cell bars and stroke her upper back.

"Peeta, what do you want?" She asks.

"What do you mean?"

"Just what I asked. What do you want?"

"I don't know, I guess I want this whole rebel thing to be over. This war."

Johanna sits straight up.

"What?"

"Well, yeah," I tell her, confused, "it's just causing pain and death."

"No, Peeta, no." She says, shaking her head.

Johanna looks around the room constantly. There's no camera's or ears to listen in the cells, it's pointless. It's not like anyone could stage an uprising from inside a jail cell. Her words are safe, but she's paranoid. I don't blame her.

"What are they telling you, Peeta?"

When I don't answer, she says, "Peeta, listen to me. They will say anything, _do _anything, to make you believe them. Having you on their side makes them as strong as the rebels with Katniss on their side. You are the Capitol's main defense."

"No, well, maybe I am. But I don't understand why the rebels won't just agree to a cease-fire. I'm sure the Capitol would be willing to negotiate."

She stares at me dumbfounded for several seconds.

"Are you really that stupid?" She tells me. I get defensive.

"Look, I have my doubts about the Capitol just like everyone else, but they saved my family, and they only did what they did to keep another war from happening."

"You can't kill children for fun and justify it by saying that the purpose of it is to keep another war from starting. That's not even their worst crimes. Do you not remember living in your District? I don't know about you, but people died every day from starvation. People here have not only everything they need, but everything they want."

It's like, I'm two people.

One part of me fights with the other part of me over whether the Capitol is the evil entity or if it's the rebels.

"You know what I want?" Johanna says. Then I remember that's how this whole conversation got started. She asked me what I wanted.

"What?" I ask her.

"I want everything to be over. I want the torture to be over. I want to no longer be of any use to the Capitol so that they will kill me."

It pains me seeing her this way.

"I want to die."

Johanna shakes my hand off of her now and crawls, painfully, groaning, back to her cot and covers herself.

"Go on back to your warm room Peeta. You earned it." She says, in a sharp tone.

On my way back, I pass B-1, and I can't help myself but to look through the small window. I see Enobaria in the chair, and I put my ear next to it. Luckily, the doors are thin and I can hear. Are they using the truth serum on her too?

Enobaria looks to be asleep, but I think she's just in a trance. Her eyelids move back and forth constantly while Mr. Yves injects the green liquid into her right arm.

"You are in your District. You are standing in the town square on the reaping day with your brother."

What are they doing?

"Give her more," Snow says, who is observing.

"She's already knocked out, Sir," he protests. "If we give her too much she'll lose her mind and not be of any use."

What? Give her too much of what?

"She's not speaking to us anyway. We haven't got time to be patient with her. We already have to be patient with the boy."

"I highly suggest we keep her at the current level."

"Give her more venom or I'll find someone who will. The false memory needs to stick this time."

WHAT?

No one is chasing me, no one noticed I was there. No one even looked up, yet, I'm running. Not just running, _sprinting _through the halls and up the stairs, around corners, trying to get back to my room.

My head is foggy and my forehead is throbbing. I feel a lump in my throat and force myself to keep it back. Then when I stop, I'm inside my room door, panting desperately.

I lean forward to catch my breath but I end up throwing up.

I'm experiencing so many different emotions that I feel like I might pass out, so I sit down on the edge of my bed, resting my elbows on my knees with my head in my hands while I replay what I just saw in my mind.

Everything comes together now, everything makes sense.

I have not been injected with "truth serum". I remember the green ooze that covered my tracker jacker stings in the first Hunger Games. They put tracker jacker venom in me to put me into a state of hypnosis. Then they manipulated my hallucinations by speaking to my unconscious mind and planted fake memories into my head like they were just doing with Enobaria. The thing is, I don't know which memories are fake. I don't know what they said to me while I was "asleep", and I don't remember what memories I had when I woke up.

I grit my teeth and tug on my hair. What's real? What isn't?

They could have replaced any memories they wanted. How do I know which ones are the fake ones? I don't. There's no way to tell unless they tell me, which they won't.

The line that divides reality from insanity has disappeared. Everything I know to be true may not be. Questions start plaguing my brain. It starts with something so complex and trickles down into something so basic that I'm convinced that I really don't know anything anymore. I don't know anything.

Is Katniss really being used by District 13?

Did 13 really blow up 12?

Am I in love with Katniss?

Was I even in the Hunger Games?

Does Katniss even know who I am?

Does Katniss even exist?

Do I know who I am?Who am I?


	8. The Triumph

**A/N: In the following chapters, Peeta becomes less and less himself, and more and more "Capitol Peeta", or CP. CP's thoughts will be italicized. This way, you can all see Peeta desperately trying to hold on as Capitol Peeta takes over.**

I will go absolutely crazy if I just sit here and question everything I know to be true. I have to do something. I walk over to the window and open it.

I stick my arm out, feeling the warm, summer air. I'm guessing it's somewhere around June, but there's no way to know for sure. I look down, out the window. Below me is a garden, with a small fountain directly below the window I stand inside of. My arm goes through the window just fine, so there isn't a force field. I could jump out of this window, right now, right here, if I want.

Nothing can stop me. Riley and my mother are sleeping, if they are even here, and there's no force field. Even if eyes are watching me, I'd be dead before they could stop me.

If I angle my body right, I'll hit the jagged rocks in such a way that it will kill me instantly. No more games. No more torture, no more confusion.

But I can't do it.

It's reassuring that at least some part of me knows that this body and soul I inhabit wouldn't do a thing like that.

Now, one thing I know for sure. It's better than knowing nothing.

I am more lost now than ever. And more desperate, and more hopeless. I've always seen the good in a situation, but I can't see any way out of this. My heart hasn't been mine in a long time. My mind is no longer mine either. The Capitol has taken everything from me.

But what do I do now that I have this information?

Escape is impossible.

I could confront Snow, but wouldn't that make everything worse?

Should I confront Snow and risk mine and my family's lives over it?

Or should I be obedient in giving away my memories, my thoughts, my entire life?

No, I cannot do that. I can't let them be hurt because of my refusal to play along. I'd rather die. Just like in the Hunger Games, I'd wanted Katniss to live, not me.

_But those memories might be fake. Katniss might be fake._

I have to talk to Johanna.

The cell is dark and cold, moreso than usual. Johanna and Enobaria are huddled together under a blanket. They're shivering. I walk up to their cell door and grasp the bars.

"What?" Johanna asks me sharply.

"I…I have some questions."

"I don't have answers Peeta, I told you."

"No," I say, looking around. "I think Snow is manipulating our memories."

This gets their attention.

"How?"

I tell them briefly what I saw them doing to Enobaria, and then she went into the deep despair that I found myself in once I heard Snow talking about it.

Johanna wipes a tear from her eye as she walks towards me. She grabs my hand sympathetically. "You're Peeta," She says.

"God, what have they done?" She says.

"Torture is one thing, but, stealing your memories, is, stealing who you are. I can't imagine any greater evil."

Then, I feel myself being picked up from the collar of my shirt. The guard has me in his hands, and he opens the cell doors with his other hand, pulling Johanna out by the hair.

We sit here together in Snow's study. There is a clock on the opposite wall that I am sure was not there before. It has no numbers, and only one hand, the second hand. I watch that second hand go tick, tick, tick, and I'm sure the clock was put here to make us nervous, and it's having a profound effect, though I don't know what it is about the clock that upsets me.

That's right. The arena.

I swear I don't hear a door open, but the toxic smell of blood and roses suddenly circulates the room, signaling his presence. I don't dare turn around.

He walks around to face us, and his face isn't the understanding, kind face that I was tricked into seeing earlier in the day when he showed me my family. The face I saw on stage looking at Katniss after the first Hunger Games greets me now.

"Peeta, I try to do you a favor and this is how you repay me?"

"What?" Playing dumb will get me nowhere, but I need to buy time.

He stands up and looks out the window at the Capitol. "I went the extra length to find your family and save them for you, and I rescued you from the Capitol before the mutt had a chance to kill you…" He wants to go on but then Johanna says, "Oh what a load of shi-" she stops herself. Her eyes widen. She's used to saying whatever is on her mind but she knows she can't do that here. What just slipped out of her mouth could end up getting us both killed.

"You're not particularly smart, are you?" He walks closer and gets within inches of her face. "Well, have I got plans for you."

He snaps his fingers and a guard takes her. "No! NO I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I didn't mean that!" She screams over and over again, but she may as well be screaming to a wall for all the good it's doing her. She's dragged out of the room screaming, kicking, gasping for air.

And I sit here, in Snow's study, awaiting my fate as well.

He clicks his tongue. "So, you know we've been manipulating your memories."

I nod.

"Well, I guess there's no longer any use in trying to play nice. Truth is, I can make you think anything I want. I can change any memory into a memory that I want you to have. I can make you into anyone I want. And you don't have an option."

I've never felt a greater sense of despair, as I now sit here obediently in the chair in B-1. My memories and my life are in Snow's hands and it won't change. I can't escape and trying will only make this more painful. I see no way out this time, because there isn't one.

I close my eyes so that I don't have to watch the green poison injected into my blood:

It's February, one month before the Victory Tour begins. Katniss and I haven't spoken in five months, not since the end of the Hunger Games. Calling us friends would be a stretch. I've passed by her in the Hob on some days, normally Sundays with Gale. But today is different. She's not here. I find myself worried and so I go to her house to check on her.

_When I get there, I see her door is already open. I walk in and drop to my knees, screaming. Primrose's cat is sitting there, licking Prim's cold, lifeless hand lying on the ground. Her mother's corpse is next to hers. _

_The only reason I'm able to get back up and start walking again is because Katniss is not here in the living room, meaning she might still be alive. And if she is, I have to keep her alive. _

_I follow the eerily familiar scent of blood and roses until I get to a particular room. There is blood on the door knob and I know I'm in the correct place. I open it and see Katniss, bleeding from her head, but still very much alive, sitting in a chair, facing me with her hands tied behind her back. Snow stands directly above her, gun in hand. _

"_He's arrived," Snow says, and Katniss looks down. "Look away, Peeta," she tells me. _

_I lunge at him, hands ready to wring his sorry neck and make him drop his gun, but I don't get there in time. I hear the gunshot ring in my ear. When I look up, I see a single bullet hole in the middle of Katniss' forehead. Her eyes roll back, and then her body goes limp as Snow cuts the rope that was tying her hands, allowing her dead body to fall freely to the floor._

_I get there in time to catch her, and I hold her in my arms. I use my fingers to pull her eyelids closed, and for a minute, it's just me and her. I forget that Snow is there._

_I rock her back and forth, singing a lullaby my grandmother used to sing me. I only know a few of the words though, so I hum the rest. But I know that really, the words don't matter, the song doesn't matter, she can't hear any of it, she's gone. _

_I'm so upset that I can't remember how to breathe. My body starts convulsing to get air because I can't breathe through the sobs. _

_I look up with red, teary eyes to Snow, sitting there, cleaning the blood off of his hands with his handkerchief. _

"_How could you do that? She was just trying to save me with the berries!"_

_He looks at me, smiling. "No, she wasn't. It was an open act of defiance."_

"_Only to save me!" _

_He laughs now. "Stupid boy. She didn't do it to save you. Love that strong doesn't exist."_

No! Don't believe it! I'm thinking while waking up. My eyelids flutter but I don't allow myself to come back into conscienseness because I know that once that happens, this memory will be carved in stone. And it's not real. Katniss didn't die after the first Hunger Games. Katniss is alive. She's alive and she's doing well and she's fighting for justice against these sick freaks who are doing this to me. She hasn't forgotten about me and she won't.

I'm awake fully now, but I don't allow myself to open my eyes. Instead, I say as loudly as I can, "Katniss is alive."

I open my eyes, my words still clear in my head. I successfully fought the fake memory they were trying to implant. Earlier, I was hopeless, now I have hope. Just a flicker, but still, some.

I register the looks on Snow's and Mr. Yves faces as far past surprised. They look, like they've just seen the impossible. When Snow comes out of shock, he looks angry for the first time in a long time. Not scary or controlling or evil, he looks angry, which tells me that it's because this is the first time in a long time that he hasn't been in complete control.

But, I am a fool to think that it will stop there. "Take him to door 12." He says, dismissing himself, before the guard grabs me by my wrist.

The guard takes my wrist and twists it hard until it snaps and I scream out in agony. If I'm not already in enough pain, he's now dragging me by my broken wrist into the door labeled "12."

_I have a memory flashback of when Katniss and I were reaped before the first Games, and when we shook hands, she tried to break my wrist._

The door opens and I find myself in a small room, maybe big enough to hold five people. There is a chair in the room identical to the one I just got out of, in the center. There are two coal burners in the corners of the room. The guard restrains me to the chair, and tells me to prepare, I don't know what exactly he means, but I've got a general idea.

I'm here, restrained, with hot coals around me.

I spend the next five minutes repeating, "Katniss is alive," just to be sure I don't allow their fake memory to set in. But I only have about five minutes, because after, my mother and brother are shoved into the room. The guard has a gun and stands next to me, putting the barrel to my head.

Is this where I die?

Snow comes in, looks at the coals, then to my family. "Burn him." He says.

The look of terror and disgust is clear in my family's eyes. "But, why?" My mother asks.

Snow shakes his head. "Burn him or we'll shoot."

My mother doesn't have an option. She can either burn me with coal or let me get killed. "Go ahead, mom. You don't have another option."

I watch my mom walk over to get a piece of coal in tongs and walk back over.

I was expecting to burn, but the pain is much worse than I had originally anticipated. I grit my teeth and grunt, throwing my head back, trying not to scream. "I'm so sorry," she says, but Snow's eyes are still on her, and she has to leave the hot coal on my burning flesh awhile longer.

"She can take the coal off when you say, "Katniss is a mutt."

I shake my head violently, and so the hot coal stays on my skin until it cools off the point where it doesn't burn anymore. My singed skin still hurts and stings and burns like hell, but it's not getting any worse. Yet.

"Burn him," Snow says, to my brother this time.

Now, I've got two round burn circles. One on my upper left arm and one on the upper right. Snow asks me again to say that "Katniss is a mutt," but I shake my head again.

It's the longest two hours of my life. When I finally am near fainting from the screaming, the grunting, the crying and the pain, Snow tells me again to say she's a mutt. I glance over my scalded body. Burns all up and down my arms and chest, one on my cheek, one behind my neck, and plenty on my stomach. The smell of burnt flesh is almost as bad as the smell of death and the smell of Snow's blood.

I ask myself what harm it will do me if I just go ahead and say it. My family is so emotionally distraught from torturing me at the hands of Snow that they are shaking just as violently as I am, only they're in emotional pain while I'm in both.

Even though they had to do it, it is still heartbreaking to watch your family slowly burn you while you scream until your body has no more energy left to scream with.

Saying it once won't make me believe it, right? I'm in too much pain, and I need this to stop. I don't see it stopping anytime soon, and so finally, I let tears fall down my face and say, "Katniss is a mutt."

I don't expect what happens next. At the exact same time I say it, Snow pulls a hidden syringe with green liquid and I realize what's going on.

I've said, out of my own mouth, that she's a mutt, and I'm getting a lethal dose of jacker venom. I'm no scientist, but it's not hard to put the pieces together, and in thirty seconds, everything changes.

_Katniss is a mutt. Katniss was killed by Snow before the Victory Tour last year. There is no more Katniss Everdeen. She's gone._

And this is perhaps my most clear memory.

I'm taken back to my cell. My family goes back to the room they were assigned.

I don't even get to my cot in the cell before my eyes shut and my body falls over. I feel the side of my face smack the cement floor hard, and I'm in excruciating pain when I pass out.

When I come to, the first person I see is Johanna. She's watching me. "You were out for awhile." She tells me.

"What happened to you?" I ask her, remembering that she was taken before I was.

She stands up and takes off her clothes. In any other situation it would be slightly uncomfortable, like it was before the last games, but not here.

All over her body, are bruises. Her olive skin is still there in patches, but her skin color is majorly black, blue, and different shades of gray and green. "What have they done to you?"

"Door number 10."

She senses my confusion.

"The doors represent the districts. That's why you were so obviously burned with what? Coal?"

I nod.

"District 12: Mining. The torture matches the district."

"What happens in 10?"

She doesn't answer me.


	9. The Noose

I'm hooked up to the machine again, in room B-1. The heart rate tracker is on my finger, and it's ready to go.

I can't think about Katniss right now. I have to focus on the machine and do the best that I can to trick it, even though I haven't been successful at it so far. But I can't endure any more torture. Maybe it's because of what happened to Johanna, but I have a feeling that door number twelve is one of the less painful ones. I will go into another room if I fail this test.

"You're name is Peeta Mellark," Mr. Yves begins.

"Yes."

"You're from District 12."

"Yes."

"You tried to defy the Capitol by threatening to kill yourself with night lock berries in the 74th Hunger Games."

"No."

"You are in love with Katniss Everdeen."

Yes. _No, you're not. She's dead. You can't be in love with her if she's not here, she doesn't exist._

"The real one? Or the mutt?"

"The real one."

"I was, yes."

"But you're not now?"

"No, I guess not."

"Yes or no, please, Peeta."

"No."

"The mutt?"

"What?"

"Are you in love with the muttation of Katniss Everdeen?"

I Hadn't thought about that. Am I? I was in love with the Katniss I drew pictures for for her book. I was in love with the Katniss that I held at night on the train. I was in love with the Katniss I kissed on the beach. Yes.

_But, is it possible to love someone who is not naturally human?_

"I'm not sure if that's possible."

Mr. Yves is twirling a pen around in his fingers while he stares at my chart. He asks Snow, "Satisfied?"

"Hardly," Snow replies. Then Snow turns to me. "For argument's sake, let's say that yes, it is possible."

"Then, yes."

"That's what I was afraid of." Snow says.

"What? Why do you care?"

Snow gets up and paces back in forth in front of me, slowly.

"You don't completely understand, Peeta. She is dangerous."

I laugh. "She's a handful, but she's not dangerous, at all."

Snow nods his head towards Mr. Yves, who then takes the machine off of me. I'm still restrained in the chair. "Am I done?"

"Not yet," then I try to think happy thoughts while I watch the thick needle go into my skin, holding the tracker jacker venom:

I'm in the arena, during the second games. We leave the beach, and enter the beginnings of a jungle. A very hot, very humid jungle. We don't run very far before we're all tired and out of breath, and sweaty. The air is so thick.

Finnick, Mags, Katniss and I resolve that the first thing we all need to do is find water. We walk for awhile, but we don't find anything and Katniss suggests that we should try the other side. Still, I think if I could just slash away some of these vines with my knife, maybe we'll find a stream. I hear something, like a faint humming sound. It could be water. _Then the last thing I remember is being pushed. The only one behind me, was Katniss._

_I wake up after being revived by Finnick. Katniss is sitting away from us, and her look is cold. If looks could kill, I'd be dead. _

_I look around me and Finnick tells me that I hit a force field. She pushed me! Katniss pushed me into a force field! She tried to kill me! WHY?_

Fast forward to that night. We all have a dinner of force field roasted nuts and seared "Tree rat," is what Finnick called it.

Finnick takes first watch and Katniss volunteers to go next. _I'm a little afraid to sleep, since she tried to kill me just a few hours ago._

_A short time later, I wake up to the sounds of choking, gagging, and coughing. I open my eyes and see Katniss running. So I look in the other direction and see a wall of mist. The outer mist is starting to enter our camp, and breathing it is worse than not breathing at all. It's poisoned. _

_Finnick helps me up, and he carries Mags while I struggle to run in back of them. Katniss is now way ahead of us. _

_The mist gains on me, and I accept my death before slowing down, to let it take me. _

_But it doesn't get the chance to. Finnick comes back for me, having dropped Mags off somewhere, I'm assuming in safety. _

"_Ready?" He says. He helps me up and runs off, leaving the mist behind us. _

"_Why did she leave me?" I ask him, while he's running. He's too out of breath to answer._

After it's over, Katniss, Finnick, and I are the only ones left. I don't know what happened to Mags, but I don't want to ask. I remember my dad telling me that salt cures everything, and so I dunk my body in the ocean when we get out of the mist.

I see a murky white substance draining from my pores underneath the water. The pain from it is worse than the fog itself, but the longer I stay in the water, the less pain I feel. I am relieved to know that it's working.

I'm the first one healed enough to walk, so I offer to take our spile and go tap a tree for water.

_Shortly before I finish cutting the hole in the tree I need for the spile, Finnick comes to get me, and tells me, very calmly, that there's something I need to see and to follow him back to the beach. He sounds calm yet urgent at the same time, and I know there must be a reason, so I do as he says._

_We're almost out of the jungle and back to the beach, when Katniss, who is still on the beach, looks over our heads, and screams._

_The scream sets off a huge group of ravenous monkeys hanging in the trees above us. _

"_Damnit!" Finnick tells her, "What the hell did you do that for?"_

_She smiles and watches a monkey come straight for me, but then a girl from district 6 jumps in front of me, and the monkey's claws and teeth puncture her lungs instead of mine._

I sing to the girl while she dies in my arms, then let her float out in the water until the hovercraft picks her up.

A short while later, Johanna, Wiress, and Beetee join us and now we've got an alliance of six instead of three, upping our odds.

Wiress figures out that the arena is designed like a clock, in that each hour wedge has something different. One wedge has the poison gas, one the monkeys, etc.

More cannons fire, and there are more close calls for each of us.

Before I know it, we're walking up a steep hill, trying to reach a tree that gets struck by lightning every hour. Beetee has created a plan to electrocute the career tributes, using an electrical wire and that tree.

Katniss and Johanna are assigned to take the wire and run it around some trees and bushes, taking it down to the beach and dropping it in the water.

Finnick and I stay here with Beetee.

Everything goes smoothly until the wire snaps back, frayed. Someone cut it.

Instinctively, I go looking for Katniss and Johanna. But I don't find them. I make my way back up the hill, and then see Katniss at the top, kneeling over a body.

She has her bow in her hand, and she steadies the arrow.

_She looks at me while she fires her bow, though she doesn't fire at me. She fires at the force field. The impact of it hits me, and the last thing I remember before my spinal cord hit's a tree and snaps, is her blowing a kiss to me, like she did it on purpose. To kill me. Again. _

I jolt up in my chair, hyperventilating. I can't catch my breath. Snow and Mr. Yves are looking at me with anxious eyes. "She…" I try to say, while trying to catch my breath, "She tried to kill me."

Snow looks pleased. Asshole.

He nods. "Several times."

"I remember now."

"Now you know why she is dangerous."

"I guess."

"We designed her to seduce and then kill you."

I don't completely understand the "seduce" part, but that's not the question on my mind at the moment. "Kill me? Why?"

"So that we could kill her without the country rebelling."

"_But, you did kill her."_

"Yes, but the country didn't know that. See, after I shot her, I knew the country would be pissed as then I found out she was the face of an uprising. So then we created the mutt. Her assignment was, like I said, to seduce and kill you. They'd be upset with her for it, and they'd either kill her, or at least not care if we did."

"You're evil."

I said it, I don't care. He'll torture me, but I don't care. I'm too heartbroken.

My life is hell.

_I watched Katniss die and couldn't save her. _

_The mutt of her tried to kill me several times._

_Snow did it all with the intent for her to kill me._

"Maybe." He says. "Take him to door 4."

The guard takes off my restraints, but I'm unwilling to walk. He is strong though, and he throws my body over his shoulder like I weigh nothing, making his way to door number 4.

Once inside, I stand in a small room identical to the one I was in behind door 12. Except, there's no chair and coals in this room. In this room, there's a large silver box in the corner, and a small, round pool of water, about five feet deep.

Snow comes inside and instructs the guard to leave, leaving only Snow and I inside this room.

"Remove your clothing," He tells me.

Well, what choice do I have? I take each piece off until I'm naked. Then I remember Enobaria coming back to the cell naked, wet, and shivering. And I can't help but think that will be me soon.

Snow tells me to get into the water.

This isn't so bad. I can't swim, but I don't need to, my mouth and nose are above the water still, and I'm on my feet so I can breathe. The water isn't cold at all. It actually feels good, because the cool water soothes my coal burns.

But I speak too soon.

Snow opens up the silver box and takes a shovel that I didn't see before from the other side of the room.

Inside the silver box, are large cubes of steaming dry ice.

Shit.

The only thing worse than a fire burn, is a dry ice burn. Dry ice is more painful, and it eats your skin. It gives you frostbite almost instantaneously, and then if you so much as touch or move the skin too quickly, it will come right off.

Snow takes the shovel and tosses the dry ice at me. I move, and it falls beneath the water. If it doesn't touch me, I won't burn. I'll get hypothermia once it chills the water, but I won't burn. He tosses three more large blocks of it in, and now there is just a small area left on the bottom of this small pool that I am standing in, clear of dry ice.

There are no more blocks. I'm safe.

Nope, spoke too soon again.

Snow stands there watching me get colder and colder. First, I get chills. I hug myself with my arms, desperately trying to warm up. I blow hot air into my hands and rub them together, and try to generate enough friction to warm them up but it never lasts long.

Then, my teeth begin to chatter and my lower body goes numb from the extreme cold.

Eventually, my upper body goes numb and it gets tougher to breathe because I'm so cold.

It's painful, but it's a constant kind of pain, and it's not quite as bad as the coals yesterday, so I stand here. I don't know what he wants. I don't know what information he wants. I'd better get used to standing here in the cold water though, because I don't have any information.

There's no clock on the wall. I feel like hours go by, but I'm in so much pain that it might just be minutes. All I know is that my skin has turned blue all over, in some places, purple. I must look dead by now. Mr. Yves joins us in the room after awhile, and he's got a green syringe with him. What are they going to do to me in here?

Snow presses a button, and I feel myself sink. The floor is getting lower. I'm sinking. I can't swim. Snow speaks up.

"The floor will lower two feet, making your head underwater. You have three options. One, you can let yourself drown. Two, you can stand on the dry ice. It will keep your head above water, but will freeze off the skin on the bottom of your feet. Or three, you can admit that the Capitol knows what's best for you."

Do I want to freeze the bottom of my feet off, and cause myself more pain? Do I want to let myself drown? Or do I want to say something I don't mean?

Well, it may be the cowardly move, and I'm sure when I'm back in my cell, I'll hate myself for it, but I don't hesitate when I say, "The Capitol knows what is best for me." And simultaneously, Mr. Yves injects the needle into my skin, sealing my statement so that I will believe it.

My mind should be racing the way it has been lately, what with all the pain and confusion and torture. But as I lie here on my cot in my cell, my mind is blank. I find myself bored, actually.

I decide to count the bars on my cell. Then I count the amount of small lacerations I have on my body from the dry ice shards that floated up in the water and cut me. Then, I sing. Nothing in particular, I don't even know what words are coming out of my mouth, I just sing.

Am I going crazy?

It certainly would explain the indifference to all the shit happening to us.

"Shutup, Peeta."

I forgot Enobaria and Johanna were in the next cell.

"Why?" I ask. Because really, why? So they can sleep? Ha, it doesn't matter. We'll all be dead soon anyway, or at least crazy. What do we even need sleep for? To lie in a chair and let Snow fuck with our minds all day long? Do we need sleep to stand in the same position for hours on end while Snow hurts us? Gives us hypothermia? Burns us? Beats us?

I don't get an answer, instead, I hear choking. I snap my head around and see Enobaria, hanging by her neck.


	10. The Break

**A/N: In case you haven't caught it yet, I always start Peeta's hallucinations with what actually did happen. The point where the memory starts being altered, I no longer have him state that it's become "shiny". Now, Capitol Peeta takes over. So when the memory goes from real to fake, the font goes from normal to italics.**

**In the book, it's mentioned several times that Peeta thinks more happened with Katniss on the train than actually did. This is the hallucination he will see in this chapter. I won't be going to much into detail with it, but obviously, suggestive themes apply here. **

My mind finally snaps out of the craziness and registers what my eyes see. Enobaria took her blanket off her cot and tied one end to a bar on the top of her cell. She tied the other end of the blanket around her neck and jumped off of her cot.

She's trying to kill herself. "Stop!"

I feel myself coming back. I haven't felt like myself in weeks, not since I've been here. But I feel the Peeta that's been pushed way deep inside of this new, fucked up version of myself rising to the surface.

"Stop it!" I say, running towards her cell. But I know there isn't anything I can do. I grab the bars splitting her cell with mine and grab on, watching her choke to death.

It doesn't work, though.

I start to say, "Enobaria! This isn't the answer!" But I stop myself halfway when the blanket comes untied from the bar at the top and she falls to the ground, alive and breathing.

She rips the blanket off her neck in frustration. Once she's caught her breath, she goes on a rampage. First, she screams, loud as I've heard her scream so far. Then she proceeds to kick and punch every inanimate object in the cell. When she runs out of things, she yanks Johanna's blanket out from underneath her, tossing her onto the floor. Johanna stands up and punches Enobaria in the face.

Enobaria grabs Johanna's hair and throws her down. "Get the fuck off of me!" Johanna screams at her.

Enobaria doesn't listen. She bites Johanna's cheek until blood oozes steadily from her teeth marks. Johanna bends in a way to get Enobaria in front of her, and once she is, Johanna yanks her hair back, and this pulls Enobaria towards her. Johanna rams her head into Enobaria's, and then Enobaria hit's the ground, out cold.

Johanna straightens up her hair. "Crazy bitch," she says, sitting down next to where I am. I sit down to, until we're side by side, separated only by bars.

"She tried to kill herself." I Say.

"I know."

"You weren't sleeping?"

"No. I watched her."

This makes me angry.

"Relax Peeta. It's not like it worked anyway."

"Still," I start to say, but then Enobaria sits up. This time she must have only been hard enough to knock out for a few moments.

Johanna prepares to fight her again, and I prepare to look away, knowing I can't do anything about it, but Enobaria sits on the other side of the cell.

Johanna and I watch Enobaria, and she watches us. Finally, Johanna says, "Do you need some attention or something?"

Enobaria scowls, and I say, "Johanna, have some sympathy. She just tried to kill herself."

Johanna laughs. "Bullshit."

Enobaria scowls again. "What did you say?" She says angrily at Johanna.

"You weren't trying to kill yourself. You knew that wouldn't work."

Enobaria looks surprised and Johanna elaborates. "If you really wanted to kill yourself, you'd have succeeded."

"Yeah, how do you figure?" Enobaria asks.

"I've devised not one, but four different ways to kill myself in this cell should I have to. I'm sure you and Peeta have fantasized about your death as much as I have and I'm sure you've come up with better ideas than _that. _If not, you're just stupid. You're either attention hungry, or you're stupid."

"Fuck you!" She says, getting up again, and the two of them lunge at each other, before the door opens and the guard throws Enobaria by the hair into the cell on the other side of me. The one with the dried blood. The one that used to belong to Darius and Lavinia.

"Since you two can't be in a cell without trying to kill each other, we'll separate you."

It must still be early morning, because none of us have been taken yet. Snow and Mr. Yves must still be sleeping. I remember my mother and Jacob now. I wonder how they're doing. Why haven't they come down to see me? Snow probably won't allow it.

It's quiet for awhile, and I look over at Enobaria's cell. She's sleeping.

"Johanna?""What?"

"What did you mean, you fantasize about death?"

"You mean you haven't?" She asks me. I shake my head.

"Figures," She says, rolling her eyes. Then she says, "I don't know. Just, compared to all this crap going on, I'd much rather be dead. Think about it, the end of all the torture and pain? The end of this cold, damp cell that smells of death? I'd see my family again."

"You've thought of ways to do it? You know? Kill yourself?"

"Yes."

I want to ask what they are. I never used to think I was the type of person to kill myself. But, it may come down to that. Snow is an evil person, but he isn't stupid. He'll torture us but he won't let us die. That'd be too easy. If I'm to die, I'll have to do it.

I don't get the chance to ask her though, because she's being taken away by a guard now. Onto a torture room.

I can't stop my mind from wandering to Katniss. Is she okay?

_Why do you even care? Katniss is dead. The mutt tried to kill you. What does the mutt's fate matter to you? I tell myself. _

It just, does.

_That's why you're here. You know that? If you weren't stupid enough to trust her in the first place, you'd be in district 13 with everyone else. _

No! She had no idea there was a plan to break out of the arena.

_Then why did she aim directly for an exact spot on the arena? How did she know exactly when and where and how to shoot it? And why did she leave you behind?_

She didn't!

_Yes, she did. She doesn't care about you. She's probably not even capable of feeling anything at all. She's not human. She's a mutt. _

Enobaria stirs and I snap out of it.

I give the crazy thing another thought.

I don't know how much time went by, but I just argued with myself in my head for quite awhile. I must be at least partially crazy. Normal people don't have fights with themselves in their heads.

I chuck rocks at the other side of my cell for an absurdly long time. I don't know how I don't get bored with it, I guess I'm just thankful for the peace. But I know that I won't have that for long when Johanna comes back into the cell.

Now, she's got huge cuts all over her body, including one across her eye. I don't have time to ask what happened, though.

I'm headed for B-1.

I'm sitting in the chair. "Venom or questions?" I ask Snow.

Mr. Yves hooks me up to the lie detector.

"Your name is Peeta Mellark."

"Yes."

"You're from District 12."

"Yes."

"You're in love with Katniss Everdeen."

"No."

The girl I loved is dead. The other one tried to kill me. Even if she didn't, she's not human.

"You trust Katniss Everdeen."

"No."

"The Capitol knows whats best for you."

No.

"_Yes."_

What? Where did that come from?

_The Capitol knows what is best for me._

There I go again, arguing with myself.

"Katniss Everdeen and her army killed your family."

District 13 killed my family.

"No."

"The current Katniss Everdeen is a mutt."

"Yes."

"The mutt was designed to seduce and then kill you."

"No."

"Elaborate on that."

"She tried to kill me. Nothing else happened."

"She didn't try to seduce you?"

"No."

Here comes the green liquid:

I'm in Snow's study, still slightly beaten up from the last Games.

"If you want to keep the remaining citizens of your district safe, you'll cooperate with us," he tells me.

"Remaining?"

"Oh yes, District 13 only took a few citizens of District 12 before blowing it to bits. Frankly, I'm quite upset about it. Where are we supposed to get our coal from now?"

"You're lying!"

Snow paces slowly to the left side of his desk and slides open the first drawer. He walks over to me and squats in front of me so that he meets me at eye level. He shows me pictures of 12, pictures of my town, my home, the Victor's Village, the Hob, even the woods-all completely obliterated. Behind a wall of smoke and flame.

"My…my family." I say.

"Is gone. This is why I was so determined on you both stopping these uprisings."

He has the nerve to put a hand on my shoulder.

"I'm sorry it turned out this way, but really, you have no one to blame but yourself. And mostly, Katniss. Or what we made her into."

_Then, Snow walks over and flicks on the television, sliding in a small, rectangular, flat disc. I've got a video, to prove it._

_In the tape, Katniss stands on a hill in the meadow, overlooking District 12 down below. She stands in front of a wall of smoke and flame. _

"_Behind me lies what's left of District 12. We blew it to bits. Join us, the rebels. Join the war effort unless you want to see your district turned to nothing but ashes as well."_

_There are rebel cheers behind her._

_Snow flicks off the tape._

"_She killed your family, Peeta."_

"_No.." I don't want to believe it._

"_She killed your family, Peeta," He repeats. _

"_District 13 bombed 12, under her direct orders."_

_My head falls into my hands and I bury my face, unable to stop the river of tears forming in my eyes._

I wake up. I don't know what they told me. I don't know which memories they went in and altered. All I know is that I'm shaking and I can't stop sobbing to catch my breath. But I'm not done. Mr. Yves puts another needle into my arm, starting another round:

I'm on the train with Haymitch, Effie, Katniss, and the stylists on our Victory Tour after the first Hunger Games. I haven't been sleeping very well, and so I've been joining Haymitch for a nightcap before going to sleep. Being slightly tipsy lets me sleep easier.

Katniss is having trouble sleeping too. Even Cinna couldn't work his magic and hide the bags under her eyes. He took in all of her clothing because she wasn't eating well either.

Effie ordered her an expensive sleeping prescription from the Capitol, but she hates taking them.

We both suffered from bad nightmares.

One night, around midnight, I get up and pace the halls, hoping for sleep to come to me. Hoping it would relax me and let me get to sleep easier.

I finally give up walk back to my room, but a blood curdling scream stops me just short of my room. I shouldn't, but I open Katniss' door and walk in. I walk closer to her, slowly, trying not to wake her. It's so rare that she sleeps at all on a night that she refuses the pills. But the screams don't stop. Finally, I can't take it anymore and I shake her awake. "Hey, Katniss, Hey, it's okay." She keeps screaming, and she's trying to throw my hands off of her shoulders by jerking in her sleep.

It takes me about five minutes, but she finally opens her eyes and registers reality. "What are you doing?" She asks me accusingly.

"I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't be in here. But I've been roaming the halls and I heard your screams. I couldn't just ignore it."

"Thank you," she tells me.

I don't know why I do it, but I tuck a strand of hair behind her ear while she looks up at me. "Try to sleep."

She turns her head, but I keep stroking her hair. "I can't Peeta." She says, trying to hold back tears. "The nightmares. I'm actually afraid to sleep. The pills knock me out, but they make the nightmares worse and come more often. Then my body hurts in the morning, from all the tossing and turning."

I know she's half-asleep, but it's weird for her to be this honest with me. I kiss her forehead. "I know. Me too."

She looks into my eyes, the way she did in the cave, and it's hard to look away, but she does first. "There's no cameras, Peeta." She says, and I take it as a request to leave her be now.

"No, there's not," I say, walking away. I open the door, and just as I'm about to shut it behind me, she says, "Wait."

I turn. "Hm?"

"Nevermind."

I shut the door behind me and go back to my room, praying for sleep to come.

I am dozing off when I hear a small, soft rapping at my door. It's not Haymitch, and it's not Effie. I doubt it's Portia. There's no way in hell it's Katniss. Out of curiosity, I get up to go and open the door.

Before me, she stands there. "Katniss?" I say, rubbing my eyes.

She turns to leave, but I grab her arm. "No, stay." I say, and I pull her close to me.

This is the first time that we hug each other that isn't in front of cameras. And I tell myself it doesn't mean anything. There isn't anything romantic about the hug, it's just a way to keep from screaming.

I expected us just to talk, but she walks over to my bed, and gets under the covers, shutting off the light. I take one of the extra blankets that were provided to me and lay it on the floor by the bed. "No," she says. "Sleep with me." I say nothing, I just fold up the blanket and put it back, and slide under the covers.

_We lie on our sides, facing each other. I know if I touch her, she'll mumble something about how there aren't any cameras, but I run my hand down her arm anyway until our hands meet and we entwine our fingers._

_Surprisingly, she says nothing. She looks down at our hands, then back up at me, meeting my gaze. Our eye contact lingers awhile until she moves closer and kisses me. _

_I don't want to stop the kiss but I'm confused. For just a second, I pull away and say, "There's no cameras, Katniss."_

_She smiles at me again, and while leaning in to continue kissing me, she says, "Good."_

_I don't remember the act itself. I only remember us lying together afterwards. And then we sleep, and there are no nightmares._


	11. The Crazy

I wake up happy, which is a first with the memory hijacking Snow is doing to me.

I don't know what memory he implanted or changed, or erased, just like I never do. But today I don't care as much. He's still stealing who I am by doing something to my mind, but at least this time it's not painful.

He repeats a few of the questions from earlier.

"Katniss Everdeen and her army killed your family."

"_Yes."_

"Katniss Everdeen seduced you."

"_Yes."_

"Katniss Everdeen tried to kill you."

"_Yes."_

"Good, Peeta," Snow says, generally pleased.

That's not good. Snow being pleased means I'm doing something right. I don't want to be doing something right. Not for the Capitol. Not for Snow.

I'm let out of my restraints.

"No door today, Peeta. You've got an interview tonight."

"Do I? For what?"

"The mutt has been taping more propaganda for the rebels. We need you to counter it."

"Why should I even care anymore?"

Snow smiles and puts a hand on my shoulder. I'm getting a little tired of him doing that.

"Don't worry Peeta. This will be the last one."

"What do you mean?"

He looks at Mr. Yves.

"I'm sure it's safe to tell him now, sir."

"We're going to set a bomb off in 13."

"What? You can't do that! What about those innocent people!"

"Innocent people? No, Peeta. The bomb will go off in the army base they have. The only ones in danger are the rebel army, their leaders, and the mutt."

They're going to kill Katniss?

_No, they're going to kill the muttation of Katniss. Not the real one. _

I remember kissing her on the beach.

_You also remember her trying to kill you several times. Then she killed your family, and all those innocent people in District 12. Why shouldn't she suffer the same fate? She took so many lives, why shouldn't she die? She's not even human!_

I argue with myself all the way up to Snow's study. A stylist greets me, not Portia, the one from last time.

I get a glimpse of myself in the mirror for the first time in awhile.

My face is pale and my hair is dull. I've lost color in my hair so much that it almost looks gray. My face even almost looks gray. I look sickly, I've lost weight. I've got bloodied cuts up and down my body. Half of them are inflamed with infection. One of the toes on the foot that wasn't amputated is black from the cold water the other day, and should be removed, but no one will see that so I'm sure Snow won't fix it.

Where my coal burns have healed, there are scabs and scars for the lesser of the burns. The lacerations from the dry ice shards are still there.

I have blue and purple bruises all over my body and my lips aren't pink like they should be. They are more of a pale peach color, if that.

Within the next few hours, I'm transformed.

My scars and scabs are visible, but only up close. The bruises too. The camera won't see them. The only thing visible to the camera will be the color of my hair, and my weight. Possibly my dead-looking skin. Not much else. Which is good, because when Katniss sees me, she won't have to worry.

_Katniss is dead. And what do you care what the mutt thinks? It's her fault anyway. You should make an effort to look worse. Not that she'd care._

Whatever happiness I was feeling at my transformation is gone now. It really doesn't matter how I look.

On the way to the conference room in Snow's mansion, Snow preps me. "Now, the rebels have got an expert on technology from district 3 working with the mutt on the propaganda films. They've broken into the Capitol's feed a few times already. We don't anticipate that to happen tonight, but if it does, pretend you didn't see anything and keep going by your script. It will be on the teleprompter in front of you, but behind the camera.

I'm expecting to see Caesar, but I don't. I'm guessing this is going to be done solo.

Snow sits in his chair behind a podium. I sit to his left side, in front of a huge map of Panem projected on the wall.

Once I sit down, I start nervously tapping my foot. It's beginning again, the arguing with myself.

Why now? Why does the craziness have to make an appearance now?

_Focus you idiot! This is important! She tried to kill you! She stomped on your heart! This is for your family she killed! This interview is for all those innocent people!_

The anthem of Panem must have played, because my teleprompter is up and the operator is urging me to start speaking. I've been so unfocused, trying to stop the arguing in my head. It's like I'm two people. I shake my head, I have to start now. I have to do this. I have to discredit the rebels.

"Panem, I stand in front of a projected image of our country." I stand up, and grab a stick Snow hands to me. "This is why a cease-fire is so important. Just take a moment to look at all the damage."

"The dam in the center of District 7 has been completely destroyed by rebel forces." The map lights up in the area I'm talking about, and I point to it with the stick.

"The flood from the broken down not only killed several District 7 families, but it created a massive dent in the production of District 7's trade, Lumber. It also caused an environmental problem, drowning plants and animals for miles, cutting food supply."

District 6 lights up. "A train carrying toxic waste derailed in district 6, also hurting the ecosystem and food production. In 11," I say, while moving my stick over to 11 on the map, "a granary collapsed and pancaked to the ground after a fire started by stray cannon fire by rebel forces."

I'm about to talk about burning farms in District 10, when all of a sudden, the teleprompter freezes and shakes like it's trying to process too much information. The tv screens all around the room are doing the same thing, and then I see Katniss' face on television.

It's the first time I've seen her face _since she blew me that kiss in the arena, after trying to kill me by shooting an arrow at the explosive arena dome._

A flood of emotions course through me, among them, among the two different sides of me, are:

Relief.

_Anger._

Happiness

_Frustration_

Pride

_Hatred_

Katniss stands in front of District 12's remains.

"Peeta,"

She speaks to me.

"This is your home, none of your family has been heard from since the bombing."

_The bombing YOU called for!_

"Twelve is gone."

_Because of you!_

"And you're calling for a cease-fire? There's no one left to hear you!"

And like that, my teleprompter and the tv's steady, and I'm back on the air. I'm forced to pretend like nothing happened.

"In District 4, the bombing of a water purification plant has placed a heavy dent on safe and clean drinking water for innocent district and Capitol citizens alike…" and I'm prepared to say more but now, Finnick is on the television.

_Finnick speaks of Rue, but I tune him out. He's almost as bad as the mutt is. I couldn't trust him either and I was stupid to ever think I could. I trust no one. I can't even trust myself. _

_I don't know who I am anymore, but Peeta is gone._

The rest of the interview takes forever because we keep getting cut off by enemy propaganda.

I get bored towards the end of the constant battle between the Capitol and the rebels for control of the television. Snow drones on about how the rebels are the cause of all the nations problems, blah blah blah.

I'm not paying attention until Snow mentions her name. "Peeta! Any parting thoughts for Katniss?"

Yeah, I'm glad you're safe. I miss you.

_Yeah, you murderer! You tried to kill me! You tried to kill my family! I can't believe I ever trusted you! You're not even human! You mutt!_

Oh no, not the arguing. I can't think with the arguing in my head. What do I say?

_Tell the nation that no one is safe. Not Capitol citizens, not rebels._

"Katniss..how do you think this will end? What will be left? No one is safe. Not in the Capitol. Not in the districts."

WARN HER!

_NO! SHE'S A MUTT! IT DOESN'T MATTER!_

YOU LOVE THIS GIRL, YOU KNOW THAT YOU DO, WARN HER! DON'T YOU DARE LET HER DIE!

_NO! DON'T BE A FOOL! SHE ALREADY MADE YOU AN IDIOT!_

"And you, in thirteen…" I begin to say, but I don't know what's going to come out my mouth next because the two different sides of myself want two different things.

Without thinking, I say, "Dead by morning!"

And there it is, I said it.

I am convinced I did the right thing.

_You did a stupid thing._

I couldn't let her die. I couldn't ever let her die at my hand.

_She died already! The girl in 13 is. Not. Real. What do you not understand about that!_

As soon as I'm off the air I scream from all the madness. My head throbs and is pounding and my heart is racing. But this is not the worst of it.

Snow very calmly asks everybody to leave the room.

When they are gone, he comes up to me and backhands me so hard I go flying a few feet before hitting the ground. I'm now looking up at him, lying on the ground, on my back.

"What was that?"

"I don't know!"

He kicks me in the side until I start gasping for air. "Stop!"

"You stupid boy! You warned them on national television!"

"You can still bomb it, you don't"

"A waste of Capitol supplies! I still have to bomb them or they won't take me seriously! But they'll all get to safety by the time my bombers get there!" He grunts and kicks me in the side a few more times, then he kicks me in the face, and then in the groin.

I lie on the floor bleeding, in agonizing pain while Snow is on the phone trying to arrange an early flight to 13 for the bombing.

He's slightly less angry when he's off the phone, leading me to make the assumption that the bombing will go a little earlier than previously planned, meaning that the people in 13 might not be safe and I may have risked my life to warn them for nothing.

But what is my life worth anyway? Nothing. That's been made very clear to me.

Snow kicks me a few more times while I'm down, and then orders me up off the floor. I'm dizzy and my eyes are swollen and hurting, so I fall back down again.

Two guards come in and next thing I know, I'm outside the room where my family is staying. Snow isn't here. The guards let me go.

What is this?

After what I did, how is it that I'm allowed to stay in this nice room and see my family?

But when I open the door, I piece together that puzzle quickly, and realize that this is just part of the game.


	12. The Rescue

My mother always had a certain way about her. She couldn't ever leave a dish in the sink, she could never leave a room in the house with a bed unmade. She couldn't ever leave a shelf undusted.

As I stand here in the doorway of the room my family was staying in, I see an unmade bed. I see clutter, and dust. My mother wouldn't be able to stay in a place that is such a mess. My mother didn't stay here. My family was never here.

I run down the hall. I don't know where I'm running, but I'll lose whatever is left of my mind if I stay in one spot. I've got to give my mind something to do.

My family was never even here! It must have been one of the memories Snow altered. He made me hallucinate. No, it's worse than that.

My mother gave me a reason for never being there for me or my brothers. She gave a reason, and then she hugged me, and told me she loved me.

One of the only things I've ever wanted was for her to tell me that. And she did, and then I realized that none of it was real.

I always knew Snow was evil, but this…to give someone something they've wanted so badly, for so long, and then just rip it away? That's worse than never having it at all.

Snow did this to break me, and it worked. It really did.

As I approach room B-1, a guard stops me from going in, but I'm on a mission. I push him to the side, still running, and slam open that door, running through.

Johanna is in the chair, Mr. Yves reading something from a script, probably doing something to her memory as well.

I go straight for Snow's throat, and I get it.

I may be weak, but in my anger and hatred I've somehow gotten close enough to Snow to close my fingers around his neck.

He struggles to breathe while I lift him up with one hand, gritting my teeth.

"You monster!" I scream at him. Then he looks to the side, and I follow his gaze. He sees a mirror, and the reflection in the mirror haunts me.

I see an evil looking face, I see a monster in the mirror. But the face belongs to me. I'm the monster choking a man to death, and enjoying it.

I remember shortly before the first Games, telling Katniss how much I didn't want them to change me. To turn me into some type of monster, yet here I am.

I force myself to drop Snow, and the timing couldn't be more precise, because now the guards have begun pouring into the room. Had I still had Snow's death in my hands, they'd have killed me instantly.

Now, they just take each of my arms and await Snow's orders.

"Take the brat to 5." He says, holding onto his neck.

I sit in a dark room, in a single chair. There is a spotlight on the door in front of me, other than that, darkness. My hands are cuffed behind the back of the chair I sit in, and my feet are restrained with cuffs to the legs of the chair.

District 5: Electricity.

It isn't hard to guess what will happen to me in this chair.

Snow comes in.

"Well, you've gotten brave, haven't you?"

I spit in his direction, but it doesn't go very far.

"You know, we made you into this. You belong to us. To me."

It sure seems that way.

"You made me think my family was alive! You made me think my mother and brother were here, safe and warm!"

"Well, I had to make you think you could trust us. We had to take the hijacking slow with you. Your brain was too fragile."

"But Johanna's and Enobaria's weren't?"

"That girl makes your brain fragile. She sparks a fight in you. At least, she did when you thought she was real."

"How dare you do this? Give me something I've desperately craved my whole life and then take it away? What purpose does it serve you?"

Snow hit's a button on the side of the wall, and I feel electricity circulating through my body. Not the good kind either.

My hair is standing straight up, and my skin itches all over, like I'm severely dehydrated. The electric shock probably zapped my skin of moisture. My heart is racing from the volts shot into it, and I can't think or see straight.

After about five minutes or so, it straightens itself out.

The pain actually isn't bad when I'm being shocked. The pain comes after it's over. And with each passing minute, the pain becomes more excruciating.

I grit my teeth. "Why not just kill me? I'm obviously a liability to you! What good am I to keep around?"

"You're still useful. Believe me. You're more useful every day that goes by."

"That doesn't even make any sense!"

And I'm shocked again.

"Don't worry, Peeta. I won't kill you."

Three days go by, and it's the longest three days of my life. I haven't had any memories taken, I don't think, because I haven't had a dose of venom. But I get to take a trip to the District 10 room, which was actually much bigger than the other rooms I've been in.

It was at least five times the size of the others, and the floor was made of dirt. I heard rustling behind some movable walls, and then when Snow shut the door, after reminding me that he wouldn't kill me, I remembered District 10's trade: Livestock.

I was trampled by angry bulls for hours. It doesn't sound as bad as the rest of the rooms, but it was equally painful.

In District 2's room, I was tied to a pole while Snow and some guards launched bricks at me, cutting and bruising me even more.

But the worst torture, was District 8. Technically, district 8 is textiles, but I guess you could consider a straightjacket a textile. For two whole days, forty-eight hours, I was in a small, padded room in a straightjacket. A room that would hold my body length vertically and horizontally, and that's it.

I was left there, all alone, in that room for forty eight long hours.

It wasn't painful, but it was way worse.

I went crazy. I couldn't do anything at all. All I had to do was think about the memories. My family dying. Snow ripping away my family he showed me in a hallucination, Katniss' death, the muttation of her trying over and over again to kill me, and the two sides of myself fought constantly.

I sat in a padded room and argued with myself for two days.

Finally, it was over.

"Just kill me," I tell Snow, fearing the next room.

"No doors today. We have one more session to complete your hijacking."

Well, at least he's being honest about what he's doing to me now.

"And I don't suppose you'll tell me which memory will be taken from me until the day I die?

"No, wouldn't count on it."

I'm strapped in to the chair in B-1. I watch Mr. Yves put the venom into my arm one last time. I can't help but wonder what will happen to me when this is over.

Will I even be Peeta anymore, at all? Or will the Capitol created monster take over completely? The one I saw that day in the mirror?

Will they kill me? I doubt it.

I feel foggy and my eyes shut, and I grip the arms of the chair I'm restrained to and prepare for the venom to take my mind:

_There are many more nights like the last one, on the train with Katniss. I don't remember any of them, I just know that they happened. After the Quarter Quell was announced, on the train heading to the second Games we'd participate in, everything became slightly more complicated. _

"_You feeling alright?" Haymitch asks Katniss. "You haven't been eating much lately."_

_She nods, but doesn't look up. _

"_We're having lamb stew, it's your favorite, remember?" Effie tells her. _

_I notice that when Effie says the phrase "Lamb stew" Katniss winces._

"_What's wrong?" I ask her. She shakes her head and takes a bite, but she seems to chew it longer than necessary, reluctant to swallow it._

_Sure enough, once half her plate is gone, she throws it right back up._

"_Whoa! What was that?" Haymitch asks her._

"_I don't know, suddenly, it's just nauseating to me."_

_Cinna and Portia look at each other._

"_I've had to let out her dresses." Cinna tells Haymitch._

_I'm glad Haymitch has no idea why they're telling us this, because I'm lost too._

"_But," Haymitch begins, "She looks thinner."_

_Katniss seems to know what Cinna is getting at, because she gets up and leaves without excusing herself._

_Then, instead of muttering something about "manners," Effie mutters something about "hormones."_

_I can see by the look in Haymitch's eyes and the way he drops his fork that he gets it. I still don't._

"_What's going on?"_

_My heart sinks when they tell me. _

_I burst open the door to her room. "You're pregnant?"_

_Her silence confirms it. _

_I guess I knew it was possible, but after all we'd been through, it just never crossed my mind that we'd have another stroke of unbelievably bad luck. _

_The thing is, it would be good news, if we weren't on our way to the arena, for the second time. _

_Isn't this illegal? Can they send a pregnant girl into the arena?_

_I've got to say something. I resolve to tell everyone in my interview with Caesar about the baby, and maybe we'll get help._

My head spins but I can't open my eyes because I'm still under the venom. I feel scared from the last memory, whatever it was. But I feel another one coming to the surface:

_Day one of training in the training center before the Games has come to a stop._

_The other tributes and I resolve to push tables together as a way of showing the Capitol that we can't be put against each other._

_Only one face is missing, Katniss. I get up and go looking for her, and I find her when I hear her throwing up inside the bathroom on floor twelve, where we stay._

_I knock first, but then go in._

"_Go away. I don't want to see you."_

"_Come on, I know this sucks, but are you okay? Can I get you anything?"_

"_Yeah, actually, you can get the hell out of here and let me end this."_

"_What?" _

_I take a step forward and see a bottle on the floor. _

"_Are you drinking alcohol? You can't do that!"_

"_I Can do anything I please, but no, that's not alcohol. Alchohol wouldn't work."_

"_What are you talking abo-" _

_I see what the bottle says now._

_MERCURY_

_Mercury won't kill her, it will only make her very sick. However, mercury will force a miscarraige._

"_What the hell are you doing?"_

"_This is your fault anyway! I'm taking care of it!"_

"_You can't kill our child! Are you crazy?"_

"_Yes!"_

_Then her eyes roll back and she collapses on the floor, convulsing._

"_NO!" I pick her up, and throw her over my shoulder and try to get downstairs._

_By the time we reach the infirmary in the training center, she's fine and will live, but she killed the baby. Our baby. My baby. _

_She killed it on purpose._

_She shouldn't be lying there in that hospital bed. She should be dead. She doesn't deserve life._

_She is evil. She is a monster. She is a muttation._

I wake up from the hallucination screaming at the top of my lungs. I run out of breathe but it doesn't stop me. I keep screaming. I'm so angry, and the adrenaline running through me is so strong, that I am finally able to rip the restraints keeping me in the chair to shreds.

I don't go for Snow's neck this time. I pick up anything I can throw and toss it around the room, breaking anything I can.

Snow is whisked away by guards. Mr. Yves isn't so lucky.

"What the hell did you do to me? Huh? What did you say?"

He tries to calm me down. "Peeta, slow down and listen very carefully."

I don't put him down, I've still got him in the air by the collar of his shirt.

"My name isn't really Mr. Yves, it's doctor Aurelius."

"I don't care! What the hell is wrong with me!"

"Peeta, let me explain!"

"NO!"I throw him across the room and then hit the door so hard it nearly comes off it's hinges. I'm running back to my cell now.

When I get there, the guard waits for me.

His gun drawn, he pulls a trigger, and I watch the bullet fly at me, knowing there's no way I'll be able to move my heart out of the way of it's trajectory.

Death is peaceful. It's sweet, it's calm, it's inviting.

I lay in the meadow in District 12. Katniss sits next to me in her blue dress, the one she wore at the reaping for the first games. This is the real Katniss. This is the one I love.

She smiles at me and picks a dandelion up, then blows off the top of the flower. She does it again and then hands me one and I partake in this innocent, yet peaceful activity.

She sings to me, the lullaby so popular in our District. I close my eyes and the world spins.

Then my father stands at the end of a long tunnel, in a bright white light. The tunnel I pass through, has animated pictures of my life. I look to my right and see my four year old self being rocked to sleep by my grandmother I loved so much.

I look to my left, and my five year old self sees Katniss at school for the first time.

As I go through the tunnel, I literally watch my life go by, and with each scene, I get to feel what I felt when it was reality. I feel sleepy and safe when my grandmother rocks me, I feel hopeful when I see Katniss for the first time. Then I experience everything I did in life, in great detail. Every negative memory, though, has been taken out of the tunnel.

When I get to the end, I embrace my father.

"Hello, son." He tells me, hugging me.

"Dad," I say, holding tighter, afraid that if I let go, he'll be gone.

"It's over Peeta," he says, "Shh,".

After a minute of hugging my father, he pulls back. "Are you ready to go now, son?"

I nod my head and follow him into the light, and it gets brighter with every step I take.

I faintly hear mumbling in the other direction, but I don't acknowledge it. The mumbling gets louder and louder, though, and eventually, I hear frantic panicking, and urgency.

My dad seems to catch it too. "Don't look back, Peeta. If you look back, you'll have to go back."

I don't know if I look back out of curiosity, or if I look back for some other reason, but as soon as I do, my father smiles at me. "Brave decision," he says. "I'm proud of you."

Then I fly backwards at a speed I can't even process, watching my father and the light he stands in get smaller and smaller and eventually disappear.

Now the frantic, urgent atmosphere is more detailed. I hear a doctor, I think. I hear urgent movement.

When I finally flutter open my eyes, I feel the bandage over my chest, where I now remember taking a bullet. I feel the heart rate monitor on my chest, and I hear the steady, Beep….Beep…..Beep. It gets quicker every time.

I look at the screen it's attached to. I'd flatlined…died.

I'm alive now. But I don't know anything else.

Where am I?

"Boggs!" Someone calls out.

A tall, burly, bald man enters the room, a look of accomplishment across his face.

"Boggs," the voice says again, "We got him. He's back."

He registers the look on my face. "Sedate him."

"Sir?" the woman beside my bed asks.

"He looks distraught. Don't want to take any chances. Any increase in adrenaline could burn off his medication and send him back under."

She nods and prepares a syringe.

I don't trust these people, but I'm restrained, so I just give her a look of betrayal when she slides the needle into my skin.

_I wonder what kind of sick joke this is. Is this another one of Snow's hallucinations? Like my family?_

Before the sedative kicks in and knocks me out, I hear a familiar voice say, "Best not to tell Katniss about his dying."

The voice belongs to Gale.


	13. The Mission

**A/N: Considering whether I want to write another story after this one about Katniss and Peeta trying to put themselves back together after they get back to District 12. I think, if I do, I'll write from both their perspectives. The story will pick up where I leave Mockingjay off.**

Once the sedative wears off, I open my eyes and I'm in a hovercraft. It looks similar to a Capitol hovercraft, but, Gale is still here, and he wasn't in the Capitol….he was in District 13.

_District 13 has kidnapped me. "Help!" I scream out, ripping cords out of my veins and bandages off of my skin. "Someone help me!" I scream out louder, desperate. Though I don't know what good it will do. _

_The first one to rush in is a tall man, the one that the woman from earlier called "Boggs."_

_He calls for Gale, and the two of them grab my arms and sit me down. I thrash at them, but I'm still slightly weak and under from the sedative, so I get winded quickly and give up. _

_They kidnapped you, Peeta, don't listen to anything they say. They are evil._

No, I don't know about District 13 or this "Boggs" guy, but Gale, he's not evil.

_He let them do this to you Peeta! He let them kidnap you!_

But, it's Gale…

_How well do you really know him?_

I guess I don't.

But I'm sitting now, trying to catch my breath. So I guess I have to let them talk to me. _Doesn't mean I have to listen._

"Peeta," Boggs says, "I'm sure you have a lot of questions, and we are here to answer them. But," He starts to say, but Gale pipes up instead, "But why are you so distraught? Don't you know we saved you?"

I ignore them. _They didn't save me. They made things worse. I'd rather die at the hands of the Capitol than at the hands of the people harboring the mutt, the ones who killed innocent people in District ones that killed my family. _

Boggs brings over a chair and sits in front of me, at eye level. He starts with something simple, something I can answer. "How do you feel?"

"Like hell."

"Do you know who we are?"

"Yeah, you're District 13."

"Do you know why you're here?"

"You kidnapped me!" I say, and after finding renewed strength, I get up and lunge at him. Gale gets in front of me and takes a punch from me, and then returns one to me. Then a nurse runs in and puts a needle into my arm.

I'm still half out-of-it, and my eyes are shut, but I'm vaguely aware of two people in the room. A female voice that I recognize, and a male one I recognize. I recognize them to be Gale and Delly Cartwright, a girl I went to school with.

"What's wrong with him?" She says.

"I don't know."

"He looks terrible."

"He is not acting like himself."

"He hit you?"

"Yeah, I don't know if he knows who I am or not. All he said was that we kidnapped him."

"From the Capitol?"

"I was surprised to hear it too."

"So what do you want me to do?"

Then I hear the other man, Boggs, speak.

"I think maybe having someone he knows from before the war would help."

I open my eyes.

Delly comes and sits next to me, but she hesitates. I don't know why, I won't hurt Delly. I'm just a little curious as to why she's here. Did they take her too?

After she sits, she looks back at Boggs and Gale. "Don't worry, we'll be right here observing." Boggs says.

"It's okay, Delly." I say, and she gasps, then smiles. "Peeta? You know me?"

"Of course. You want to tell me what's going on?"

She looks back to Boggs, I think for confirmation. He nods.

"What would you like to know?"

God, so many questions to ask, I don't even know where to start. I don't know where it comes from, but the first thing out of my mouth is, "Am I in danger?"

She looks taken aback. "No…God no. Why would you think that? We saved you from the Capitol."

"District 13?"

She nods. I grab her hand and she gets scared. "Delly! You have to get out of here! You don't know what they're capable of!" She looks more scared and backs away. I try to get up and then she runs behind Boggs, who then stands up and prepares to restrain me should I move any more.

"Delly! You don't understand!" I try to say, but Boggs turns to her and tells her, "Thanks, but maybe that's enough for today."

"NO!" I scream as he takes her out of the room. "Don't touch her! She hasn't done anything wrong!"

Boggs keeps me back and Gale sneaks another sedative into my arm.

This time, when I wake up, I'm restrained, the way I was in the chair in B-1, back in the Capitol.

"Let me out!" I scream.

Gale comes in and sits in the chair beside my bed.

"Peeta, what did they do to you?"

"Where are you taking me?"

"To…District 13, Peeta. Where else?"

_District 13...Katniss! _

_Good. I can finally kill her so that she doesn't harm anyone else. _

"Where's Katniss?"

"Don't worry, she's safe, back in 13. She'll be happy to know you're back."

_Yeah, so she can finish the job and kill me. _

_I have to act like nothing is wrong. If I don't, I'll never get close enough to the mutt to kill it. I have to pretend I don't know their real intentions for taking me. I have to pretend I'm not in far more danger here than I was in Snow's hands. Time to play dumb._

"Gale," I say, in my most reasonable voice possible, "Can you tell me what's going on?"

He looks relieved. "Yeah, of course."

I only half-listen, but I get the gist of the ruse he's trying to play on me.

Supposedly, Katniss didn't know about the plan to break out of the arena. But most other tributes did. That's why they saved me. They had to get Katniss out alive, and I was the only one keeping her in the alliance, so they saved me too.

I remember Johanna telling me something about that.

Katniss has been taping propaganda for the rebel war effort, and she's seen my disintegration on tv, apparently Snow was using me to break her.

The rebels have people on the inside. The guard that so easily let me through that time I almost killed Snow matches one of the descriptions of the inside rebels. Then they describe to me the image of Dr. Aurelius, and it matches Mr. Yves.

I also vaguely remember Mr. Yves telling me he was really Dr. Aurelius, and to listen to him, but I didn't.

They rescued Johanna and Annie Cresta, whom I wasn't aware was even in the Capitol with us. They got Enobaria out too. I don't see them anywhere, so this is probably a lie. Just like Snow lied to me about my mother and brother.

We are in a District 13 hovercraft, on our way back to District 13.

The rebels have control of all districts except 2, and the Capitol, of course.

"Show him the latest propo," Boggs tells Gale after he's finished telling me what's going on.

"The one with Katniss?"

"Yes, maybe he'd like to see it."

"I would," I say. I want to know what kind of lies she's spreading now.

They flick on the tv and Boggs takes out a small, rectangular, flat disc, containing the video footage I'm to see.

Then my body goes into tremors. My entire body shakes, my fists clench, my teeth grind, and I have a pounding headache.

Seeing the tape reminds me of something:

_Then, Snow walks over and flicks on the television, sliding in a small, rectangular, flat disc. I've got a video, to prove it._

_In the tape, Katniss stands on a hill in the meadow, overlooking District 12 down below. She stands in front of a wall of smoke and flame._

"_Behind me lies what's left of District 12. We blew it to bits. Join us, the rebels. Join the war effort unless you want to see your district turned to nothing but ashes as well."_

_There are rebel cheers behind her._

_Snow flicks off the tape._

"_She killed your family, Peeta."_

"_No.." I don't want to believe it._

"_She killed your family, Peeta," He repeats._

"_District 13 bombed 12, under her direct orders."_

_My head falls into my hands and I bury my face, unable to stop the river of tears forming in my eyes._

The headache is now over. My body relaxes, but slowly. My fingers are a pale white from clenching my fists so hard. My teeth hurt from grinding them so hard during the headache.

"What's wrong with you?" They ask, and they look to be genuinely concerned.

_They're not._

"I…I don't know. That hasn't happened before. The tape you have triggered it. I just…I don't know why."

"You had..an episode of some sort," Gale tells me, "Is there a bad memory associated with the tape?"

I don't answer. Partly because I don't want to. Partly because I'm not sure.

"Maybe some other time, then," Boggs says.

"NO!" I say, a little too desperately. He stops and stares.

"Sorry, I just really want to see it."

He shrugs and slides it into the tv, then her image is on the screen.

I do the best I can not to let the hatred and distrust show too much, or they won't let me near her to finally get rid of the mutt. But I can't stand to look at her.

_She killed your family._

_She killed innocent people._

_She tried to kill you._

_She killed your child._

A woman is asking her how she met me. Then, she says, "When I met Peeta, I was eleven years old, and almost dead."

That's true. She was. In the rain, when I was about to give her the bread.

"It was after my father died. We were doing badly. Prim was young, only seven. My mother wasn't completely herself. It was all I could do to keep us from starving. But I was running out of options and time. Desperately, I tried to sell Prim's baby clothes that day. No one bought any."

This is news to me.

_She's lying! She's programmed to lie! She's programmed to make herself look like a Savior!_

"I found myself in the back of his family's bakery, digging through trash cans to find any kind of food to keep us alive. His mother yelled for me to leave. Then, he burnt two loaves of bread, I think on purpose, and he tossed them to me. Then he took a beating for it. That bread saved me. That bread gave me the hope and the strength I needed. Needless to say, after that, I learned to hunt. But I would have been dead if he hadn't done that. I barely even knew him. We had never even spoken. The first time I ever talked to Peeta was on the train to the Games."

_Liar! I knew it! I was prepared to throw her the bread. Then Gale came for her and my mother told me that she didn't need me. No one did. That's what happened. I didn't save her life._

But they are examining me carefully. I have to pretend like I know this is exactly what happened.

"But he was already in love with you," the interviewer asks her.

"I guess so."

"How are you doing with the separation?"

"Not well. I know at any moment Snow could kill him. Especially since he warned thirteen about the bombing," she says.

_I warned YOU! Not thirteen. And I shouldn't have even done that. You should be dead anyway. _

"It's a terrible thing to live with, but because of what they're putting him through, I don't have any reservations anymore. About doing whatever it takes to destroy the Capitol. I'm finally free."

_Not for long._

Then, she says that the Capitol is fragile because it depends on the Districts for everything. If the Districts claim their freedom, the Capitol falls. Then she looks into the camera and tells Snow that she is claiming her freedom today.

Then Finnick gets on the camera and states that after he won his Games, the Capitol, meaning Snow, had him sell his body. People can buy desirable victors for a crazy amount of money. He can do this by threatening to hurt someone you love if you don't.

I don't know whether to believe this or not. I wouldn't put it past the Capitol to do something like that.. Still…I don't know….

But this is where it gets interesting. Finnick tells the camera that he didn't need the jewels or the money his "lovers" offered him. Instead, he asked for secrets.

Secrets about the Snow? I'll bite.

Stories of blackmail, arson, murder, larceny, and seduction play on the screen I'm watching. This looks to be the first time Gale has seen this too, because he watches with intense concentration.

Finnick states that Snow killed anyone in his way to the Presidency. He drank poison to deflect suspicion on his part. He wears the roses to cover up the scent of the bloody sores in his mouth that will never heal. Gross. Serves him right.

Boggs shuts it off.

"When did this air?" I ask.

"While we were rescuing you guys," Gale answers.

"To create a distraction," Delly adds. I didn't notice when she came into the room.

"We didn't air all of Katniss' interview in the Capitol." Boggs says.

"Why?" Gale asks.

Because I personally don't care.

"They didn't want to show her as vulnerable, which is what she is when speaking about Peeta."

That statement seemed to bother Gale a little more than it should have. I wish I could just tell him that she's a mutt and the real Katniss died a year ago. But then they would be suspicious of my intentions to see her.

"Would you like to know how we got you out?" Boggs asks.

Not particularly. But I've got nothing else to do so I just nod.

"We found you on the floor, close to death from a gunshot wound to the chest. But maybe twenty minutes before we found you, Dr. Aurelius put gas in the ventilation system to knock everyone out. He had just enough time to shut the power off and blame a power failure, due to Katniss' propo airing on every screen in the Capitol."

I'm listening.

"We detonated a bomb in a government building near the Training Center, a few miles away from the mansion and the cells you were being kept in underground. The gas knocked out all of Snow's guards in his mansion and the prison, but the bomb distracted the Peacekeepers while we got you all out."

It gets dark outside. Gale goes to the window and watches for a long time.

I fall asleep, but I'm woken up a few hours later and Gale tells me that we're getting close.

I'm let out of my restraints since I haven't flipped out in awhile. So I'm allowed to walk freely, by myself, to the hospital inside thirteen.

It's pretty far underground, and I'm still very injured and weak, so I almost pass out when we reach the wing of the hospital I'm to be treated in.

I guess I wasn't the first one to arrive. When they open the door to the wing, there are doctors and nurses running all over the place, treating the wounded. I see Johanna, she's already being treated.

I'm led to my separate room and once I'm in my bed, a nurse hooks me up to a bunch of different machines. "We're going to need to do a full body scan to test for internal bleeding. I'd like to check his arms, I don't think they healed correctly,"

I remember breaking my arms. She goes on about all these other tests I need, but my one question to her is, "Can I just have five minutes?"

She pauses, trying to read me. But then she nods and leaves the room.

Boggs asks me if he can get me anything. I'm hungry, I'm thirsty, and I want to sleep. But I don't ask for any of those things.

_Because I'm on a mission to kill the mutt. The only thing I say is, _

"Can I see Katniss?"


	14. The Therapy

I try to wait for her arrival, but I feel drowsy. I close my eyes for just a minute, and when again they open, the nurses and doctor is back. The Doctor wraps a blood pressure cuff around my arm, while a nurse looks into my eyes.

"Can we do this later?" I ask them.

"You asked for five minutes, we gave you ten. What are you so anxious about, anyway? Your blood pressure is sky high." I sigh.

"Katniss is coming to see me." I say, hoping they'll get the point and leave me alone, but they don't. Maybe she won't even come. No matter, I'll kill her tomorrow. They think I'm in love with her, they won't keep us away from each other for too long.

Then the door opens and she stands there, looking at me.

I don't see hate. I don't see evil. I don't see anything bad in her eyes. I see hope and happiness and relief.

_Don't be stupid! Don't fall for her lies again, you idiot! She killed your family! _

I think as I step closer to her. She steps closer to me.

_She tried to kill you!_

Almost there…

_She killed your baby!_

And now I'm within arms length of her. I close my hands around her neck.

_Yes, it's working! She's dying! No one else will die because of her!_

She turns blue but then something hard hits me in the head.

When I wake up, I'm restrained. No big deal, I'm used to it. I'm hoping to see Boggs or Gale or someone that can confirm whether I was successful in killing the mutt or not. I was knocked out, so I wasn't sure. But no one familiar to me comes in. Even the nurse and doctor I had before have been replaced.

A doctor comes in, one I haven't seen before. She tells me her name is Doctor Hersch. She puts on a pair of gloves and with no emotion at all, sits next to me and tells me, "You've been hijacked by the Capitol," and before I can ask her what she means, she goes on, like she knows what I was going to ask.

"It means they used tracker jacker venom and subconscious manipulation to trigger your fear receptors in your brain. They successfully altered your memories to make you unsure of what is real and what isn't."

I know. What I don't know, is which is which.

"We don't have much information on hijackings or treatment, but myself and a few other doctors specializing in mental disorders will be observing you and trying to reverse the process. We may or may not succeed."

So far, I like this doctor. I like that she doesn't try to make me feel better. She says what I need to hear and that is it. If I don't like it, oh well. She seems trustworthy.

_So did Snow._

"How do I know I can trust you?"

I say.

Very matter-of-factly, She takes off my restraints. "I'll let go of your restraints. Any treatment will be completely up to you. If you don't want us to help you get better, we won't and that will be the end of it. But, if you don't let us treat you, you won't ever see anyone familiar to you again because you're dangerous to them. It's all up to you."

Snow never gave me an option.

"Do you want help, Peeta? Or don't you?"

I nod.

The rest of the day is spent with me drinking a certain kind of tonic made in 13 that will help my body drain the venom that still lingers. I'm given all the food and water I ask for, which is a huge relief, because I'm tired of the dirty water and stale bread I had in the prison.

My doctor gives me a sketch pad and some colored pencils, so that I can draw. She thinks getting me back to doing something I used to enjoy will help bring back positive memories and help the therapy.

At the end of the day, I've drawn mostly different pictures of the meadow in District 12, and pictures of the Games we were in. There is one drawing in particular though that I can't stop thinking about. I drew a picture of Prim on reaping day, walking up to the stage. Prim wasn't reaped. Katniss was. And my intent was to draw Katniss walking up to that stage. But she never took form, my hands drew Prim instead.

I sleep peacefully. And when I say peacefully, it means that I'm not woken up to sobs and screams or fighting like I'm so used to. I still have horrible nightmares and I toss and turn, but it's peaceful compared to what I am used to.

The next day, Doctor Hersch brings two more doctors in, I'm assuming they're also mental health professionals.

They sit down around me. One on my right and left, one at the foot of my bed. They all have pens and clipboards in their hands. They look at me expectantly. Doctor Hersch looks down at me. "Peeta, this is going to be a very long process."

I nod.

"I need you to tell us about your life. What is your earliest memory?"

"I don't know, I guess there are a lot."

"Think back really hard, Peeta. The earliest one you can remember."

My grandmother.

"My grandmother rocking me to sleep."

"How did you feel while your grandmother was rocking you to sleep? Were there any emotions that didn't seem to fit that situation?"

"I felt sleepy, calm, at peace. No, there weren't any emotions that didn't fit."

"What about the facts? Was there anything about it that didn't seem quite right?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, was there anything out of place? Maybe a clock that, in the memory, was in a different place than you are familiar with it being in?"

"No, we didn't have a clock in the living room."

"Was there anything about the memory that seemed to stand out?"

"In what way?"

"Any. Just, really, anything at all that stood out. It could be that the moon was unusually bright that night, or it could be that it was hotter than it should have been for that time of year."

"No, nothing."

She asks me those and more questions about every memory I have from the time I was four years old to the time I was eleven, but she avoids all memories having to do with Katniss.

"I think we're done for today," She says, and the doctors put their clip boards down and get up to leave.

"Don't you want to know about Katniss?" I ask. This makes Doctor Hersch stop, but then, without turning to face me, she walks out the door and says, "Not yet."

The next day is the same, I told her my life story from eleven years old until now. She still hasn't asked about Katniss. It gets later, and she sends the other doctors away, but stays in my room during dinner, and she eats with me.

Dinner is nothing but small talk, but after, she tells me her results.

"Based on what you've told me, it doesn't look like Snow touched any memories you've had that doesn't relate directly to either the war or Katniss. We'll focus on those tomorrow."

I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I'm apprehensive about it.

Of course, since I'm a little worried about what the next day will bring, night goes by quickly, and before I know it, Doctor Hersch and her two accompanying specialists surround my chair again.

She sets a briefcase down on the table.

"What's in there?" I ask her.

"Tracker Jacker Venom." She tells me.

"What?"

"Relax, Peeta. I don't know if we'll even be using it yet. And even if I decide we should, it's still all up to you."

I take a few breaths. "Thank you for being so honest with me."

'That's my job."

_Don't let your guard down you idiot!_

"Are you ready for the tough stuff, Peeta?"

"Yes." I say, though I'm not sure I am.

"Make sure you record this," she tells the other two specialists. They snap their pens, ready.

"Peeta, please tell me your first memory of Katniss."

I proceed to tell her about the first day of school, when I first saw her. When she asks me if anything stands out or seems off, my answer is no. When she asks me if there are any negative emotions associated with the memory, I can't find any.

It's the only good memory I have associated with the real Katniss. The one that isn't here anymore.

"Good, then that matches the tape."

"What?"

Doctor Hersch must have heard about my episode on the hovercraft, because she warns me when she's about to take out a tape. Regardless, when I see the flashy metal disc, the flashback returns. The one I had on the hovercraft.

When it's over, she asks me if it's okay to continue. I nod.

Katniss and I sit in the cave during the first Hunger Games. I have to remind myself over and over again not to feel the hatred or betrayal or fear of the Katniss I am watching. She is real. She isn't the one who caused me so much pain. That girl is dead. Just like everything else I have that's been taken from me.

On the tape, in that cave, on that day, Katniss says, "Peeta, you said in the interview you had a crush on me forever. When did forever start?"

I watch myself tell her the story. About seeing her on that first day of school. About how my father wanted to marry her mother, but she chose the coal miner instead because, well, "When he sang, even the birds stopped to listen."

That sentence triggered another memory, one I thought was long gone. When I was lying on the riverbank near death, and what told me that Katniss was alive was a Mockingjay carrying her song, singing to me in her voice. That triggered even another memory.

"Stop the tape!" I say, before I lose my hold on it. Doctor Hersch immediately shuts off the tape and listens to me intently.

"The second clear memory I have of her, it's coming back to me."

I didn't notice it, but even some memories that Snow didn't touch, became harder to reach after the hijacking. I guess once I started associating everything bad with the mutt Katniss, I hid the good memories of her away. But I tell myself that mutt Katniss isn't real Katniss' fault.

"Go on, Peeta."

"We were nine, and in a music assembly, for school. The teacher asked who knew the valley song," I start to say. Then the doctor interrupts.

"What's the valley song, Peeta?"

"Deep in the meadow, under the willow, a bed of grass, a soft green pillow,…"

She looks at me with curiosity. But, I don't remember the rest of the song.

I curse Snow out loud for taking it from me. It wasn't enough to trick me into falling for the mutt Katniss, but he took real memories of the real Katniss away from me by triggering fear.

"I don't know."

"And the memory," She says, "If you can retrieve it."

"Well, the teacher asked if anyone knew the valley song, and Katniss' hand shot straight up. She sang it, and at that point, the crush developed into more."

The doctors stop writing.

"But, Peeta, in your interview, you said you had a crush on her forever. You said nothing about love."

"I lied. I can't remember why."

"Are you sure? Or did Snow alter this memory?"

It breaks what's left of my heart that I don't know the answer to that question.

"Truth is, Snow could have altered any of my memories. I have no way of knowing."

She grimly looks up. This is the first look of sympathy I've seen from her. But in a second, it's gone.

"Let's move on." She says.

She continues to ask me if there was anything about the memory that stood out but I couldn't think of anything. Then she asks for the next memory.

For the next hour, I tell her about the mine explosion her dad was in, she and her family starving, Katniss going into the woods and bringing home pine needles. All the way up to when I saw her outside the bakery on that rainy day.

"And what was she doing?"

"She was digging through the trash to find food."

"What happened then?"

"My mother shouted at her and she started to leave, but then fell against a tree from the weakness. And looked at me."

Doctor Hersch urges me to go on with her eyes.

"Then, I burnt two loaves of bread on purpose. I was going to throw them to her but before I could, Gale helped her up off the tree."

They stop writing again. "What is it?" I ask.

"Just keep going, Peeta."

"Anyway, Gale shows up and tells Katniss that he has fresh game. Deer. He holds up a bag. She smiles at him, thankful for the food, and tells him she hasn't had deer in a long time. Then they walk away hand in hand, and my mother is standing next to me. She tells me that Katniss doesn't need me. No one ever will."

"Is that all?"

"Yes."

"And what about this stands out? What doesn't fit?"

_Nothing. This is what happened._

"It was… more defined than the rest. Easier to remember."

_It's just a clear memory. You're going to confuse them and fuck up your treatment._

The doctors look at each other, hopefully.

"What does that mean?"

"It could mean Snow touched that memory. It could mean it's just a clear memory. We'll have to watch for patterns and see what we can piece together. What I can tell you, is that memory is inaccurate."

"It is?"

"Based on what you told Katniss in that cave, yes. To what degree, I'm not certain."

Doctor Hersch plays the tape. It's still in the tv, so I don't get the flashback. The flashback episodes are very painful. I never want to see a tape again in my life.

She presses a button and the tape skips backwards in scenes. She stops it and in the tape, I tell Katniss, "Lucky he didn't catch you too."

Who? I can't remember.

"He did. But he let me go. He asked me about Rue and I told him about Marvel,"

"Stop the tape!" I say, grabbing my hair with both my hands and grunting.

"What is it?"

"I can't tell you how it feels to watch yourself living on tape and not remember anything about it. It seems like someone else's life, not mine."

"Can you explain?"

"Rue? Marvel? I don't know who they are. The names don't even ring a bell."

"Interesting. Let me just show you the bread part, and then we'll focus on what you _do_ remember about the first Games."

She hits play.

"About the flowers, about the song, he told me he heard the song when injured and it gave him the strength to keep going."

"He let you go because he didn't want to owe you anything?" I ask her on tape.

"Yes, I don't expect you to understand it. You'd always had enough. But if you lived in the Seam, I wouldn't have to explain."

_This girl? You were in love with this girl? _

"And don't try, obviously I'm too dim to get it."

"It's like the bread, how I never seem to get over owing you for that." She says.

The bread? What bread?

_You gave her no bread._

"I didn't give her any bread though. Gale showed up." I say. She shushes me, telling me to listen.

"The bread? From when we were kids? I think we can let that go, I mean, you just brought me back from the dead."

"But you didn't know me. We had never spoken. Besides, it's the first gift that's always the hardest to pay back. I wouldn't have even been here to do it if you hadn't helped me then."

Doctor Hersch flicks off the television.

She stares at me expectantly, but I'm so confused I have nothing to say, and I'm getting a huge headache.

"I never gave her any bread…" I begin.

"Peeta, you did. I'm not sure what the details were, but you just said it."

I did. My own self on that television. I said it, I must have known then. It's driving me crazy not knowing how or why I did it, either. I mean, I really didn't know her. There was the whole love thing, but other than that, I know no details.

_They doctored the tape! It's been done before! Don't be stupid this time around!_

Why would they do that after being so up front with me?

_Don't fall for it! Don't trust anyone! Trust leads to betrayal! There's no other route!_

"I think, it may be best for you to watch the entire tape of the first Games, rather than you tell me what you remember about them."

She agrees to stay with me while I watch. And we agreed I'd ask her to stop the tape when something in the tape doesn't match what I remember.

Most of the tape I don't remember happening at all. It's like I'm watching the Games for the first time. But certain other things I remember happening a different way.

And it all started with the reaping.


	15. The Flash

**A/N: I feel like I might be making Peeta's recovery too easy. Any tips on how to make the recovery more realistic and less happily-ever-after? **

I watch the tape from the beginning, but Doctor Hersch skips the first few reapings, and stops at the reaping for my district.

I watch as Effie calls out "Primrose Everdeen" and Katniss volunteers to take her sister's place.

I ask her to stop the tape and she does.

"Why would she do that? Take Prim's place?"

"She loves her sister, Peeta. And Prim was only, about 12 right?"

"But, I don't remember it happening that way."

I tell her about Katniss being reaped, I tell her about Katniss trying to break my wrist when we shook hands on stage beside Effie after I was reaped.

She shows me the tape. Katniss volunteers for Prim. I come up on stage after Effie calls my name. She never tried to break my wrist on stage. We barely had any eye contact with each other, our hands never touched. As soon as we were reaped, Peacekeepers ushered us into separate rooms.

"Snow tried to replace early memories of Katniss with those of fear and distrust." Doctor Hersch tells me.

"Then, how do I know what is real and what isn't? I don't even know who the real Katniss is, or was."

_It doesn't matter. She's dead. _

We watch the rest of the Games. The only other memories that were different were the bread in the cave, and when she cut down the nest of tracker jackers. I remember her telling someone, I'm guessing her ally Rue, that she had no feelings for me and didn't care what happened to me before cutting down the tracker jacker nest.

In the tape, she did cut the nest. And it did fall on me and the career tributes. "Was she trying to kill me?"

Doctor Hersch examines the tape. "With the nest? Possibly. Do keep in mind though, this is when she thought only one tribute would come out of that arena. I don't know what was going through her head at the time. I only know what I see in the tape."

When the tape is over, I ask her about Katniss.

"So, is she.."

"Alive? Yes. Thankfully, we got to her in time."

_I didn't succeed in killing the mutt._

_Regardless of the memories Snow altered of the real Katniss, the one here is still very, very dangerous. _

"Can I see her?"

"Not right now. I'd like to get you slightly more stable first. And to be completely honest she may not want to see you."

_Well, I'll find a way to kill that machine._

"We're done for today, Peeta."

I don't know why, but it seems like the more time goes by that I'm not being hijacked in the Capitol, the less I remember of the real Katniss. Was this intentionally done by Snow and Mr. Yves/Doctor Aurelius?

"Wait," I say.

_Learning about the Katniss that died will only cause you more pain. Best to forget her existence._

It kills me to lose myself, I have to know.

"I don't…seem to remember much about her. Can you tell me about her?"

"I'm not at liberty to discuss Katniss Everdeen outside of what's necessary."

"Please? I don't remember much about her."

I see for the second time, sympathy in the doctor's eyes. She sits down and sighs, then looks around the room.

"What do you know?"

_Her death, and what I just saw on the tapes. Nothing more._

I know too much about the Katniss here now, but nothing about the one from the tapes. Who was that girl? Why did the Capitol choose her to try to kill me, above all other options?

I remember Snow telling me that my mind was fragile because of her, but why?

"Only what I saw on the tape."

"Well, I don't know much." She says, checking around the room one more time.

I look at her expectantly. "Peeta, why don't we try something else first, before going into that. I'd like you to try talking to someone from home."

"Who? Haymitch?"

"No," she answers, a little too quickly. She clears her throat. "No one that you would associate with pain or torture."

My restraints are put back on as the doctor leaves the room.

She doesn't return, instead, a blonde girl does. The girl looks familiar, but I can't place her. Her name is at the back of my head, I know it is, I just need a refresher. Am I losing memories of everyone, not just the real Katniss?

_Don't trust her, she's working with them._

No, I know this girl.

"Peeta? It's Delly. From home."

It comes rushing back to me once she tells me her name. I remember our childhood playing together, I remember her on reaping day, and I remember her in the hovercraft when I was rescued. Everything I'd ever forgotten about her has returned.

Then what was the point of the memory wipe Snow had somehow ignited?

_What makes you think it was Snow? Could have just as easily been Hersch. The wipe didn't start until you arrived in 13._

Hersch can't lie to save her life.

_OR she's just very good at making you believe that._

The wipe didn't start here. It started in the Capitol. There, though, memories were erased and replaced.

Delly looks at me worriedly, then looks to the wall on my left and back. Is she trying to not make eye contact or something?

_She's afraid of you._

"Delly? Delly! It's you!"

"Yes. How do you feel?" She says, relieved.

"Awful. Where are we? What happened?"

We're in 13. The Capitol captured and tortured me. 13 SAYS they rescued me, but who knows? Delly isn't a very good liar either, and I asked the question to gauge her response.

I'm relieved to know that at least I remember those things. I must not be completely gone.

When she replies, she looks me in the eyes. She isn't lying, unless she's gotten very good at it.

"Well, we're in District 13, we live here now."

Yes, but WHY are we here?

"That's what those people have been saying, but it makes no sense. Why aren't we home?"

_Because the mutt ordered it destroyed._

"There was…an accident."

_Of course there was. They've got her fooled too! Is it the muttation Katniss? Is she the cause of Delly's confusion?_

She goes on saying something or other about animals, but I'm no longer listening. Delly dodged my question, and I need the answer.

"Yeah. Pigs and Cats and things. You said… about an accident?"

"It was bad, no one…could stay."

_BECAUSE SHE KILLED THEM! ALL OF THEM! AND SHE'LL KILL YOU TOO DELLY!_

"But I know you're going to like it here, Peeta. The people have been really nice to us. There's always food and clean clothes and school is much more interesting."

_The people are probably nice because they're afraid of the muttations power and what she'll do if they don't give in to her demands._

"Why hasn't my family come to see me?"

I know the answer to this as well. _The mutt killed them all, that's why._

I muster up as much emotion as my stone heart can conjure and look Delly in the eyes. She can't lie or allude a question like that, not with a severely disoriented boy she grew up with teary eyed.

"They can't. A lot of people didn't get out of 12. So we'll need to make a new life here. I'm sure they could use a good baker," She begins to say.

I'm never baking again.

Delly, again, tries to distract me.

"There was a fire." I say.

"Yes."

At least she finally admits it.

"Twelve burned down, didn't it? Because of her!" I say, and though I'm not supposed to reveal that I know "Katniss" secret, that she's a mutt, the anger takes over my mind and I don't filter the things I say when I open my mouth again, and say to Delly, "Because of Katniss!"

I have to get out of these restraints before the mutt knows what I've been saying and comes for Delly. The Capitol always builds their machines to spy on the citizens of Panem, whose to say they didn't design the mutt that way too?

"Oh, no Peeta, it wasn't her fault." She says.

_She's got Delly fooled. Poor Delly._

I have to help Delly.

"Did SHE tell you that?"

"She didn't have to.. I was…" She starts to say, defending the mutt, obviously oblivious to what is really going on here in 13.

Someone pulls Delly out of the room, and I'm here alone again.

I'd better get used to it.

_I'll be alone forever. I want it that way. _

In the weeks that pass, I gradually gain more and more memories of the real Katniss back.

I had a crush on her when I was five. I loved her from the age of nine to when I was in the Capitol.

I threw her the bread that day, and it kept her alive.

I watched her walk home from school every day, making sure she was safe. I remember seeing her come in and out of that hole in the District fence.

I remember in the Games, what happened and what didn't. There are still some questions, but they are rational ones, such as "Was she trying to kill me with the nest?"

But I know now that Katniss never hated me in the Games. She never tried to kill me out of hatred or spite. With the tracker jacker nest, if she was trying to kill me, it was part of the Game.

It took me awhile, but eventually, these memories came back, naturally, without the use of any venom or any other chemical or substance.

At first, I was just watching them over and over on tape, but then my mind began piecing back together the years of Katniss that I'd totally lost.

When watching the cave scene, I now remember things that weren't on the tape. Little details that only I'd know, so there would be no way for them to alter those details.

I'd had no venom, so I knew these memories were real.

But perhaps the worst part of this treatment, was hearing from the Games announcers, Capitol citizen comments, Doctor, Hersch, and pretty much my entire mental health team in 13, just how in love I was with this girl.

It's certainly believable. What with her volunteering for her sister, her voice, her need to defend the helpless. Anyone would fall for a girl like that.

The way I was kissing her and taking care of her in the cave, too, none of that was fake, at least on my part.

But I am not in love with this girl now, and I don't even remember what it feels like to be in love.

Is that emotion gone from me? Irretrievable?

Snow didn't just destroy my body, and break my mind. He destroyed my heart and took my soul.

I don't feel heartbroken about my family's death either.

It's possible that I've moved on. It is. But highly unlikely. Shouldn't it take longer to get past the grief of losing my entire family?

I don't tell Doctor Hersch this, but I haven't felt any kind of emotion, at all, in a long time. I don't remember the last time being happy. To be fair, I also don't remember the last time being sad. I remember being angry at the mention of Katniss in my meeting with Delly, but it didn't feel like it was my anger. It felt like I was programmed to react that way.

I suppose I could look at this as either a blessing or a curse.

To never experience any kind of pain or heartbreak or sadness again? Blessing.

To never experience happiness, laughter, love? Curse.

It took much more time to get through the second Games than it did the first.

Because before I rewatched and, thereby, relived, the second Hunger Games, I had to accept that the Katniss in District 13 is not who I believed her to be.

I'm sitting here, now, in the present. I'm in my hospital room. I'm no longer confined to the bed. I no longer have restraints. I am not dangerous anymore, just "Mentally disoriented."

At least, that's what is printed on my metal bracelet.

Doctor Hersch and my mental health team are sitting in here with me, awaiting the latest propo.

And as we wait, I think back to the day that Doctor Hersch told me what should have been the greatest news ever, but that I was indifferent to:

"Katniss Everdeen is still alive, Peeta."

_NO! The Capitol killed her and made her likeness into a mutt! You SAW Snow put a bullet through her head! You held her dying body in your arms and watched her draw her last breath. You saw her bleed, you felt her heart stop. She's dead! DEAD!_

"No, Doctor, she's got you fooled."

"Katniss Everdeen is still alive, Peeta." She says again.

I told her the memory I have of Snow putting a bullet through her head, and then she went through the routine questions that she always asks me. "Was there anything about it that stood out?"

We'd established previously that an altered memory had a somewhat "shiny" quality, in that everything was too in detail to be a memory. It was a transplant.

"It was…shiny."

She smiles.

I work through it in my head.

All the images of Katniss trying to kill me were indeed shiny.

This was confirmed when I watched the second Games and Katniss made no attempt on my life at all, other than trying several times to save it.

In those weeks that have gone by, I've learned to recognize the pattern of a fake memory when I get my flashbacks.

However, not all are easy to determine. Sometimes I still struggle to determine whether they are real or not real.

Like the baby.

I remember again, back a few weeks ago, the doctor asking me if there were any other dangerous memories I had of Katniss.

"Yeah, she killed our child by drinking Mercury."

She laughs.

"How is that funny?"

"It's not, Peeta," she says, trying to regain composure. "It's just…so ridiculous."

I look on at her in anticipation.

"Well, look at the way she protects her sister? Would a girl like that really kill her own child?"

"No, probably not…"

"Besides," she interrupts, "Katniss wasn't ever really pregnant at all. That was a plan on your part to exploit the Capitol citizens in hopes for them to beg for the Capitol's mercy. It worked, mind you."

She then shows me the tapes of the interviews. It's clear she had no idea what I was going to say. She looked just as shocked as everyone else, though she tried to hide it.

"So, those nights on the train, we nev…"

"That," she says, holding up a hand to stop me, "I don't know about. Nor do I want to."

My mind is snapped back to the present when Doctor Hersch waves a hand in front of my face.

"Earth to Peeta,"

I flutter my eyelids and shake my head.

"It's on."

Katniss comes on the screen.

I know it's her, the real one, deep down, but it's hard to push so many negative reactions to her away, after being told she was a mutt for so long.

She's bandaged and bruised and bloodied, in a hospital bed.

"See?" Doctor Hersch says. "Here's some more proof she's not a mutt. Would a machine be capable of looking like hell?"

Again, I appreciate how up front this doctor is. Admitting to me that she looks like hell. The other doctors would have tried to play down her injuries to spare my feelings, not like I have any.

Anyway, she stands there now, and says,

"This is Katniss Everdeen, coming straight to you from the hospital in District 13. I'm sure you've all heard rumors of my death in District 2 after the bombing. Well, I stand here now to tell you that the Mockingjay won't die that easy. No, I'm not speaking of myself. I'm speaking of the movement. The rebellion. I stand here today, bruised and injured, to tell Snow and the rest of the Capitol officiates that you can't break us, and that we're coming for you."

The television shuts off.

"What's that about 2?" I ask.

In my treatment, we've gone over Katniss over and over again, but I realize now that I haven't been kept up on the rebellion.

"Rebel forces now control all districts. The only thing left to fall is the Capitol. And fall it will," Hersch says, smiling and high fiving another doctor.

I should know the other two doctor's names. But I don't care. I should. But I don't.

The other two doctors leave and Hersch sits in front of me, unable to hide the smile on her face, like she's got a surprise for me. "Peeta, do you remember Finnick?"

"Yes."

After seeing the tapes of the second Games, the memories have come back to me. I'm still not sure if I like him or not, though.

"He and Annie are going to be married tomorrow. There's a cake already made, but,"

"But what?"

"Haymitch and I thought it might be good for you to frost it."

"Thanks for the thought but I don't feel like it."

Her smile fades.

"Why?"

"Just, don't think it's fun anymore, I guess."

She sighs. "Peeta, just do it. I really do believe it will be beneficial for your health."

I don't answer and her frown goes away, but her eyebrows indicate what I know to be frustration.

"Do it voluntarily or I'll require it as part of your therapy. It will help you, Peeta. You'll see."

I sigh. It's not that I don't want to do it, I just don't want to do it either. "Fine."

I lie awake in my bed tonight, preparing to wake up early tomorrow to begin frosting the cake.

As I lie here, I try to sort out the mess that is my mind.

These are the things I've been told since I've arrived in District 13:

1. My name is Peeta Mellark.

2. I'm eighteen years old.

3. I'm in District 13.

4. My family is dead.

5. Katniss Everdeen is alive and not a mutt

6. I'm in love with Katniss Everdeen

7. The rebels are winning the war.

And these are the things that I know for certain:

1. My name is Peeta Mellark

2. I'm eighteen years old.


	16. The Cake

Standing here, observing it, it really is a beautiful cake. I forgot how much I lost myself in doing things like this. It almost makes me…happy. Happiness seems visible but just out of reach.

It's just a simple, round, one-layer cake. The fondant is the color of the ocean-quite fitting for a couple from District 4. I used a lighter shade of blue and made ripples on the darker shade to resemble waves.

And even though flowers don't really fit on a cake that's made to look like an ocean, what would a wedding cake be without flowers?

So I get an idea.

I frost water lily's onto the cake.

They're not an ocean flower, but they still grow in water, and they're beautiful.

I must admit it took me awhile to steady my hands and get my mind to focus on this, but I got the hang of it, and the majority of the cake looks professionally done. The part that doesn't? Well, I turn that part to the back so it's unseen, then I let myself smile, if only for a moment.

Doctor Hersch comes in with Haymitch as I'm looking it over. "Peeta! It's absolutely beautiful!" She says. Haymitch snorts. "If you like that flowery sort of thing, then yes, it is."

Someone else would be offended, but I know Haymitch, and this is his way of complimenting me.

"Thank you, both of you."

"Are you ready to go back to your hospital room?" Hersch says. I'm about to nod but then Haymitch says, "Aw, let the boy go to the party. He needs to have some fun."

"I don't think that's such a good idea." She says.

I'd like to go to the party, if only to look on the faces of people that are in love, meaning Annie and Finnick. Maybe by seeing it I'd remember what it was like. But Hersch is right. It probably isn't a good idea. The smallest things trigger my flashbacks. A tape, a needle, any sharp object, any kind of rock or brick, any kind of livestock, and those are just a few.

I'm sure everyone would understand if I flipped out, but I wouldn't want to be the cause of such a disruption.

"Really, it's okay." I say.

"Well, at least let me talk to him." Haymitch says. She hesitates.

"Look, if he gets outta line, I'll whack him on the head."

She smiles and shuts the door behind her.

Haymitch looks down. "I know the proper thing to do is to give you a hug, but it's not going to happen."

I almost laugh. Almost.

He walks over to me and puts his hand on my shoulder.

It triggers a flashback.

"What's going on? Peeta?" He shouts.

I get some distance between he and I, and I let my knees reach the floor. I bury my head in my hands, holding my palms against my ears. It doesn't help, but I have to do something with my hands.

The headache comes and gets worse and my body begins to shake and I start screaming as I remember Snow putting a hand on my shoulder so many times.

And all of a sudden, I'm afraid Haymitch will do what Snow did to me after putting his hand on my shoulder: Torture me.

"Stay away!" I Scream at him.

Haymitch listens and stays away from me but doesn't leave the room. He's got his flask handy though, in case he needs to hit me with it.

In just over a minute, it's over. I feel my heart beat returning to it's normal rhythm. My mind goes back to it's original frequency. The sweating stops and the headache subsides.

"Sorry," I say, "I.."

"Don't apologize, kid." He says.

"Was it…the hand?"

"I think so. It triggered a flashback."

"So, how you been?"

"You have the nerve to ask me that?"

And, by some miracle, I feel anger.

It's not the ideal emotion, but it's something. I'd rather feel angry than feel empty. It doesn't feel like the anger I had when speaking to Delly, either, it feels like it's come from me this time. "What?"

"What could I possibly have to be mad at you about?" I mock him,

"Let's see," I say, "Let's start with not telling me about that damn plot to get out of the arena. Had I known, I'd have been sure to be in the right place at the right time. Speaking of which, I'm sure it wouldn't have been THAT hard to come back for me to save me, not to relieve Katniss of her guilt. You really had to wait until the last possible second to come rescue me, didn't you? Typical…"

His jaw is dropped. "I know."

I could go on, but I'm thrown off by Haymitch admitting that he was wrong. "I know. I shoulda told ya. Don't know what I was thinking." Haymitch nods and starts to leave.

"Haymitch?"

"Yes?"

"It's nice to see you again."

I catch the faintest glimpse of a smile from him.

"You too, kid."

He turns around then.

"So, how is she?" I say, and though I would need more of a specification than that, Haymitch knows who I am referring to, since I'm supposedly in love with her. I wish I could feel that again. Even if her feelings weren't reciprocated. It's a horrible thing to go through life seeing people in love and knowing that there's a good chance you'll never be that happy.

"She's fine..considering."

"Considering?"

"The war. Her injuries. The pressure for her to perform in front of the cameras…you know she hates the attention."

"From what I remember of her, yes."

"You really don't remember much of her, do you?"

"Some. Not as much as I'd like to. I remember facts, but they aren't tied to emotions."

He shakes his head.

"If she weren't going to kill Snow, I'd do it personally." He says.

"Do you think she still loves me? Or did she love me at all? Everyone seems to sidestep my questions."

"The worst thing she's been through this entire time, was watching your deterioration on television."

"Yeah, but was that out of love? Or guilt?"

Haymitch doesn't answer me.

"Why don't you ask her?" He says. "I've never been too sure exactly what that line is for her. Between friendship and romance. She's hard to figure out. Which is why I'm glad it ain't me that has to deal with it." He tells me, laughing.

After he says this, a few memories come back to me. On the train after the first Games. She tells me she's not sure how much of the romance was fake. She's reluctant to fall for me in the remission between the first and second games. She admits this to me before the second games, in the training center. But I don't know if she was successful or not in _trying _not to fall for me.

_Like it matters. You can't love her again. You can't even laugh or smile anymore. _

Still, I'd like to know. Any information about my life that I can't remember I'd like to get back.

"Can I see her?" I say, and Haymitch nods, but not before making sure Hersch hadn't come back in.

Doctor Hersch wouldn't approve of me seeing her.

_Because you might kill her._

No. That was the mutt I thought she was. This is Katniss.

But it ends up being harder than I thought it was to remember who she is, when I see her face to face.

Haymitch convinced Doctor Hersch to let me see her if I was under restraint.

I agreed. I lay here in the hospital bed in my room, and she stands there, arms folded, guarded.

"Hey." She says.

"Hey." I respond.

"Haymitch said you wanted to talk to me?"

I have to tell myself over and over again that she is not a mutt. Not a mutt. Not a mutt. This is Katniss.

I devise a way to do this. Every three seconds, I will close my eyes, just for a moment, and think of a good memory I have with her. And try to focus on a real one. While in this memory, I will repeat to myself that she is not a mutt.

It helps, but just barely.

"Look at you, for starters." I say. And I do. I want to observe that she is human.

I look at her skin, scars in some places. Hair disheveled, the skin on her nose is slightly oily. She's not flawless, which is good, because it means she isn't a machine.

_She fooled you before._

In the memory of her and I on the train, when I thought we conceived the baby, she was perfect in every way. Skin soft and bright and even, no visible scars. Face perfectly symmetrical. Eyes brighter than the sun, despite their gray color. Hair seemed to reflect light even though it was dark in that room. Flawless, in every way.

This girl is far from flawless. She's pretty, but not as pretty as I remembered her being in the train memory. She's not as tall or muscular as I'd originally thought.

I confirm this, though I don't know why. "You're not very big are you? Or particularly pretty?"

She seems offended. I didn't mean to offend. I guess I didn't realize those words would make her feel anything at all. Because if she said it to me, it would just be fact. But I can't feel anything, so I guess that's the difference. She seems annoyed with me. Then says, "Well, you've looked better."

I have looked better. I'm not offended at all. Should I be?

"And not even remotely nice, to say that to me after all I've been through?" It's true that it doesn't _really _bother me, but I know that's not something you tell someone that used to love you, and has just been nearly tortured to death.

"Look, I don't feel well, maybe I'll drop by tomorrow."

NO! Don't leave!

_I could care less. _

Stay! I want you to stay!

"Tell her something about the bread", I think to myself.

_You're making a huge mistake._

"Katniss, I remember about the bread."

"They showed you the tape of me talking about it."

No, I saw the tape of ME talking about it, in the first Games.

"No. Is there a tape of you talking about it? Why didn't the Capitol use it against me?"

"I made it the day you were rescued," she says, "so what do you remember?"

"You, in the rain, digging in our trash bins. Burning the bread. My mother hitting me. Taking the bread out for the pig but then giving it to you instead."

After I say this, the alternate memory comes back to me. The one with Gale helping her and my mother telling me she didn't need me. I turn my head away so she can't see me grit my teeth and shut my eyes until it's over and I get back to reality.

"That's it. That's what happened. The next day, after school, I wanted to thank you. But I didn't know how."

I get a memory. A real one. Not blurry, just far off. That's how I know it's real. I tell her about it.

"We were outside at the end of the day. I tried to catch your eye. You looked away, and then, for some reason, I think you picked a dandelion."

This is a warm memory, and I _almost_ feel happy to have had that moment.

"I must have loved you a lot," I tell her. And by the way her voice catches when she says, "You did," I can tell she caught that I used the past tense. I _must have _loved you. Not I _do _love you. I _have_.

And here comes the reason I wanted to talk to her in the first place.

"And did you love me?"

Either answer would be bad. If she did love me, then we both lost something that could have been so wonderful. It could have kept us safe and secure instead of always sad and scared and worried.

If she says no, then everything we've been through has been for nothing, other than the war. We still stand where we stood up on that stage, two long years ago.

_But do you really care now? You loved her then. She's just a girl now. _

"Everyone says I did. Everyone says that's why Snow had you tortured. To break me."

Yeah, but everyone also said you'd end up with Gale. You still might, but you're avoiding the question.

"That's not an answer. I don't know what to think when they show me some of the tapes. In that first arena, it looked like you tried to kill me with those tracker jackers."

"I was trying to kill all of you. You had me treed."

Then I get another memory, of me joining the careers to keep her safe. Of us chasing her up the tree and me telling them she'd have to come down eventually. My plan was to distract them so she'd be able to leave, but she couldn't have possibly known that. She thought I was trying to help them kill her.

"Later, there's a lot of kissing. Didn't seem very genuine on your part. Did you like kissing me?"

If she says she did, then there's my answer, about her loving me or not.

"Sometimes," she says. Of course she doesn't give me a direct answer. "You know people are watching us now?"

I take this to mean steer clear of the romance. No can do. I've gone without answers long enough.

"I know. What about Gale?"

I get a memory of us standing on the top of a staircase after the first Games. I think it was after the Victory Tour. I asked her if she kissed Gale and she had, once.

"He's not a bad kisser, either."

Well, how about that.

_A mutt. What kind of girl plays with your heart like that? And his too?_

Don't jump to conclusions. Remember what Haymitch told you last year? How can she choose when she feels forced?

"And it was okay with both of us, you kissing the other?"

"No, it wasn't okay with either of you. But I wasn't asking your permission."

I find her bluntness kind of funny. "Well, you're a real piece of work, aren't you?"

She gets angry and walks out.

And then I laugh. I didn't think it was possible. But I did. I remember that part of the reason I loved her so much was because of that no bullshit attitude she had. I remember feeling amused, I remember messing with her in that way because her reaction was funny. I remember laughing with her now. I remember the joy in my heart when I saw her laugh.

Could I be returning? Could it be possible for me to get back to whoever it was that loved her? That she may or may not have loved?

Maybe. And that's good enough for now.

_Don't get your hopes up. Have you not learned your lesson? Having been crushed by her twice, and then having her taken from you? Physically and emotionally?_

"AH! Make up your mind!" I scream out loud. This is the first time that I've had those arguments in my head and accidentally said something out loud.

This other side of me, whoever he is, maybe he's intuition or instinct, or maybe just a demon. He can't make up his mind. He goes back and forth from trying to make me hate the Capitol, and trying to make me hate her. I like him better when he hates the Capitol. Both sides of me agree on that.

God, I really am crazy.


	17. The Fight

**A/N: I've got a question. I've avoided bringing this up ever since I first started rewriting The Hunger Games. But curiosity always gets the best of me. The reason I was so drawn to the world of the Hunger Games is because I see it as realistically possible. Not just The Hunger Games, either. George Orwell's 1984, Ray Bradbury's Fahrenheit 451, Veronica Roth's Divergent, and Lauren Oliver's Delirium. All books take place in a world where people have no freedom or sense of self and government controls everything. I'm not saying the actual hunger games are realistic, but a future world in which a government controls everything and owns everyone and gets away with anything, that's possible, and the possibility that one day our world will end up like that? Frightening. What is your opinion on this? Do you see our world headed in such a direction? **

One week. That's how long it's been since I pissed Katniss off and she stormed out of the room.

In this last week, Doctor Hersch informed me that all of the tracker jacker venom is out of my system now, completely.

"It will make you far less irritable, and far less dangerous. You're still not completely right in the mind, though. So even though you're no longer restrained to your hospital room, you still need to be cautious, and there will be a guard on you."

I nod.

The first thing I do is walk around District 13 and get a feel for the place. Though there is a guard watching me at all times, he walks about thirty feet behind me and sometimes I even forget he's there.

District 13 is nothing like my home or the Districts I saw on the Victory Tour. It's like a big maze. Hallways go here and there and there's no way to get anywhere in the District without taking like five elevators and twenty different hallways. And I'm not even exaggerating. How anyone navigates this place is beyond me, but everyone seems to know where they're going except for me.

What disturbs me the most isn't getting lost in this huge underground maze, though, it's the whispers I hear when I pass by people. The people in this district know about me and Katniss, but they only know what they saw in the games. They whisper and speculate about everything else. The main things I hear are "Is that him?"

And "Has she seen him yet?"

I begin to get frustrated with it all and then the guard offers to guide me back to my room, and I tell him that would probably be a good idea at this point.

When I sleep, I remember the hallucination that I saw when I was dying from the gunshot wound in the Capitol:

I lay in the meadow in District 12. Katniss sits next to me in her blue dress, the one she wore at the reaping for the first games. This is the real Katniss. This is the one I love.

She smiles at me and picks a dandelion up, then blows off the top of the flower. She does it again and then hands me one and I partake in this innocent, yet peaceful activity.

She sings to me, the lullaby so popular in our District. I close my eyes and the world spins.

Then I remember her picking up the dandelion after school that day.

When I wake, I feel safe and warm. Like the lyrics in the song. I know it had something to do with the memories of her and the dandelions that show up in both memories.

Then I remember drawing meadows for therapy with dandelions in them.

I remember painting dandelions after the first Games.

What's up with all the dandelions?

_You mean weeds?_

"Shut up."

The guard looks at me confused. "What?"

"Sorry, I wasn't…" Let's see, how can I put this without sounding crazy?

No way. "I wasn't talking to you."

He just raises his eyebrows as he shuts the door, leaving me in my room, alone with my thoughts. And the other guy in my head.

I get a telephone call and it's Doctor Hersch.

"Peeta, how are you feeling?"

"Fine, I guess. I still get a little confused, but I think I have it under control."

"So do I. That's why I'm releasing you from solitary meals."

"What?"

"You've been served every meal in your room."

"That's not how it works?"

She takes a second to answer. "Well, no, I guess I forgot to disclose that information. District 13 citizens get a schedule to follow. Someone will be coming up to collect your blood. One of your other head doctors will be with him just in case, but let them take a bit of your blood and then he'll explain everything to you."

"Okay." Before I hang up, she says,

"Peeta, you'll be dining with other citizens. You can eat with whoever you like, but whoever it is, you need to have their permission first."

I hang up.

It isn't long after I hang up that there is a knock on my door, and then a very small man, couldn't be taller than five feet, and very skinny, comes in holding a vile and needle.

Needles don't bother me anymore, I'm so used to them. But, I'm afraid the needle will trigger a flashback.

He sits down next to me and I figure I'm in the clear.

"Good afternoon Peeta," the man says, fixing his glasses. He reminds me of Beetee, in a way. Beetee isn't quite as small as this man, though. "I'm Doctor Delson."

"Nice to meet you. So what's this about a schedule?"

"Oh yes, we take a blood sample from you and then we'll have your name and all your information registered in our system. We can tell by your blood if you've got any type of illness or anything like that. We can also tell what your Daily Caloric Intake should be."

"What's that?"

"The amount of food you need. That's how we ration out our food."

I hold out my arm so he can take the blood. "Once the vile is drawn, I'll run it to the lab, and then they'll encode all your information onto a computer chip, which will then be put into a tracking bracelet that you'll be required to wear at all times. Every morning, you'll have a schedule imprinted on your arm. Failure to follow that schedule is a crime."

He sticks the needle in my arm, and then that's when the flashback starts.

My body contorses violenty, not shaking, _jerking, _in all different directions until I feel an odd pain in my neck. The headache is stronger than ever, and I try to close my eyes to let it pass, but instead I get memories of Mr. Yves injecting me with poison, over and over, back in the Capitol.

I remember our last conversation. I was holding him up by the collar of his shirt, and he pleaded with me to stop. He told me his name was Dr. Aurelius and to give him a chance to explain, but I was angry and didn't listen. I stormed out.

When my hallucination/flashback is over, the doctor looks genuinely frightened.

"Did you get the blood?"

"Uh, Yes." He says, reluctantly.

"I'll have someone send up your tracking bracelet. After that you'll be free to head down to lunch with your peers."

He nearly runs out of the room.

"I hate that everyone is so afraid of me." I tell my head doctor.

"That's good."

"How is that good?"

"Someone that can't feel anything, wouldn't care at all."

The thought that maybe someday I'll be human again makes me smile, and I hope that that day isn't too far off.

After getting my tracking bracelet, the guard that brought it to me and another guard escort me down to the cafeteria. It's massive. Probably the size of Snow's entire mansion, all expanded into one room. There is a buffet of sorts, or at least that's how it looks. The food doesn't look very good, though. It certainly doesn't resemble the buffets or the meals we had when preparing for the Hunger Games, but I guess I should come to expect that it won't.

I feel very uneasy about this tracking device. And not only because it's uncomfortable. The thing keeps sliding up and down my arm. It's very frustrating, but besides, that, this bracelet, is my entire life, all contained in a tiny computer chip.

The leaders of District 13, including the woman running the place, President Coin, has complete access to literally _anything _about me, and they can get it anytime they want, for any reason. The whole rebel movement is to take over the Capitol, who has become too oppressive. How is Coin and her regime any better, when citizens are generalized down to a citizen number on a computer chip?

It's quite unnerving.

The only thing that gives me a little solace is that, for the first time in forever, I have an _option. _

In this big room full of people, I can sit anywhere I'd like so long as it's okay with them. It seems stupid at the same time, being all excited about getting to choose who to socialize with, but after so long of having absolutely zero freedom at all, it's invigorating.

Of course, I don't sit with strangers. I see familiar faces and my feet head in that direction. Finnick and Annie sit together, holding hides, side by side. It's now that I notice how pretty Annie is. Fair skin, dark hair, lips full of color. Finnick's lucky, I hope he knows how much.

_Because I know I'll never have what he has, someone to love. Why should he have that?_

I have to force myself not to think that way. I should be happy for them.

_Why? You owe him nothing. The times he saved you were for Katniss. _

"Just stop!" Thankfully, this time, no one heard me speak to myself.

Johanna sits next to them, and directly across from Johanna, is Katniss. Gale sits to Katniss' left, Delly to her right. I walk up to them, and I see Katniss laughing, and her and Gale's bodies don't even have an inch of space between them. What's going on here?

_She's left you behind, again. This is what you get for trusting people. _

She notices me staring at her and stares back wide eyed, and stops chewing. The first one to talk to me is Delly. "Peeta, it's so nice to see you out…and about."

I can't help but feel like no one wants me here.

_Because no one does. Why would they? Finnick and Annie have each other, Katniss and Gale, Johanna doesn't like you all that much. And Delly's just being nice because she has to._

Before I can accidentally respond to myself out loud, Johanna says something. I'm thankful for her question. They'd all think I was crazy if I started to argue with myself here.

She asks me about my handcuffs, so I tell them that I'm not completely trustworthy yet and that I need their permission to sit there.

The only person's permission that I actually care about getting is Katniss. Maybe because I tried to kill her and I feel guilty. I don't know. But the rest of their opinions don't matter. I owe them nothing.

I don't know what's wrong with me, but since I got back from my walk earlier this morning I've been much more irritable than normal. Doctor Hersch said I shouldn't be because all the venom worked its way out of my body. I chalk it up to the extra stimulation and overload of new information while my mind isn't yet stable.

If I want to stay here, I'll have to keep it under control.

Johanna is the one to answer me. She says I can sit here, then informs Katniss that she and I are old friends, because we're familiar with each other's screams.

Annie flips out, the thought disturbing. I'd be disturbed too, but I was there, so I'm far passed that. Now I'm just messed up completely.

Finnick gives Johanna and angry look and she says, "What? My head doctor says I'm not supposed to censor my thoughts. It's part of my therapy."

Wish that was part of my therapy. There are a few choice things I'd like to say to everyone here at this table.

Delly immediately tries to calm everyone and tells Annie I frosted her wedding cake. I'm expecting her to just mumble something no one understands.

Then she looks at me and says, very genuinely, "Thank you Peeta." She seems completely normal when she says it, like for just a minute, her mind erased the images of pain, loss, and sorrow.

It has a contagious effect, and it soothes me too. So I tell her, just as genuinely, that it was my pleasure.

Katniss smiles at me when I say it, but quickly turns her focus back to her plate when she catches my gaze.

"If we're going to fit in that walk, we'd better go," Finnick says to Annie. They get up from the table, hand in hand, and start to leave.

"Good seeing you, Peeta," He says.

_He's being sarcastic! Just look at that smug smile!_

_Say something! _

"You be nice to her Finnick, or I might try to take her away from you."

_There you go, that will put him in his place for rubbing his happiness in your face._

After I say it, Johanna drops her fork and nearly chokes on her water. Everyone else just looks at me like they don't think they heard me right. Well, they did.

Finnick doesn't get angry like I kind of hope for him to. He just tells me not to make him sorry for restarting my heart.

_You restarted my heart for Katniss. Not for me. Had it not been for her, you'd have let me die, and just shook it off as one less tribute._

Delly, oddly, is actually the one to become angry with me. Slightly agitated, actually. "He did save your life Peeta, more than once."

I tell her I owe them nothing. Because I don't. Not him, not anyone.

Once I say it, Katniss speaks up. "Maybe not. But Mags is dead and you're still here," she says, out of spitefully, "that should count for something."

_Oh, she wants to go there?_

_The fact that we spent so many nights together on the train, and somehow she doesn't seem to care at all? Like none of it ever happened? _

_The way she's acting with Gale, like he's her favorite person in the world. Like our kiss in the cave or on the beach, like none of it existed. Like she never loved me. Maybe she didn't. _

It doesn't really have anything to do with what she just said, but I'm upset. And I can't watch my words like I used to. It's harder to censor my thoughts because of the Capitol's torture and mind games. Her mind games. She's guilty of them too. Anyway, I bring up the train. "Yeah a lot of things should count for something that don't seem to. A lot of nights on the train, for instance."

I watch her face for any sign of emotion. But none is there. Like she's taking a moment to register what I said. She doesn't see Gale's face, but I do, and it gives me joy. He looks at her as if to demand explanation. It's funny. Johanna starts giggling but she's not too loud as she doesn't want to be singled out in it.

Delly, looks just as confused as Katniss does.

I pick up my spoon and move it back and forth in a swaying motion, from Katniss to Gale and back. "So, are you two officially a couple now, or are they still dragging out the whole star-crossed lover thing?"

Now, I see the anger in Katniss' face I was hoping for. Her eyebrow creases as Johanna tells me, "Still dragging."

_Does no one care about what I've been through? Not only them, but even the people in the districts care only about our supposed "romance" and nothing about what's really going on! They're all just as guilty as Katniss is for playing games with you, but for taking part in them._

I feel my hands clench into fists and I feel the adrenaline building up. I tense and grit my teeth, tightly squeeze my eyes shut, and I'm about to punch something, anything, but I think about going for the table, when Gale says something.

"I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it myself."

"What's that?"

"You."

"You'll have to be more specific. What about me?"

Johanna speaks up before he can, but I'm sure she only says what he was about to, when she says, "That they've replaced you with the evil mutt version of yourself."

_Because they let it happen. No one cared if I was left in the arena, and then taken to the Capitol to be tortured. If Katniss had been completely fine with me being in the Capitol. Then They'd have never come for me._

But if they had to risk a mission to come rescue me because she was so distraught, what does that say about her feelings for me?

_It WOULD say something, IF she weren't sitting next to Gale right now, trying hard not to jump across the table and punch you in the face._

But Katniss and Gale have already left, and I didn't notice.

_See? Not even a goodbye!_

"Gah! Get out of my head!" I scream, holding my palms to my ears, knocking over my tray of food all over the table.

"Peeta! Calm down!" Delly yells to me. But I can't.

_She kissed Gale outside the Hob!_

"No! She didn't!"

"_Yes, she did!"_

And now, both sides are being spoken out loud, and try as I might, I can't shut them up.

"It didn't happen that way!"

"_Yes it did!"_

"You weren't even there!"

"PEETA!" Delly practically screams at me, finally getting my attention. It shuts them up too.

I look at her expectantly. "What the HELL is the matter with you?" She yells, getting closer and closer to me. She pushes my chest with a finger, and she's so small that I don't budge, it just throws me off.

"You can't just come in here, UNINVITED, I Might add, and treat everyone like complete crap! If I was Finnick I would have thrown your sorry ass down on the table and popped you in the mouth!"

Johanna looks more interested in what's going on now than she's ever been in anything before, including the games. She's got a smile on her face and her eyes are wide, and she has her arms folded across her chest, watching us.

"I didn't…" But I don't get the chance to say I didn't mean to, because she says,

"And Katniss! I'm sorry, Peeta, I know things must have SUCKED for you in the Capitol but things here weren't rainbows and butterflies for her either! You think it's EASY for her to watch you being tortured on screen? To deteriorate by the minute? How would YOU have felt if you were the one that was rescued and she'd been taken, and you were forced to watch her slowly die? In certain ways, Peeta, she had it worse!" She screams. Then she flips over a tray and leaves the room, still mumbling curse words under her breath.

When she leaves, the rest of the cafeteria stops watching us and goes back to their normal conversations. I hadn't even noticed they were watching us.

"Well," Johanna says, clapping once, "you upset everyone's ray of sunshine, congratulations." She's laughing, but looks as if she's not pleased with me either.

"I thought her head was going to fly off her body, and steam was going to float out of her neck."

"Thanks for the image."

She mimicks me talking to Annie earlier, when she says, "My pleasure," winks, and walks away, with two trays. Hers and what was left of mine. Before she gets back to the door, she waves, and my guards take me away.

Great, now everyone in the cafeteria knows way more than they need to.

Another weight on my shoulders.


	18. The Backstory

**A/N: Looks like I might get to 100 reviews before this is over! :D MANY MANY THANKS!**

**I describe how district 13 looks in this chapter. I don't think I did it very well, though, but don't know how else to describe it. I wish I could draw a picture and put it on fan fiction. I don't think that's possible though, right?**

Today is the first day that I check my arm schedule.

PEETA MELLARK8:00 BREAKFAST

10:00 COMMAND

12:00 LUNCH

1:00 BEGINNERS WEAPONRY

2:00 BEGINNERS CONDITIONING

5:00 DINNER

That's my schedule for the day.

I go down to breakfast but don't see any familiar faces, so I just stand near the doorway to eat until I'm finished, and I get to command a little early.

I'm sure Doctor Hersch heard about my mental breakdown during yesterday's lunch and recommended for me to have a different meal schedule than everyone I could harm. It's probably a good thing.

The guards have accompanied me the entire morning, but they let me go into command alone.

"Peeta," a tall man approaches me, but before he can introduce himself, I say, "I know who you are!" And I back up against the wall, getting more freaked out with every step towards me he takes.

"Peeta, it's okay. I'm a rebel. I've been working in the Capitol for a long time, but never FOR the Capitol."

It takes him awhile to calm me down, and President Coin, obviously frustrated with the amount of time it's taking, sighs, rolls her eyes, and tells me to sit down before she has me locked up in my room again.

I get the feeling this is not the kind of woman to piss off. She reminds me of Snow.

And that's more frightening than anything.

"I'm sure you've heard of our progress," she says, pushing a button. Then the lights go out, and an image gets projected onto a screen in front of me.

It's the Capitol.

"This is our base camp. Right now, we're just on the outskirts of the Capitol." Then she stands up, and walks towards it. When she gets there, she points to three additional places on the map. "Within the next week or so, we hope to have more base camps, here, here, and here," She says, pointing to the appropriate spot.

She looks at me to be sure I'm paying attention. She folds her hands behind her back and walks over to me. "We need to give this…a little push. Capitol citizens are helping with the Capitol's resistance, because Snow's pitched the propo of you calling for a cease fire too many times to count. Seeing you fighting for us, though, may just give them the doubt in the Capitol that _we need_ to push on."

"So what do you want me to do about it?"

"Well, this is your fault anyway. Fix it. I've got you in weapons training and conditioning. You're going to be training with other soldiers preparing to be shipped to the Capitol with a new battalion in a few weeks time."

"Do you really think I'm mentally stable enough to handle weaponry?"

"You'll have your guards. And I don't need you to be completely stable…just stable…_enough."_

And I have no idea why she put so much emphasis on that last word.

"Look distraught on camera, but like you know what you're doing."

"Is that even possible? It's kind of contradictory."

She gets short with me then, and puts her hand under my chin, roughly lifting my face to make eye contact with her. "DON'T mess this up. You're dismissed."

A man escorts me out, a man I recognize from the hovercraft that came to get me from the Capitol. Boggs. When we're in the hallway, I ask him, "Was that a threat?"

"Don't take what she says too personally. She's not evil, just a little intimidating, and power hungry."

"Isn't that the perfect recipe for evil?"

He doesn't answer me.

After lunch, I get to beginner's weaponry.

I don't know a single soul here, so I just choose a random spot next to a guy that's slightly taller than me, maybe a few years older. His hair is brown, but darker than mine, and longer than mine. His eyes are a deep blue. He's strong in his arms, but the rest of his body looks undertoned.

"I'm Ketra," he tells me, whispering.

"Peeta."

"I know."

The instructor holds up a rifle, and shows us all how to take it apart and put it back together, and then instructs us to do it as quickly and accurately as we can.

It's harder than it looks. It's a simple step by step process but at first I have trouble remembering what to do first. I'm not the only one though, many people have this problem.

We all do this several times until after a half hour has gone by, and there's no hesitation amongst anyone.

For the remaining time, we learn to load them. This takes much less time, as it's much easier.

"Tomorrow, we learn to shoot." The Instructor says, "For now, let's go outside."

We follow the instructor, whose name I don't catch right away because he's slightly hard to understand, outside.

We stand in District 13 at the base of the woods, but still technically in the district.

The next few hours are spent conditioning.

We start with stretches, then progress to push ups and sit ups, but most our time is spent running. We run what's called suicides. And the name is fitting.

It's a mile stretch of grass. Five markers are placed up the stretch. We run to each one, and run back, then run to the next farthest and run back. We do this until we're we do it again.

By the end of the first half of this running, we get a short water break. I'm exhausted, but in a way, I'm thankful for it, because running like that, with all my focus being on keeping up, has given me release from the mental torture I've had to struggle with for so long.

I felt like myself again, like a child running in the square with his friends, playing tag. It allowed me to escape. Not once did the other side of me intrude on my thoughts. Not once did I argue with myself.

Until I saw Katniss.

She and Gale were off in the distance during my rest, returning from the woods. They each had a bow in hand, and I got a flashback.

My mind flashes back to the second arena, when I thought Katniss pointed her bow at me before blowing out the arena. After the arena errupted in explosions, she blew me a kiss, right before my back hit a tree and snapped my spine.

The memory leaves me and the headache subsides. My body begins to return to its normal resting state.

I remember thinking how hard it is for certain memories, to distinguish between the real ones and the not real ones, how some are harder than others to figure out. This is one of the harder ones. I know that some elements of this memory are true, and some are embellished, but I can't remember which are which.

Before our break is over, I get up and start running again, only for the peace that it gives me.

"Peeta!" Some woman says after the conditioning is over for the day. She runs up to me, holding a camera. I wince my eyes and prepare for a flashback, but I'm relieved when none comes.

"Excellent footage. You looked so… focused. Haven't seen you like that in awhile."

_This woman is talking to you like you're friends. Like she knows you!_

"Who are you?"

"Oh, Sorry" she says, "Sometimes I get ahead of myself. I'm Cressida. I'm the one taping you for the propos."

It still bothers me that I'm being taped at all, but if it will help speed things along so this war will be over with, fine. I just want to get on with my life, even if there's nothing I have to look forward to.

"Thanks," I say, trying to hide my annoyance.

"I'll see ya tomorrow!" She trots off. "Don't know what she's so excited about," then I realize I'm speaking to no one.

I go back to my room. Alone, again.

But Doctor Hersch is there.

"Peeta, they've decided you don't need to be kept in a hospital room anymore. You're being assigned a compartment."

"A compartment?"

"It's what District 13 citizen's live in. One per family."

"So, I'll be in there alone?"

"Yes. I could arrange for a guard to bunk with you in there if you'd feel safer."

"No, that's not necessary. I was just asking."

She looks at me, like she's deciding whether to believe me or not. "Okay. Well, I'll leave you to it then." She hands me a small paper with my compartment number and a map, showing me how to get there.

I don't have many things. Just two sets of matching District 13 gray clothes, issued to everyone. One pair of casual shoes, and then my military boots and camouflage uniform. Don't know why we'll need camouflage in the Capitol, though. We could wear neon pink flamingo suits to war in the Capitol and still blend in perfectly fine.

I decide to pack the sheets from my hospital bed. I'm not sure if they'd offer me more, assuming I would take these or not. If I do already have some waiting for me there, it wouldn't hurt to have extra. I don't think it'd be too hard to replace the hospital sheets anyway.

Looking at the map, it's much easier to figure out District 13 than it was when I was taking my walk the other day.

District 13's underground compartments go from one hundred feet below ground, to three hundred feet below ground. All above had been destroyed before I got here.

There are exactly 13 floors, naturally. There are three, separate, circular structures. One in the north, one southeast of that one, and one southwest of it. Each structure contains a common area, but there isn't much there other than hallways going to the other structures, and elevators. Each of the 13 floors have exactly 62 compartments.

All structures have hallways leading to the Cafeteria, which is actually the middle point of it all. You'd think it would be command, but command is in the northernmost part of the northernmost structure. Next to the Cafeteria, are the communal elevators. These are the only working elevators that can get you outside. The hospital is above the Cafeteria in the central part of the district, equal distance from the three housing structures.

My compartment is in the southwestern structure. I'm in compartment 10 on the 8th floor.

I don't know how close I am to Haymitch, Katniss, or anyone else I know. I don't even know if we're in the same structure. They might be in one of the other two. There's no way to know.

Doctor Hersch knocks at my door a short while later. She informs me that she requested me to be put as closely to her as possible so she'd be closeby should I need her. She's three doors down. I thank her for letting me know and then I ask her, "What compartments are my friends in?"

"I'm not at liberty to discuss that information."

I'm beginning to get tired of her dodging my questions. Though I suppose it's better than her lying about the answers. "I'm sorry, Peeta, but even _I_ have someone to answer to."

"Yeah, Coin."

"Well, technically, yes. But there's middleman between she and I. I've said too much. Good night. Come over anytime you need to."

She leaves me alone to wonder who she's talking about.

Then I realize that she seemed in a hurry, which is extremely rare for her, actually, I don't think I've ever seen her rushed. I've got nothing to do for the next few hours before I go to sleep so I decide to go over there.

There's no window to see in, and she was just at my compartment, so she'll have no way to suspect it'd be me. So she opens the door.

Then I see him standing there.

"Mr. Yves?"

"Actually, my name is Doctor Aurelius," he says.

I get a flashback and my knees buckle. I fall to the ground, remembering him telling me the same thing in the Capitol.

When it's over, I'm extremely paranoid and I back up against the wall. Doctor Aurelius, calmly as he can, sits down and puts his hands out in front of him for me to see them.

"Peeta, let me just tell you my story…"

I look at Doctor Hersch, one of the only people I really feel like I can trust, and she says, "It's okay, Peeta," with a sympathizing look. So I stand up, I'm still too freaked to sit down and let my guard down, but I listen.

"I was born in the Capitol, but I'd always had roots in the Districts. My father was… A Capitol citizen. My mother was a victor, the daughter of a cattle rancher from district 10. She won the 42nd Hunger Games. And, well, you heard Finnick's story about the way the Capitol treats, ahem, _desirable _victors."

Yeah, I get the point.

"Anyway, being born here, I had all the privileges of Capitol life and luxury. I was never at risk to be a contestant in the Hunger Games, I never knew poverty or starvation or any of it. My mother left me with my father in the Capitol because it'd mean a better life for me. But I've always felt like I was the product of an evil, corrupted government. I planned to run away to District 10 when I was studying to be a head doctor, but my professor had a better idea. I've been working for the rebels in the Capitol for a very long time."

"But, you had me poisoned…"

_He played with your mind! Kill him! KILL HIM! He KNEW what it would do to you! If he was really a rebel leader, he wouldn't have hijacked you in the first place!_

"I know, Peeta. I'm sorry, but there was no other way. I had to have Snow's trust or he'd have me killed and then replaced. You see, a "hijacking" is supposed to be permanent."

"This feels pretty permanent."

I'm clenching my fists now and I'm starting to breathe more quickly. I'm struggling to maintain my composure.

"I didn't give you the correct dosage, Peeta. I had it diluted. The venom took your memories and altered them, yes. But once you learned the true memory, it came back to you, right?"

I remember watching the video of Katniss and I in the Hunger Games. At first it was all strange to me, like it wasn't even me. Then I started remembering little details that no one else could have known about. My real memories.

"Yeah, they did."

"Most patients aren't so lucky. They end up the Capitol's machines."

The word "machines" gives me a flashback. My head spins and I'm nauseous, I fall down backwards, hitting my head against the wall. I start shaking violenty, screaming for it to stop. I remember being in the Capitol now, when Snow first told me Katniss was a mutt, and I didn't believe him. Then, my head goes to the torture room I was in, when I was finally forced and tormented into saying it out loud, and then they put the venom in, sealing my false statement in my mind.

This is one of the longest flashbacks I've had so far. When it's over, I actually throw up. That hadn't happened before. I feel sick. Not just physically. Mentally.

I'm disgusted with myself for ever believing a word of it. I'm disgusted with myself for letting them take her from me. They took her, my family, my memories, my life…everything. I hate Snow. I hate the Capitol.

"Are you okay?"

"I need to lie down."

"Certainly," Dr. Aurelius says, rushed. He straightens up the blanket on the cot in the compartment we're in and motions for me to sit. I immediately do, then lie on my back and put my arm over my eyes, because I'm still slightly dizzy. I didn't notice Doctor Hersch leave the room, but apparently she did because she comes back with a wet washcloth and tells me to drape it over my eyes.

It helps a lot.

"So, you're saying I can get back to normal?"

He shakes his head, looking at his shoes. "I'm sorry Peeta. As time goes by, you'll be able to recover your memories, and with time, you may even be able to distinguish between the real and not real to the point where there's never a doubt which is real. But, I think things won't ever be the same."

Hersch must see the pain in my eyes, because she says, "You know, though, after something as big as this rebellion, I don't think anyone will ever be the same. War changes you in ways you never thought it would. Even when you're not on the front lines."

It's quiet for a few moments. Then Dr. Aurelius says, "I hope you understand why I did what I did. I hated myself for it. But I'd worked a long time to get Snow's trust without doing anything I'd be ashamed of. All for this, this rebellion. Refusing to give you venom would have ensured that Snow got someone else to do it, and you'd better believe he'd make damn sure he got the right person that time."

"He didn't have another option, Peeta."

On the one hand, I probably would have been either crazy or dead or a Capitol mutt had he refused. On the other hand, maybe I'd prefer that to this. To always questioning your reality. It really is exhausting. Everything I do, every second of the day, I have to question.

What gives him the right to make the choice for me? Shouldn't I Have at least been informed before all this happened? Before I unwillingly signed my life into madness?

He may have been right in his choice. He may have been wrong. But he was right about one thing. My memories, along with my feelings, will come back. Because right now, I feel pretty damn angry.

I throw the washcloth against the wall and I leave the room, before I do something I'll regret. On the way out, I turn my head to them and say, "There's _always _an option, doctor."


	19. The Breakthrough

I feel the need to talk to someone.

_There's no one you can trust, you know that now. _

If I don't talk to someone, I'll lose it. Delly is way too positive, which could be a good thing, because I probably need that right now. But I don't want that. I don't want to hear how everything will be okay, and everything is wonderful, because there's a good chance that those things aren't true.

I couldn't get within ten feet of Katniss if I tried, even though there's no guards on me right now. Surely if people saw me heading towards her, upset the way I am, I'd get security called on me and get put back in the hospital, or restraints. Not like she'd talk to me anyway. I'm not sure about her feelings for me right now, but I know they aren't good. I'm assuming they're somewhere between disliking me and hating my guts.

I can't talk to Gale. He's not trustworthy. And he doesn't trust me either. He'd probably punch me before I got even close enough to say anything. But it's all fine, because he's one of the last people on earth I want to speak to.

Johanna couldn't keep her mouth shut if she were paid to. Especially now since part of her "therapy" is to not censor her thoughts. Still not sure if I buy that. It may just be an excuse to say whatever she wants and not come off like a bitch. But it doesn't work like that.

Haymitch is probably passed out drunk, and really, I'd probably just end up putting away his booze and getting him onto his bed to sleep it off. Still, it looks like he's my best option right now.

Until I see Prim.

She's wearing the same gray clothes everyone else here wears, except there's a red cross over where her heart is. She's heading towards the hospital when she sees me.

She runs toward me and my first instinct is to run away. Not because I'm scared of Prim, because I'm scared of the other side of myself. What if she does something that triggers a flashback and I accidentally hurt her? Does she know I'm not in complete control?

But I'm frozen. I notice how much she's grown up since I last saw her. She's taller, but she seems older in the face. Like she's been through a lot of trouble. But that comes with the territory of living in Panem during the second Rebel war. I must look like I'm eighty years old in the face by now.

She hugs me and I try to resist, because I'm afraid it'll trigger a flashback, but when I don't get one, I return the hug. Then step back, cautiously.

"Peeta, it's so good to have you back!"

"Well, I'm glad at least one person thinks so."

"Who doesn't…oh, you mean Katniss? Don't worry 'bout her, she'll come around. She's just got some other things she's trying to sort out."

_Yeah, like Gale. _

"Thanks…but I didn't mean Katniss. I was speaking in general."

"Oh.." she looks off. "Well, don't pay attention to it. No one here really gets it…you know?"

"Yeah," and I'm surprised at how intuitive she is.

"Everyone here is nice and all, but none of these people have been to the Hunger Games and back. They haven't lost a family member to it. Or a friend. Or, anything else."

"I just feel like everyone's afraid of me."

"Well, I'm not. You're still Peeta, Peeta," she says, laughing. "You're just like, you know, Peeta 2.0"

"What?"

"Oh uh, computer lingo. Learned it here." She looks back at the hospital doors. "Well, I have to get back." She says, and I nod.

Before she goes back in, she turns her head and says, "Oh, and getting your hair cut might help with the scary thing. Ya look like Seneca Crane."

I can't help but smile. I really must look ridiculous. I haven't had my hair cut or shaved in so long.

I'm much more calm now, heading to my compartment. Prim has that way with people. That's why she'll be a great nurse, or maybe even doctor someday. If we can just win this stupid war and all go home.

When I go to sleep, I think about her words over and over again. "You're still Peeta, Peeta."

I am still Peeta. And I've really got to find a way to make sure I always will be.

I have the same strain of dreams again. With the dandelions. With Katniss in the meadow. Dreaming of painting dandelions. Dreaming of picking dandelions.

When I wake up, for the first time since I can remember, I experience true happiness. And even though it's only barely there, I can feel it. It makes me feel light. My chest feels light. Air comes easier. It's easier to get out of bed. It's easier to be the Peeta that I was and not the one I was forced to become. The best part is that being happy, if only just, and just for a moment, means that I am not as far gone as I thought. I still have my emotions. I still have my heart and soul, deep inside. And I can get them back, in time.

I remember my dreams from last night, and am sure that those are the cause of my awakening in happiness. I can't help but feel like dandelions are symbolic. It doesn't make any sense, but dandelions among weeds- it describes the ability to overcome anything. At least, that's what they say to me. The dandelions, I mean.

And it's then that I decide to stop feeling sorry for myself and work my ass off to get the life I had that was stolen from me. My ability to see the good in everyone and the positive in everything: My ability to see the dandelion amongst the weeds. The hope amongst the despair. The love amongst the hate. The joy amongst the sorrow.

And I start today.

For the next couple of weeks, I talk more and more to who I know now is Doctor Aurelius. Doctor Hersch still checks in with me, which I appreciate. But her job was to get my sanity back. It was to clear up the lies.

Doctor Aurelius specializes in emotional trauma. If anyone can help me defeat the root of all my problems, it's him, which is ironic considering he helped Snow give them to me in the first place.

But he's not the person he was in the Capitol. He answers all my questions, like Hersch did. And every part of my treatment is optional. No chemicals are pushed through my body. No mind conditioning or brainwashing is used.

And through our therapy sessions, I begin to remember things about him in the Capitol that prove his case.

I remember one of the first false memories I'd had implanted, I woke up still remembering the real and the fake one. That wasn't supposed to happen. It happened, because he'd diluted the venom, allowing me to keep the real memory.

The next time, Snow forced him to give me more of the venom so it didn't happen again. But he gave me just enough so that I'd only remember the fake memory, but I'd still have the real one stored, instead of deleted completely.

I also learned that the reason my fake memories are "shiny", is because he laced the venom with another hallucinogenic compound, causing the memories to look that way. He explained to me in one of my sessions that he did that, so that if and when they freed me from the Capitol, or if I ever got out alone, I'd be able to distinguish between the real and fake memories.

Without his clever thinking, I'd be a mutt in the Capitol right now.

I'd rather be "Peeta 2.0" than Capitol Peeta.

In addition to my therapy, I'm also still in conditioning and weaponry, and training hard. I've advanced to intermediate weaponry, so now I'll be assembling and handling grenades, shotguns, and handguns, instead of just rifles. And tomorrow, I have a test to see if I'm ready to go to the Capitol and fight.

Doctor Aurelius was insistent on me not going, but Coin insisted I be given a shot. Normally, only soldiers who have been through advanced war strategy, conditioning, and weaponry get to take the skill test to see if they're able to go and fight, but Coin said I'd be an exception, because the rebels needed to see the boy who called for a cease-fire fighting the Capitol.

Well, it all makes sense to me. And while I'm scared to death of the flashbacks I may get in the Capitol, nothing would make me happier than to see this war be over. And if I can help that, I'm damn sure going to try.

I don't sleep any better than I normally do, but I went to sleep early in preparation for this skill test.

On the way there, Boggs describes it to me. "There are four parts to the exam. The first is an obstacle course, to test your physical strength. There's a written portion on military strategy and tactics, and Coin informed me that you hadn't been trained in that yet, but I was told to tell you to do your best on that. Thirdly, there'll be a test of weapons proficiency. But what really makes the test, is the simulation."

"Simulation?"

"You'll be put into a room that resembles a city block in the Capitol. It's rigged with traps and it's designed to find your weakness and exploit it."

I don't have any hopes of passing that one. My weaknesses? Let me see…I have decapacitating flashbacks that come from anywhere, anytime, and I never know how long they'll last. I can't swim, I can't shoot an arrow or throw a knife…I could go on and on.

He seems to sense my tension. "Just do the best you can. No harm done if you fail."

I get through the obstacle course in record time, for myself, that is. On a curve, I did far less than average. But at least I got through it. I knew some questions on the exam just by using common sense, but at least half were foreign concepts to me. The weapons part I did okay on, there were a few things, like mines and machine guns I couldn't handle, but I hadn't worked with those. I did surprisingly well handling rifles and shotguns, but compared to how I did on the other tests, that won't count for much.

If I hope to go to the Capitol, I have to really prove myself in the simulation.

But I get the feeling this will be the hardest part of the exam.

They put me onto the simulated city block. There are a few lavish restaurants, clothing shops, and bars to my right. I'm looking straight into an alleyway with stray boxes, a brick floor and brick walls. The alley goes uphill after about sixty feet, and I can't see what's above that hill.

But I'm about to find out.

I hear the sound of rushing water and I freeze. My eyes widen in terror when I see it come down that slope, and start closing around my ankles, then my knees, then my waist, then my chest. I take the last breathe that I can and prepare to go under.

Once I'm fully submerged in the flooded street, I have to remind myself that this is only a simulation. The danger, of course, is real. But I'm being watched, and I don't _think _they'll let me die. But I've been wrong before.

When I feel I can't hold my breathe any longer, I force myself to remember the beach. In the water, Katniss told me I didn't need to swim to stay above water. She told me simply, "Keep Calm, Breathe Deep, and Don't Panic. You'll float."

But before I can do as she suggested, the water flows out of the street, leaving me soaking wet, standing on the bricks, trying to catch my breathe. I hear a loud buzzer, and then a flashing red light appears on the wall above the alleyway in front of me. It says "Simulation 1: FAIL".

Fantastic…

Then I see someone running towards me. It's a dummy, a computer programmed dummy. And it's small. It's only about four feet tall, very narrow and thin. But it has a knife, and it's remarkably fast.

Before I know it, the dummy is inches from slashing my throat. I keep dodging it, but he doesn't tire. I realize the only way out of this is to fail or to somehow beat the dummy.

This is designed to exploit my weaknesses. I'm weak at…escaping? Seems fitting.

Then I think about it, while still dodging the knife. If it's designed to exploit my weaknesses, then I have to use my strengths.

I think back to the training center, before the first Hunger Games. When I'm telling Haymitch about Katniss' skill with a bow and arrows. She gets upset with me for some reason, but then sourly tells Haymitch, "Peeta can lift one hundred pound bags of flour."

This thing must weigh less than one hundred pounds. I can't get away from it, but I'm stronger than it is. I dodge the knife once more, then pick the thing up and throw it against a crate. The thing lies there, having dropped the knife, then disappears completely. A buzzer sounds again. This time, a flashing green light shows in that same spot, and it says, "Simulation 2: PASS".

In Simulation 3, I still stand in the same spot, I haven't moved. All of a sudden, Katniss comes out of one of the doors of a building in the alleyway.

"Katniss?" I ask. She says nothing, and continues walking towards me.

"Katniss?" I say, still nothing.

Then a she stops, and another man, just some random stranger, walks out from behind a crate and puts a gun to her head. I look around and realize that I don't have a gun. I look around for any other options, any, at all, but find none.

I am at a loss. How can I save her? I don't know. I can't take the gun from him, he'd pull the trigger if I made a move to take it. I can't hurt him in anyway, I've got no weapon. If I could even get that close to him. Then a countdown shows up, 10...9...8...

Oh God, what do I do? What do I do?

_Let him shoot her. You already thought she was dead anyway._

NO! She's done nothing!

_So? You don't feel anything anymore, for anyone. It wouldn't matter who stood there right now. It wouldn't affect you in the least._

3...2...1...

Out of nowhere, I launch myself at them, and the shot rings out as I'm falling to the ground. When I get up again, I desperately search for her and the stranger, but I don't see them. Then they appear. Flickering, two-dimensional. Holographs.

I think back to just before I made the decision to jump to push her out of the way. They didn't look right, the images. It didn't look like them, but I was caught up in the suspense of the moment, and I was caught up in the panic to see clearly. I'd let my emotions take over my logic. Which is a good thing, since I didn't think I had any emotion strong enough to override my logical thinking. But it's a bad thing, too, because the buzzer sounds, and the flashing red light lets me know that I failed again.

Out of the simulation, Boggs asks me if I'd like my results explained. I think I get the most of it, but I ask him to explain anyway.

"You've got a fear of drowning, so we flooded the simulation."

Yeah, Got that.

"You've got a fear of not being talented with anything, so we sent a dummy with a knife while you were unarmed."

Yes. Obviously.

"You're afraid of losing your friends and family, so we sent a holographic image of someone you know, in danger."

Uh, yeah.

"All simulations were based on one thing."

Oh?

"Your fatal flaw, Peeta, is that you underestimate yourself."

Oh, I see now. I piece together the simulations. In the first one, I was so caught up in panic that I let myself go under, completely ignoring that I had any chance of surviving, until the last minute. But last minute decisions don't always work out.

In the second simulation, I passed because I figured out that I was strong enough to win even though I had no weapon. In simulation 3, I failed because I underestimated my logic. My ability to see clearly. Panic and Fear took it's place.

And there is no room for panic or fear in a battlefield.

"So overall I failed miserably?" I ask.

And in a good story, or in a movie, or in one of those fairy tales my grandmother used to tell me, Boggs would tell me that I passed. And it would be because I sacrificed myself for another, or because I figured out what to do with the dummy. Or because of my ability to stay calm while drowning. But that's not how things work in the real world.

"Yup. Failed miserably. Better get used to that compartment."

Well, no harm done. I expected as much.

What I did not expect, was for Coin to be waiting for me in my compartment- next to my packed bags.


	20. The Push

"Peeta, got your test results."

"Yeah," I say, confused out of my mind. "I failed…right?"

"Oh, yes, horribly. You weren't ready at all."

"Then…what's going on?"

"You're going to the Capitol anyway."

I'm not sure whether to be upset or afraid or happy.

"But.." but before I can ask, she answers me.

"Well I've decided that you're much more valuable to the war effort there, on camera, than you are here. You won't be in too much danger. You'll be a part of the "Star Squad."

"The what?"

"Star squad. Meaning you'll be a part of a team that does more acting than fighting."

"Then, what's the point?" She laughs.

"The point, is that the Capitol citizens will see you all fighting on camera, live broadcast. Like I said, it'll give us that little push we need."

"Who else…"

"Katniss, Gale, Finnick, Boggs, Jackson, who is Boggs second in command, two sisters, both named Leeg- don't ask me why, Mitchell and Homes, two excellent marksmans."

"What if I…lose control?" I am assuming that she knows about my flashbacks. Most people here have seen me flip out at least once. I'm not sure how news travels in 13, but if it's anything like the Capitol, she knows.

"Well, you'll have Boggs there. He'll keep a watchful eye on you. But, it probably wouldn't be the worst thing in the world for you to lose control."

"What?"

"Yes, considering. People fight best when acting out of anger. Just..when you're there, let it flow. Don't attempt to restrict it. In a lot of cases, especially in the Hunger Games, anger has kept people alive…" She smiles, and before leaving, she tells me to check my arm first thing in the morning.

I eat with Haymitch, who tells me that he doesn't think it's a good idea, but that I don't really have an option when it comes to Coin. He also mentions that he doesn't trust her. I elect to leave out the information about anger saving people's lives…I don't want to remind Haymitch of anything from his Games, because then he'll go to drink.

I suppose Coin is right though, about the anger. I always feel the strongest when I'm upset or angry. When my fists clench and I grit my teeth, and my heart seems to beat fast for no reason. I feel the adrenaline when that happens, and adrenaline can work magic in a war, I'm sure.

On the way over to the Capitol, I decide that when in combat, I'll do my best to listen to that advice. It may just keep me alive. Katniss and Finnick sure as hell won't be keeping me alive this time.

Before exiting the hovercraft, a man stamps the numbers "451" on the back of my hand. I'm dressed in my camouflage suit, and I sling my gun over my shoulder, stepping out.

The camp is massive. Tents everywhere, but the one I'm looking for isn't too far away. The one for squad 451. Their looks don't bother me, the way they used to. I'm used to being looked at like I'm some type of monster or freak or disease or something. But Boggs immediately tells them he's going to make a call. And based on the fact that he shared the same expression the rest of them do, I know who he's calling.

"It won't matter," I tell them. "The president assigned me herself. She decided the propos needed some heating up."


	21. The Setback

**A/N: In my version of Catching Fire, I mention that Peeta's birthday is in November, and Katniss' is in July. I just now remember that her birthday is May 8. So from here on out, it's May 8. Sorry for the confusion. **Gale looks as if he wants to kill me. The rest of the troops look scared of me. Katniss is just mad. I set my bag down and she inches closer to Gale. If I wanted to kill her, she'd be dead already. Scooting over towards Gale isn't going to help her very much, it's just going to annoy me.

Boggs comes back from calling Coin, and just as I'd expected, she told him she wanted me here. I don't really see what the big deal is anyway. I may not have finished my training but I'm sure I can be of some help. I'm stronger than some of these soldiers anyway. Why are they so upset? There's power in numbers, right? They should be happy I'm here, they've got another reinforcement.

"I want a round the clock watch on him," Boggs says to Jackson, his second in command.

"The blond one?"

"Peeta." I correct her, but she seems to ignore me. Boggs nods his head. "Twenty-four hours. Two people in case one falls asleep. We can't afford an…accident."

Great how they speak of me like I can't hear them.

_Do you really expect anything else? They've brought you back here knowing the memories you have here, knowing that you'll probably die._

I wanted to come back here. And dying doesn't sound so bad.

_They could at least make it less obvious how much they hate you._

Yeah. But why would they? I mean nothing to them. I'm here for me, not for them.

Boggs takes Katniss off to the side, leaving Gale watching me start to set up my tent.

He won't take his eyes off me. He watches my every move. "Aren't you going to offer to help?" I ask him, hoping he'll get the hint and stop staring.

"Do you need it?"

"No. But it'd be better than you staring at me for no reason."

He laughs sarcastically, but still doesn't turn his gaze. After a few more minutes, I grow tired of it and I snap at him.

"I'm not going to hurt anyone! So why don't you just leave me alone and deal with your own problems?"

"Watch it Peeta."

I sigh angrily. "Look, if I wanted her dead she'd be dead."

"You certainly tried."

The guilt I feel now sickens me. I just look away, knowing that I'd lost this battle.

Finnick comes over to us, and gives Gale a look. "Cut him a break, he hasn't done anything since he's been here."

Gale, seeing that Finnick is right next to me, gets up and walks away, towards Katniss, who is returning with Boggs. "He's just worried about…"

"I know."

"You can't catch a break, huh? Being back in the Capitol? You okay?"

"So far. But the only thing I've done is set up my tent and try not to look around me for triggers."

"Triggers?"

"Triggers for my flashbacks."

"Ah. I know what you mean. Here," he says, handing me a rope.

"It helps. I don't have flashbacks, but it helps me stay in reality when my mind replays bad memories."

"Thanks," I say, cautiously. "You sure I should have this?" I ask sarcastically, noting that everyone here still thinks I'm a killer. "What you gonna do with it? It's only two feet long," he says, smiling.

I tie a knot with him there, and then pull each side of the rope so the knot slides shut tight.

"Pretty good. You could pass for someone from district 4."

"You gonna go back there?"

"You mean when this is all over?"

I nod.

"Maybe. It'd depend on Annie. She seems to be doing better in 13. Nothing there to trigger her flashbacks."

Oh, yeah. She gets them too. I remember her putting her hands over her ears, the way I do when I hear the high pitched frequency that nearly shatters my eardrums every time I get that headache inducing flashback.

"You?"

"What?"

"You going back to 12?"

"Not sure. There's nothing left for me in 12. But there isn't really anything left for me anywhere. So I don't know."

Finnick looks away then. "They take so much away from us. The Capitol. It's amazing how we lasted so long."

I just shrug, sitting in the doorway of my tent now. Finnick sees Katniss walking over to me and he nods his head towards her and raises his eyebrows at me, urging me to talk to her. But I've got nothing to say to her. If she wants to talk to me she can, but I doubt she wants to. She hates me.

She stops to talk to Jackson, who is sitting on a small chair holding her gun in her lap. Part of my tent falls so I get up to fix it and try to look busy while I listen to them.

Katniss asks her to put her in the rotation. The one that's in charge of watching me. She tells her that she didn't put her in the rotation at all and that leads an angry Katniss to then say, "Why not?"

"I'm not sure you could really shoot Peeta, if it came down to it."

This makes me smile. The fact that she couldn't shoot me. I feel a temporary sense of relief and happiness in my chest, and maybe something else. Like the reciprocating feeling that if I were in danger of her, I wouldn't be able to shoot her either.

But it doesn't last long. She says, quite loudly, "I wouldn't be shooting Peeta. He's gone. Johanna's right. It'd be just like shooting another one of the Capitol's mutts."

Johanna's involved in this? She called me a Capitol mutt?

_You can't trust ANYBODY!_

I guess not. I go into my tent and zip it shut, shutting myself away from the rest of the world.

I hear through the tent that Katniss is on rotation midnight to four, at the request of Boggs.

Am I too far gone to be worth saving? Of course, I don't expect to be saved. I expect to die here, just like I did every other time I arrived in the Capitol. But for some reason I never do. I can't count how many times I should have been dead but lived.

Still, am I too far gone to be the old Peeta again? I hadn't thought so but, the overwhelming opinion on this squad seems to be just that.

_I am not Peeta. I am a Capitol-created mutt. I am useless. Worthless. Untrustworthy. Dead._

Everyone leaves me alone until dinner. I feel sadness for the first time since I left the Capitol. And I'd forgotten what it felt like to feel my eyes tear. I hold them back, though. I don't need anyone coming and checking up on me. I need to be here alone.

I didn't think I was holding onto the thought of her and I anymore at all. Deep down though, I guess I was, because her giving up on me has affected me way more than it should have if I didn't have any kind of feelings for her.

I have no family left. My only friends think I'm too far gone to be saved. The only person I could hold onto has given up on me. What will be left for me when this is over?

Dying in the Capitol for the rebellion, for the future safety and prosperity for the districts is the only way I can think of to redeem myself so that when I do die, I'd be remembered for fighting the Capitol. Not for all the other wrong I've done since I left it.

_You'll always be remembered for trying to kill the mocking jay. Don't kid yourself._

I hadn't noticed, but in the time I spent thinking about my life it got dark. Then a figure comes up to my tent, with a flashlight. It's Boggs.

"You okay kid?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"Listen uh, could you sleep outside by the heaters and some of the other troops?"

I think about asking "Why?" but I know the reason. He doesn't trust me. No one does.

_She gave up on you. They all did._

It doesn't get easier the more I think about it. It gets worse.

Lying here in the dark, Boggs on watch duty, I look over at Katniss and Gale sleeping. They're both lying side to side and Gale tosses his arm over her, and she, in her sleep, rolls over out of his reach. Then he turns over in his sleep and faces the other direction. I don't know why I'm so fixated on them, so I look around the camp.

It must be at least a few square miles. At least a couple thousand rebel soldiers. Our squad only makes up a short amount. We're near the streets that the rebels plan on advancing into once they get the okay from command. We're on the front lines. Kind of pointless since Coin said we'd just be actors anyway.

Since I stepped out of the hovercraft earlier today, I've been relieved that the area we're in doesn't trigger any flashbacks. It's a grassy area, on the outskirts of the Capitol streets. Nothing to familiar to me. But I'm afraid that once command gives the okay and we move forward, that will all change. I don't know myself completely. I've been getting better, that I know. But what if the closer and closer I get to Snow's Mansion and the prison, the more unpredictable I become?

It takes an incredible amount of concentration to focus on the real memories and not the fake ones. The fake ones come back to me so often. And when they do, it takes an incredible amount of self control not to act on them. When I'm trying to fight off the flashbacks, my focus is on stopping them. If I have to do it more and more the closer we get, will that take away from my ability to think rationally?

I must drift off a few times, because as it closes in on midnight, I feel well rested, though I don't remember sleeping. I sit up, still in my sleeping bag and I mess with the rope that Finnick gave to me. It helps to keep the arguing with myself away. And I don't want anyone to think of another reason to hate me, by seeing me argue out loud with myself.

Katniss wakes up for her watch. I don't know why she even wants to watch me. She doesn't have to. She could have been sleeping and have someone else deal with me. Why would she want to?

_Because she doesn't trust you. No one does._

Gee, thanks. As if I didn't know that.

Did I say that out loud? No reactions, good. I focus harder on the rope.

While tinkering with the rope, though, a memory comes back to me. Katniss and I are in the arena and she's telling Rue she has no feelings for me and that it won't be hard to kill me. Shortly before she drops the tracker jacker on me.

This is the memory that comes so easily to me. But there's another hidden further back. In that one, the careers and I chase her up a tree, and she drops the nest on us while we sleep.

In both memories, she tries to kill me.

She isn't saying anything, but looks desperate to break the silence that's between us, so I speak up. "These last couple of years must have been exhausting for you. Trying to decide whether to kill me or not. Back and forth. Back and forth."

She scowls but the look doesn't last long. "I never wanted to kill you. Except when I thought you were helping the careers kill me. After that, I always thought of you as…an ally."

An ally? Is that all I was?

Considering she saved my life and I saved hers in that cave in the video I saw, I guess you could call us allies. What about friends? Lovers? Enemies? I seem to find memories in my mind to fit all of these labels and more. "Friend. Lover. Victor. Enemy. Fiancee. Target. Mutt. Neighbor. Tribute. Hunter. Ally. I'll add it to the list of words I use to try to figure you out. The problem is, I can't always tell what's real anymore, and what's made up."

When she doesn't respond, I search her eyes for clues but get nothing. Finnick is the one to respond to me. "Then you should ask, Peeta. That's what Annie does."

_But I'm not Annie._

"Ask who? Who can I trust?"

_Certainly no one here. And they don't trust me either._

"Well, us for starters," Jackson says. "We're your squad."

Well, for starters, I barely know you, Jackson. That's what I should say. But instead, I say, "You're my guards."

What I actually said makes more sense. How can I trust people guarding me? Controlling me? Isn't that what Snow did to me?

"That too, but you saved a lot of lives in 13. It's not the kind of thing you forget."

It's the kind of the thing that _I_ forget, apparently. "I did?"

Katniss answers. "Your information on the bombing of thirteen gave us all enough time to get out. Prim…she was late to get underground. If you hadn't given us advanced warning, she…" Katniss stops herself.

And I get a flashback.

I'm in the room with the map again, talking on camera about the damage to the districts this war has caused. I remember the two sides of myself fighting about whether to tell Katniss that she could be dead by morning, or not to…

Then without thinking, my mouth blurts out the warning, giving 13 the information beforehand. Then Snow backhanded me, forcing me to the ground where I watched the blood from my upper lip and nose pool on the ground, the cameras still on.

When I come out of the flashback, I see Katniss in front of me, a fair distance away, but looking worried. "You…" She starts to say, but I just shake my head. I try to catch my breathe, and I close my eyes, putting my head down. I wouldn't know where to start to explain this to her. And I don't feel like trying.

The next three hours go by in complete silence, until it gets close to four. I see the way the green camo is illuminated in the light of the heater. Green. Such a pretty color green, too.

Someone's favorite color is green. I remember someone telling me their favorite color was green. I look first, to Katniss, pulling blades of grass out of the earth and then blowing them out of the palm of her hand.

"Your favorite color, it's green?" I ask her. I expect her to say no. Because if I had to guess, I'd say her favorite color would be gray, like the color of the sky when dawn breaks and dusk falls, or the color of her eyes, or the color of the mocking jay. But she says yes. "That's right. And yours is..orange."

It is? I don't seem to remember my favorite color. Snow wouldn't take that from me, there wouldn't be a point. But everything so pleasant to me is pushed so far back into my subconscious that hearing that I like orange is news to me. "Orange?"

"Not bright orange. But soft. Like the sunset."

I close my eyes and imagine it, the sunset.

Then I see Katniss swimming in the water in district 4 on the victory tour. I wonder if this memory is fake or real, but I decide that it's not important because it's a pleasant memory. The color of the sky while she swam on that day…it was a soft, but glowing orange.

Her dress on the tour in one of the other districts was also a soft orange, with autumn leaves embroidered on it, and it matched her face, her face seemed to glow to match the dress.

Glow…

_Pregnancy. _

Was it real? Was it not? Doctor Hersch and I covered it in the early days of my therapy..but it's still foggy.

Finnick telling me to ask replays in my mind, but I can't ask a question like this with so many people in earshot. Especially Gale. What trouble that would cause. So I keep it to myself, pledging myself that before I die here in the Capitol, I'll get the answers to the questions most important to me from Katniss herself.

I open my eyes now, and she's still watching me, waiting for some kind of confirmation that I remember. "Thank you."

She smiles and begins to turn her head, but then she stops and thinks about something. Without making eye contact for some reason, she says, "You're a painter, you're a baker, you like to sleep with the windows open…"

I like to sleep with the windows open? Does this answer my previous question? How would she know that if she didn't sleep with me in the same room? It doesn't confirm what I think to be true, but it's possible.

She goes on, "You never take sugar in your tea. And you always double knot your shoelaces."

At this last sentence, I look at my shoes. Double knotted. I look at the rope in my hand, double knotted. How does she know these things? Does she really pay that much attention?

But she says nothing else, and I can't ask anything else, because then she goes back into her tent like she never said anything at all.

I must have fallen asleep, because the last thing I remember is lying down and looking at the opening to her tent, hoping she'd come back out so I'd have a few more questions answered. But she never did.

I wake up to the sound of the Leeg girl. She says, "Wake up Peeta, we have a game for you."

It takes me awhile to fully wake up and sit up in my sleeping bag, but once I do, I find that everyone there, except for Katniss, Gale, and Finnick, are sitting around me in a circle.

"What's this?"

"It's called, Real or not real," Leeg says, "It was Jackson's idea."

Jackson nods and smiles. "Basically," Jackson says, "You ask us a question, about anything that bothers you. And we'll tell you if it's real or not real. It may help sort out some of your confusion."

I look around once more for Gale, Finnick, and Katniss. Most of my questions revolve around either myself or Katniss. So without the people that know me better, I'll only get superficial, basic details about things. But it's better than nothing, and they're all so eager to play this game.

_They're probably just bored of sitting here, waiting for command._

"Sure," I say.

"My name is Peeta and I'm eighteen."

"Real."

This, obviously, doesn't require an explanation.

"I'm from District 12"

"Real."

For a few minutes, the game consists of real basic things that the entire country probably knows about me. My birthday, my district, my father's profession, my skill in the games. Those things.

It doesn't start getting more in depth until Finnick, Gale, and Katniss are visible in the distance, heading back towards us. I continue asking my questions when they get to camp, and Boggs explains the game to Katniss while she watches me, curiously. Her arms crossed in front of her.

After the group answers my questions, I look at her, and she either shakes her head no or nods her head yes, confirming what they say.

I ask about the fire in district 12, and about the fate of my family. Most of the things I already knew but just wasn't sure about. What I didn't know, was that it was the Capitol who bombed District 12, not Katniss, not 13.

It is revealed to me that the Capitol destroyed my district the same way and for the same reason it "Destroyed' 13- which was to send a message to the rebels.

Didn't work.

I get another flashback.

This time, I'm in Snow's study, shortly after being reconstructed after coming out of the second games. It's here that Snow tells me that an army of rebels from 13 took only a few select citizens from 12 before blowing it to bits. He tells me I have only myself and Katniss, "Or what we made her into" to blame.

I remove my palms from my ears after the headache leaves me, but the ringing in them still lingers. I shake my head violently from side to side, and it fades, but is still there.

"I think we'd better stop for now," Jackson says, and Boggs nods his head.

"Later on, it might be beneficial for Peeta to have someone that can answer his more personal questions. So for tonight's watch, Boggs with Gale, and Leeg with Finnick for the middle shift. And for the last shift, I'll stay up with Katniss." Jackson says. Everyone seems to agree.

Maybe now I can get some things cleared up.


	22. The Questions

**A/N: Thanks to everyone for the 100+ reviews! Also thanks to Carla, and everyone else who brought up mistakes I've made. Once I'm finished with Mockingjay, I'm going to go through all three stories and edit them, fixing the mistakes I've made. I love the books, but no matter how many times you read a book, there's still a few things you'll miss. Thanks to all of you for the extra pairs of eyes. Much 3**

"You're not my favorite person in the world," Gale tells me, "But for what's it's worth, you didn't deserve any of what they did to you."

I'm sure the appropriate response would be "Thanks," but I end up saying, "No, I didn't."

Gale avoids making eye contact with me. We both sit about three feet apart, he's got his knees folded up to his chest, his arms around them. I'm sitting cross legged, picking at the grass. It's silent for awhile, mostly because it's awkward to see Gale now after everything having to do with Katniss. Besides, he isn't saying anything either; Jackson may have intended for him to help me, but I probably wouldn't want to help me either if I was him. But a short time later, he tells me, "I can probably answer a lot of your questions…if you want. Just, you know, avoid Katniss. I don't know much about the two of you and I don't really want to."

As if she would really be the topic I'd choose to talk about with _him. _But I appreciate his willing to help. I really should take all the help that I can get right about now.

"I wouldn't even know where to start."

"Just ask a question and see where it takes you."

"How old are you?"

"Twenty."

"You are? Thought you were our age."

"Nope. The year the two of you went to the arena, I was eighteen."

"Do you have family?"

"Yeah. My mom, two brothers and my sister."

"What about your dad?"

He winces and I immediately regret asking.

_Why? You think he cares what happened to your family? At least he still has part of his._

"Uh.. He passed away. In the mine explosion."

The same one that killed Katniss' dad.

"Is that why you learned to hunt?"

"Yeah. She and I, we're similar in that way. We had to support our families by taking on the role of the sole provider."

_Is that a jab at you? The fact that he has more in common with her than you do?_

Calm down, I don't think that's what he meant.

_Of course it is!_

"You're…good with snares, right?"

"Yes," and his voice is lighter, must be pleased I remembered. "Actually, last year, before the second Games, I taught you and Katniss and Haymitch how to set snares."

"Oh, yeah, I remember. Just vaguely though. Was I any good at it?"

"For a beginner, you were very good."

"What else did you help me with? Or help us with?"

He seems to think back for a moment. "Just that. Wish I could have been of more help. But you had things down pretty well if you ask me."

"How so?"

"When you heard the announcement, you had your mind set on Katniss and Haymitch coming back, no matter what it took. You had rigorous training schedules set up and you made the two of them take it very seriously. Obviously, it paid off."

"I had my mind set on Katniss and Haymitch coming back?"

He scratches the back of his head. "Yeah.."

"And myself?"

"I assumed you were planning to do the same thing you did in the first games…." He looks at me pleadingly, hoping he doesn't have to clarify.

"When I did all I could to protect her, and accepted that I would be the one to not come home."

He nods.

"Why would I do something like that?"

He seems surprised that I asked. "Well..you…you love her. Or loved her, I'm not sure which."

"Neither am I."

"We didn't talk much, but it was something you said while I was teaching you all to set snares…"

I look at him, waiting for him to continue.

"You said, 'she'll come back, you know.'"

"Well, I must have been pretty confident."

"Then you told me, that when she does come back, to take care of her, and I promised you that I would."

I smile, because I remember this now. Perfectly clearly. Sitting in the meadow with Gale, Katniss going off to find a wandering Haymitch. This short conversation with Gale before we went to the arena for the second time.

"What was it like?" He asks me.

"The Capitol?" I'm hoping. He nods.

"There's… not really any words. You just keep praying that you'll wake up, but you don't. Then you just keep praying for it to end, to die, but you don't."

He doesn't have a response, but I don't expect one. What could he possibly say that'd make it better anyway?

"She still loves you, you know."

That might work.

_Don't believe it. You heard her. She said you were dead and gone. She said the person you are now isn't Peeta. She hates you._

Maybe there's a small part of her that still believes I can come back?

_If you believe that, you've learned nothing this entire time. Never expect anything, expectation leads to disappointment._

"District 12, it was still closed off…after the Games?"

"Yes, it still would be now if it weren't for the bombing."

Gale doesn't know what to do when I get my flashback. As I crouch lower to the ground, pressing my head with my hands, groaning in pain, he stands straight up and looks to Boggs. "What should I do?"

"Just let it subside."

He says, something else, but the headache is so intense now I don't catch it.

The worst of it is over after a few minutes, and I sit back down the way I was, same distance from Gale, who looks worried but afraid of me at the same time.

"The bombing.." I say, trying to regain my breath, "Whose fault was it?"

_Yours. For trusting Katniss._

_District 13, for bombing it._

_And Katniss, for giving the command to do so._

"The Capitol…The Capitol, of course, Peeta. The Capitol is responsible for all of this hell we're in."

_LIAR!_

Force yourself to calm down. Unclench your fists. Breathe slow. In. Out. In. Out. Close your eyes.

I force myself into a relaxed state until the flashback is completely gone and I can think somewhat rationally again.

"Why?"

"Because of the districts rebelling…you and Katniss were unable to stop them so Snow punished the entire district."

"So it is our fault…"

"No, Peeta. It's not. This is why we're here," Boggs adds. "This is why we're fighting. Their unfair ways, they kill innocent people. Kill the many to punish the few. It's tyrannical government that's at fault here, not you, and certainly not her," he says, pointing to Katniss, who's sleeping.

I had more questions, but Gale and Boggs look tired and I know their shifts end soon, so instead, I just lie back and look up at the stars, until I feel myself drift off.

When I wake, judging by the position of the moon, Finnick's shift is half-over. I sit up and rub my eyes. "How long was I out?"

"Three hours. Good morning sunshine." He says, with a mischievous smile. I smile back, out of courtesy, nothing more.

He hopes off the chair he sits on and plops down next to me. He lies back and puts his hands behind his head, and crosses his tanned legs in the air. "So, game time?"

I'm assuming he means, "Real or not real?"

"Katniss tried to kill me in the first games."

"Real, kind of. Only once, and it was only because she thought you were trying to kill her."

"She tried to kill me in the second games."

He pauses. "Haven't you been over this with your doctor? They told me they showed you the tapes."

"Yeah..but my mind…I don't know. Being here I guess, I'm confused. It's like I have two separate sets of memories. I can't tell them apart right now."

"Well, not real. She didn't try to kill you at all in the second games. In fact, she did everything she could to save you."

"She blew out the force field in the arena."

"Real. That's when we were rescued."

"You tried to kill me."

"Not real, knucklehead. Did you forget I brought you back from the dead?" He jokes.

"You shouldn't have done that."

I only half-mean that. But that half is still frightening. Finnick sits up and tells me that I Shouldn't say things like that. "Nothing will ever get better for you if you keep fixating on negatives. Trust me, I know."

"Sorry, I know I'm not the only victim."

Then the conversation moves on from there.

I ask him about his district, mostly because I'm curious. I get a few details straightened out about the girl from his district that I met and kind of befriended in the first games. I ask him a few things about Annie, being careful to avoid sounding the way I did in the lunchroom a few weeks back…

Before I know it, it's midnight and Katniss is waking up to cover Finnick, who groggily goes back to sleep.

Jackson is supposed to be on watch with her, but I think she wants us to be able to speak in private, because she sits slightly farther away from us than I figured she would. She doesn't take her eyes off us though.

_Because no one trusts you._

"Sleep well?" She asks me, trying to find anything to talk about to break the silence.

"Not really. You?"

She doesn't answer, she just shakes her head, and looks towards the Capitol streets that we're waiting for command to give us permission to advance on.

"You don't want me to be here, do you?" I say.

She doesn't look surprised by the question, and she says, "I never said that…"

"That's not an answer."

Why can she never give me straight answers?

_Because she doesn't think you're worth it._

"Why don't we talk about…home, or something…", she says. It looks like the last thing on her mind is talking to me. Like she has to force it. She keeps glancing towards the Capitol street that will pave the way for rebel victory, soon as we get the go.

"Where do people get the stuff they need?" I shake my head and try to avert the tears forming in my eyes. "I mean, where _did _they?"

"Some things were divided amongst the families from the Capitol. Food and soap rations."

"What if people ran out?"

"Then we had to find ways of getting those things ourselves. Pretty much everyone figured out how to, though. The Capitol never gave anyone enough."

"I remember…the kids in the seam…" I don't want to finish the sentence. I don't want to mention the starving kids digging through trash cans. But I don't have to because she nods and I know she gets it.

"Most people found something they were good at, like painting, or hunting, or…baking…finding ways to make extra money. The few merchants in town and the Peacekeepers could afford to buy things from the poorer people in town. Then they'd use that money to buy the things they needed at The Hob. Do you remember the Hob?"

"I remember seeing it up in flames."

_I remember seeing you kissing Gale at the Hob._

Wait, real or not real?

"Yes, well, before then, it was like a black market. Only, peacekeepers didn't mind it so much."

"Real or not real, you kissed Gale at the Hob?"

She glances at Gale and back at me. "Do you remember selling loaves of bread at the Hob? You and your brother would sometimes…"

I'm trying not to get frustrated.

"Katniss, real or not real?"

She bites her lip nervously. "I already told you that.."

"You know I wouldn't be able to remember if you did.."

"After the victory tour, in the mayor's mansion. We were at the top of the staircase, and you asked me if I kissed Gale. I told you that he kissed me, once. Yes, at the Hob."

I have a memory of her and Gale kissing in the Hob. But I also remember her telling me that at the top of that staircase. And I remember the staircase being the first time I heard about it. Which is correct?

"I remember you kissing him..It was raining and he kissed you. Then you kissed him back and told him 'you have my permission to do that again'."

"Not real. He kissed me. He said he had to do it at least once, and that was the end of it."

She looks around at every sleeping person in our squad. "So, do you remember selling the bread?" She asks me, desperate to change the subject apparently.

"Yes, Katniss, I remember selling the bread." I try to hide my agitation with her, but it comes out anyway, and she rolls her eyes and looks up at the sky for awhile.

The questions that I so desperately need to be answered are the ones she won't go near talking about. Just that last once made her incredibly uncomfortable, and that was just a kiss between she and Gale. How will she react when I tell her about the nights with her on the train? About the supposed pregnancy and supposed forced miscarraige that I'm still not too sure about?

It must be at least an hour before we speak again. Neither of us can bear the silence but she won't answer what I need to know. At least, not right now.

After awhile, I decide that having answers about superficial details in our lives is better than being completely confused about everything. So I decide to keep the topics light. It doesn't matter though, because trying to communicate is painful to me, and looks to be just as painful for her.

"You like cheese buns… real?"

"Real. I love cheese buns."

"Why?"

"I don't know. Always have. I guess because bread is…_was_ such a luxury. And cheese was even more of a luxury. Compared to pine needles and bitter roots, it's like an entire Capitol buffet."

"On the victory tour, in district 7...you had on a dress. What color was it?"

She exhales. "Um. I don't know. I didn't really pay that close attention. I think it was a deep green, since it was for District 7, lumber."

"Oh. Yeah, I think it was," I say, closing my eyes. I remember it now. In district 7 on the victory tour, the Capitol's camera crew filmed the two of us running through their vast forest, hand-in-hand.

The smell of pine filled the air. I wore a collared white shirt with a green vest and black pants. She wore a slightly snug fitting green dress, that went from her shoulders to just above her knees. She wore emerald earrings with it.

The faint glow of the sun shining down through the trees gave the dress a subtle shine, and when she turned, the gems in her earrings caught the sunlight and reflected. Her grey eyes looked slightly darker than normal, but probably because most light was shaded from us by the trees.

"Peeta?" she says, waving a hand in front of me. I shake my head.

"Sorry, just remembering."

"That's good," she says, having nothing else to say.

I keep thinking to myself why I just spent so long fixating on such a simple thing such as the color of a dress she wore. It may bring up a sore subject, so I steer clear of the autumn dress that I remember and favored so much.

"Tell me about when we were little. Did I know you very well?"

"Don't you know that?" She asks me, looking somewhat hurt.

"I remember seeing you when we were five. And the story my dad told me about your father and the birds. I remember you singing in the music assembly. I remember the bread, and I remember you picking the dandelion. I remember watching you time to time, to be sure you were still doing okay. But that's all. Is there more that I'm forgetting?"

She looks relieved when she says, "No, that was pretty much our life before the games."

"What was the name of the music teacher?"

"I can't remember. But I remember that our math teacher's name was Mr. Kole. I thought that was so funny when I was little. That his name was Mr. Kole."

"Because it sounds like coal? Our district trade?"

"Yeah," she says, half smiling. "I don't see what's so amusing about it now, though."

"Well, you've grown up."

"So have you."

We share eye contact for I don't know, maybe a second, at the most. But then we both seem to jerk our heads in the other direction at the same time.

It's darker, suggesting it's very early morning. Just before dawn. Jackson walks over after speaking to someone on a walkie talkie. "News from the Capitol," she says, "Coin's unhappy with the material we've got on film."

"Well what would she like us to do about that," Katniss says, not hiding sarcasm.

"Heat it up. There's a residential city block not to far from here that's not being occupied. It has a few active traps, but those can be easily navigated. The audience won't be able to tell the difference."

"You want us to…secure, a secure city block…" Katniss says, with even more spite thrown in. "Seems kind of ridiculous."

Jackson puts her hands on her hips. "Well, unless you'd like to heat things up romantically, mocking jay, you'd better go get your sleep so that you can secure that secure city block tomorrow."

Katniss doesn't protest this time, she walks straight back over to her sleeping back and is out within minutes. Jackson taps me on the head with her pen. "You too."

The last thing I remember is looking at the camera crew, who woke up early to start setting up. One of them is an Avox. I can tell by the way he swallows.


	23. The Flip

I guess I became unaware of what is socially acceptable when I brought up the Avox thing after everyone had woken up. I found out his name is Pollux. I asked him if he was an avox, because of the way he swallowed. Then I made the mistake of telling everyone about the brutal murders of Avoxes Darius and Lavinia. I told them about the blood, the stray fingers and toes they cut off of Darius while he was slowly bleeding to death on the floor, next to the already dead Lavinia.

When I finished talking, Cressida, the main camera girl, threw up. The rest of the crew, and the star squad, looked at me with wide eyes and dropped jaws. Why are they so shocked? Unless..it didn't happen…

But, it must have, because the memory, actually _looks_ like a memory. Nothing shiny about it. I ask them if it's real or not real, and Boggs tells me that to the best of his knowledge, it's real. Then I tell them, "I thought so. There's nothing shiny about it."

We walk for awhile, on streets that have already been destroyed and/or abandoned. We walk through streets of bullet shells, broken glass, and blood, until we reach our destination.

When Boggs stops, the rest of us know to gather around him to look at the map of the block on his HOLO- some kind of device that displays holographic maps. It reminds me of the holograph of Katniss being shot back in 13, for my fear simulation. But I shake it out of my mind and force myself to pay attention.

I memorize the facts. There is a gunfire trigger a third of the way up the street. Another trap is a net, at the far end of the street. I'm waiting for further instructions, because though I know where these traps are, I don't know how to disengage them. It seems like everyone else is way ahead of me though, because while I'm awaiting further instructions, everyone else volunteers.

Cressida calls "Action!" And I follow suit as the rest of the star squad moves forward cautiously. I see everyone else blowing out windows with their gunfire, for the cameras. I realize that the camera is on me sometimes, but my gun is loaded with blanks, according to Boggs. So I time my shots the same time the guy in front of me does, so it looks like I'm hitting the windows too when it's actually just him.

I'm surprised that I instinctively know what to do when Gale shoots a pod and triggers stray gunfire. Everyone dives behind abandoned rocks or crates or buildings. I find a large crate of some sort and duck behind it until I can no longer hear the pop of bullets firing at us. One pod taken care of.

Boggs begins to load his Holo, to look at where we should be stepping, careful to avoid any undetected traps, I'm guessing. But it's too late, because he steps back and then there's an explosion so loud it could only mean something bad.

The explosion, thankfully, doesn't trigger a flashback, but it doesn't matter anyway, because there's nothing that I can do to help here. Boggs' legs are gone and he's already losing color from the loss of blood. We all gather around him, and then he transfers the holo into Katniss' hands, making her leader. Though I don't think she completely understands what he just did. Jackson is supposed to be second in command, but she's too busy trying to call for medics from back at the camp to notice the holo thing.

"Forward!" I hear, faintly. "FORWARD!" Loud and clear now. I look back at Finnick, shouting and pointing to something behind him, back where our camp is. A liquid, black substance fills the streets and heads straight towards us. There's nowhere for it to naturally come from, so it must be a trap. And if it's a trap, then it's a deadly one.

Katniss tries to drag Boggs to safety. At least, that's what it looks like at first. Then she begins to gag because of the smell of the black stuff, and I get a flashback..

_I stand in the bathroom of our training center rooms on the twelfth floor, two months after finding out she was pregnant. She's gagging, then throwing up and I'm concerned as to what's wrong. I ask her but she tells me to leave. That's when I see the bottle on the floor. I pick it up and observe it carefully. Then the word pops out at me. MERCURY. Enough will kill an unborn child but not an adult. I demand to know what she's just done to our child, and she tells me, with no emotion at all, that she's fixing the problem. Taking care of it. Getting rid of it._

_Now watching this girl that killed an innocent child, for no reason, drag this poor dying man, dragging out his pain, enrages me. My vision is foggy and somewhere I know I'm not thinking completely clearly, but then Boggs groans in pain and I realize that she is torturing him, maybe even killing him faster. _

_I have to save this man. THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T TRUST ANYONE!_

Deep inside myself, I feel a sense of horror but can't bring it to the surface and stop myself from what my body is about to do.

_I take the mutt's armor and yank her backwards, throwing her against the wall. She slumps down on the ground and I'm prepared to bash in her head with the barrel of my gun, but then just as I smack the pavement with the gun, she rolls over and someone else tackles me. _

The sudden shock of my gun hitting the ground snaps me out of my flashback- the most sure, violent one I've had yet. It didn't replay a memory and then subside the way it normally does. This time, it was like I was living in reality, but inside the memory. In the world of the memory I flashed back to. But then it comes back.

_Snow backhands me, and prepares to kick me after I revealed to district 13 that the bombs were coming. I position myself to embrace the impact, but then before Snow can kick me, I push him backward, and I watch him get sucked into a trap, a net who encases his body, and then wire spikes pop out of it, piercing him and creating blood flow from thousands of open wounds now all over him. _

As he bleeds to death, my mind slowly clears the fog. My vision clears and Snow morphs into a soldier, until the only person I see in that net is Mitchell, another squad member, a squad member that I have just killed.

_You killed Snow! You did it! Now get to the mutt!_

No! Stop yourself! Breathe Peeta! You killed Mitchell. You KILLED him. You tried to kill Katniss. Not a mutt, Katniss.

_Don't be fooled Peeta! Don't be fooled the way you were in the Capitol!_

Peeta, look at her, it's Katniss. You know her. She was trying to get him to safety.

_She was torturing him!_

"AHHHHHHHHHH!" I scream, loud as I can, while pressing my palms to my ears again.

The fighting in my head won't stop. One second, I'm in this reality, the next second, I'm in a whole other reality. I have no idea what's going on! I can't think! I can't breathe! I can't see or focus, all I can see is the black stuff getting nearer and nearer, and I don't move, partly because I don't know if it's really there or not, and partly because I don't care. Let it take me.

I'm vaguely aware of some other people restraining me. At first I put up a fight, not knowing where I am or who I am or who these people are, and not knowing if they're trying to harm me or not. Then eventually I writhe and jerk myself back and forth in a panic, because now there's someone else putting me in cuffs. Is it Snow? He tried to tie my hands plenty of times.

I get another flashback and the pain comes back. Except my hands are cuffed, so I can't cover my ears. I didn't think it helped before, but now that they aren't there, I seriously feel like my brain is just going to explode out my ears. There's a high pitched, high frequency, very loud sound coming into both of them, and I don't know if that's real or not. But I don't know if anything is right now. For all I know, I could be dead and just think I'm jerking back and forth, trying to fight my restrainers, in the most intense pain I've felt in awhile.

I force myself to try to calm down enough to figure out what's going on and where I am. I get my breathing to slow but I'm still in an incredible amount of pain, and I try to force myself to think of my last clear memory, but it doesn't come to me. This is the worst flashback I've had so far, as now while I'm in it, I have a complete memory wipe.

My restrainers put me in a dark room. I thrash my legs out, kicking something, I'm not sure what, maybe a door? I don't know. But I am alone in here, and it's dark, and it's quiet. And that's exactly what I need.

It takes awhile, but slowly, I come out of the flashback. My vision gets clearer and clearer, and while it does, my memory comes back more and more. The pain and headache subsides and I realize what's going on. I tried to kill Katniss. Then I succeeded in killing Mitchell when he tried to get me away from her. Two guys and Jackson restrained me, put cuffs on me, and put me here in this closet.

I hear voices on the other side of the door, but I don't know who they belong to because they're too quiet. I can only hope it's peacekeepers coming to kill me, and that the others left me behind. They should leave me behind.

How could I do that? Again? After I thought I was doing so much better? I knew that being here in the Capitol was a major setback, but it must be the combined factors of not being completely well, being in the Capitol, and the sights of death and explosions and poison.

It distorted all my reality. Even though I had no control over myself while doing those things, I still did them. I tried to kill her. I killed him. I am solely responsible, and I hope they leave me here to die.

I don't know if I'm tired, or stressed, or having a mental breakdown, but the headache comes back and so does the foggy vision. Only, it's not the same as it was before. It's dull. It's drowsy, and before I know it, my eyes are closing and my body is giving up. I feel all my muscles relax as I exhale and fall into a deep sleep.

When I wake up, I'm draped across a blue sofa in an abandoned Capitol apartment with what's left of our star squad in the room, watching a Capitol broadcast. I only catch the end of it, but apparently they sent peacekeepers to the house were were just at-I recognize that we've move-and just declared us all dead.

Holmes says, "Finally, a bit of luck."

Gale pipes up and says, "So, now that we're dead what's our next move?"

Everyone looks at Katniss, who is currently in control, based on the fact that she has the attention of the squad members and the holo.

Well, the next move should be to kill me. I know what she came here to do. I know what they all came here to do. To kill Snow, to end this war. But if I can't handle an explosion and some poison, how can I handle getting past all these other obstacles on the way to the Capitol, to kill Snow? I'd just slow them down, at the very least. And there's always a chance that there won't even be any of them left, at the rate I'm going. I already killed one and tried to kill another-the face of the war, no less.

Now, I am thinking more rationally than I was before, now that my mind knocked me out and had some time to piece itself back together. Now, in reality, lying across this sofa, I know that Katniss will not be able to kill me. Gale and Finnick might not even be able to kill me. But I'm sure someone here can. And someone here _has _to.

"Isn't it obvious," I say. Everyone's eyes are on me now. "Our next move…is to kill me."

I expect someone to stand up and shoot me. No one does. Are these people crazy?

"Don't be ridiculous," says Jackson.

Uh, ridiculous? Ridiculous? "I just killed a member of our squad!"

Letting me live, and endanger the rest of them, including the one who is supposed to end the war, now _that_ would be ridiculous.

"You pushed him off you. You didn't know he would trigger the net at that exact spot." Finnick, says, in a soothing voice. It's not working.

"Who cares? He's dead, isn't he?" I don't want to let the tears fall down my face. But what's the point? Why bother? I let them flow freely, and I say, "I don't know. I haven't seen myself like that before. Katniss is right. I'm the monster. I'm the mutt," I say, remembering what she said the first day I arrived in this camp. About the real me being gone, "I'm the one Snow has turned into a weapon!"

As much as I hate him, he knows what he is doing. Making me believe the whole time, that Katniss is the enemy. When it's really me.

Finnick, once again, tells me that it isn't my fault.

Everybody here knows it's my fault. Why they don't just admit it, kill me, and move on, is beyond me.

"You can't take me with you," I say, directing this at Katniss, who looks at me with a pained expression. She's probably deciding the best way to tell me she's leaving me behind to spare what's left of my heart. But I don't care. Nothing she could say could make me feel any worse right now.

Now, I direct my attention at everyone. "It's only a matter of time before I kill someone else. Maybe you think it's kinder to just dump me somewhere. Let me take my chances. But that's the same thing as handing me over to the Capitol. Do you think you'd be doing me a favor by sending me back to Snow?"

Katniss' eyes are closed, deep in thought. I force myself to take my attention from her to Gale. Gale will be able to make this decision rationally. Even if he can't physically put the bullet through my head himself, he can make the call for someone else to.

"I'll kill you before that happens," He tells me, "I promise."

Well, promises mean nothing to me. For all I know, Gale could end up tortured in the Capitol with me.

"It's no good. What if you're not there to do it? I want one of those poison pills like the rest of you have."

I am referring, of course, to night lock. They think I didn't see them slip the little purple pills into their suits?

"It's not about you," Katniss tells me, "We're on a mission. And you're necessary to it." She tries to say this with the least amount of emotion she can, so that I'll think she made this decision based on fact and not feeling. But that won't work.

I start to protest, but she interrupts when she asks the group if they think we can find food here. Then half of them sit around me, guns ready, watching me to make sure I don't do something crazy. Good. If they don't kill me, they should watch me. Constantly. I don't want any more blood on my hands. Although it's probably inevitable.

We find a cupboard of food stashed, which shocks the soldiers from 13 because in their district, hoarding food is illegal. They start talking about it but I'm not listening because I'm focused on a way to get them to kill me or at least give me a night lock pill.

They're passing around cans, and eventually a can of lamb stew ends up in my hands. Lamb Stew.

I remember that this is Katniss' favorite dish from the Capitol. I pass it to her, saying, "here."

She hesitates at first, not knowing what I'm handing to her. But she looks down and reads the label on the can and takes it. She seems to study it for a second or two, and then thanks me and smiles when she sees it even has dried plums.

Then I remember the cave. Us being romantic was our way of getting food from sponsors. In that cave on that rainy day after she kissed me, the second time, we got a picnic basket that contained lamb stew.

I eat a can of potato soup, and I'm the first one done. I want another can, but I don't want to be greedy. It's not like I plan on living long anyway. The potato soup will suit me just fine.

The room beeps and everyone looks expectantly at the television. I'm assuming this beep means a broadcast, then, but I wouldn't know for sure as I missed the first half of the last broadcast.

Snow comes on the screen and I force myself to look away, fearing a flashback. I still hear him, though. Thankfully, no flashback comes, but I still don't allow myself to look at the screen.

The bad news is that he went on a rampage on screen saying all kinds of horrible things about the rebels and, mostly Katniss. The good news is that he thinks she's dead, along with the rest of us. So he won't know we're…I mean, he won't know _they're _coming. I don't plan on getting that far.

President Coin comes on screen, so the rebels in 13 must have interfered somehow. Coin seems to believe that she's dead too, but praised her for her sacrifice, for giving the people of Panem the courage to stand up to the government of Panem, to the Capitol, and "turn a nation of slaves into a nation of freedom fighters."

Katniss makes a joke by saying, "I had no idea how much I meant to her," to which most of them laugh, but I don't get it. Her words were full of sarcasm. Does Coin not like Katniss? I wouldn't know.

Then Snow's back on and I turn my head away again. He says they'll pull her dead body out of the ashes tomorrow morning. So we've got to get into hiding then. Because when he finds no body, he'll know that she is alive and has a plan.


	24. The Awakening

Katniss, Jackson, Finnick, and Gale talk strategy about how to get through the increasing number of pods as they inch closer to the Capitol. No one thinks to include me, which is fine because I'd be of no help anyway.

Then Katniss admits to them that the plan was never for them to go along with her, and I suddenly realize why she kept looking at the Capitol street when talking to me. She had originally planned to go alone. Then I'm somewhat glad for the way things turned out, had she gone alone, she might not be here now.

Everyone admits to her that they knew all along, and they discuss all their options, and decide on going underground. There's a series of tunnels leading to the center of the Capitol, and to Snow's mansion. When they get ready to go, I decide to issue an ultimatum.

I sit on the sofa now, refusing to get up. "Peeta, come on, we have to leave now," Finnick says.

"I'm not going. I'll either disclose your position or hurt someone else."

"Snow's people will find you," he protests.

"Then leave me a pill, I'll only take it if I have to."

"That's not an option, come along." Jackson commands.

What's she going to do if I say no?

"What are you going to do? Shoot me?

It's my life and this decision is up to me, not them.

"We'll knock you out and drag you with us," Holmes says. "Which will both slow us down and endanger us."

"Stop being noble! I don't care if I die!" I shout at them. And it's true. I made peace with my death the minute I saw Katniss walk up on that stage, two and a half years ago. Before the first games. I try to plead with her now, hoping she'll just leave me here. "Katniss, please. Don't you see I want to be out of this?"

I can't tell what she's thinking. This time her eyes give me no clue. Then she says, "We're wasting time, are you coming voluntarily or do we knock you out?"

I don't know what else to do, so I just bury my face in my hands. Once again, I have no option.

Finally, accepting my defeat, I stand up and am ready to walk.

"Should we free his hands?" Leeg asks.

"No!" I shout, sounding more desperate than I had wanted to. I pull the cuffs close to my body. These cuffs might keep me sane. They might be the only thing keeping me from killing anyone else later on.

Katniss agrees, and tells her no. But says she wants the key to the cuffs. Jackson passes the key over to Katniss, who puts it in her pocket.

We go single file down a maintenance shaft and end up at a ladder that will take us to the tunnels below the city. Castor mentions, "My brother worked down here after he became an Avox," meaning Pollux. "Of course. Who else would they get to maintain these dank, evil-smelling passages mined with pods? Took five years before we were able to buy his way up to ground level. Didn't see the sun once."

Everyone looks down, not knowing what to say, but even though this is a horrible thing to have gone through, it will help us out now a whole lot. So I turn to Pollux and tell him, "Well, then you just became our most valuable asset." Pollux smiles and Castor laughs.

It feels good, bringing joy to people. Even if it was unintentional and only lasted a second. It gives me warm memories.

Gale and Jackson march on either side of me, I keep my face looking towards the ground, just in case I get a flashback of some sort. The water pipes…they might trigger a flashback of door number 4 from Snow's mansion.

It becomes clear that Pollux knows exactly what he's doing. By three in the morning, we've come a long way. Everyone is so tired, and needs to rest. We really don't have time to rest regardless of the amount of progress we've made, but no one can go much further without stopping. I'm exhausted too, so I'm glad for the break, although apprehensive.

I try to sleep, and I probably doze off a few times, but I can't fall into a deep sleep. I haven't been able to since I got here. Around six, I wake up, and overhear Jackson telling Katniss it's her watch. I fall back asleep but awaken a short time later, and Katniss and I exchange a quick glance. "Have you eaten?" She asks me.

I shake my head slightly. She opens a can of chicken and rice soup and hands it to me. How she trusts me to take the can and not try to kill her, I don't know. Bravest thing I've seen in awhile. Or dumbest, to trust me like that.

I practically drink the soup to ease the gnawing pain in my stomach. When I'm done, she asked me what I meant when I said "There was nothing shiny about it."

My memory. "Oh, I don't know how to explain it. In the beginning, everything was just complete confusion. Now, I can sort certain things out. I think there's a pattern emerging. The memories they altered with the tracker jacker venom have this strange quality about them. Like they're too intense or the images aren't stable. You remember what it was like when you were stung?" I ask her, remembering her getting stung in the first arena.

"Trees shattered. There were giant colored butterflies. I fell in a pit of orange bubbles," and at that, I couldn't help but laugh at how funny it is, and ridiculous. A pit of orange bubbles. This is the first time I've laughed in…I don't even know how long.

"Shiny orange bubbles." She says, and she gives me a warm smile, but then looks down at the ground.

"Right. But nothing about Darius or Lavinia was like that. I don't think they'd given me any venom yet."

Of course, I can't say for sure.

"Well, that's good, isn't it?" She asks me, "if you can separate the two, then you can figure out what's true."

If only it were that easy. It still takes a huge amount of focus and concentration to even make a guess at some. Some memories are harder to sort out or retrieve than others.

"Yes, and if I could grow wings, I could fly. Only people can't grow wings. Real or not real?"

"Real. But people don't need wings to survive."

I get the feeling she's speaking metaphorically and we're not really talking about wings anymore. "People don't need wings to survive." Maybe she's saying I can come back, and even if I'm not the same, I can still be happy. Or maybe I'm reading into things too much like I normally do, or maybe I'm just overly tired and she really is still talking about wings.

"Mockingjay's do," I tell her. And I wish I could be the wings that she needs. But I can't.

"There's still time, you should sleep," she tells me.

I try to. I lie down, trying to make myself fall asleep by watching a dial tick back and forth on one of the water pressure machines down here. Katniss pushes a wave of hair off my forehead with the back of her hand.

I tense up, afraid of my reaction will be. I remember Snow backhanding me, but surprisingly, this time, no flashback comes with it. Then I'm afraid I'll react badly, but I don't. I end up enjoying the touch, and I feel happy. Just before I fall asleep, I ask her, "You're still trying to protect me. Real or not real?"

"Real. Because that's what you and I do. We protect each other."

I know that's what we used to do. But are the two of us still capable of it? After the trauma we've been through? I find myself thinking about it, about getting back to that, as my eyes become heavy and once again I sleep.

When I wake up, there's an arrow pointed at my head. Why?

_She was going to kill you in her sleep!_

There has to be a rational explanation..

_NO! You did nothing and she's prepared to kill you!_

Then I hear it, the slow, raspy sound of her name, echoing through the under ground tunnels. It sounds as though snakes are saying it…_katnissss…katnissss…._

"Katniss!" I say, sitting straight up, because I recognize this sound. I don't know where I recognize it from, but I know I do.

"Katniss!" I shout again, "Get out of here!"

"Why? What's making that sound?"

"I don't know, only that it has to kill you. Run! Get out! Go!"

She recommends that the group split up. Of course Gale won't leave her side, but the rest of them hesitate too, being her guard and all.

"Finnick," she says, "Give one of your guns to Castor." Finnick does as she asks, but is still armed with another gun and his trident.

"Load Peeta's gun," she directs, at who, I don't know.

Everyone hesitates.

"You're going to trust me with bullets?" I ask her.

"We're going to give your gun to Pollux." She says.

Of course she doesn't trust me. I'm saddened, but I don't blame her. I wouldn't either.

How will I be protected? Maybe it's best that I'm not.

_Always trying to kill you!_

Close your eyes. Take a breath. In, out, in, out. I repeat to myself until I grab hold of reality.

When I calm down, I open my eyes and Katniss and Gale have only their bows. They gave their guns to Messalla and Cressida, the camera crew.

How nice, the only one with no weapon is me. I don't have time to dwell on it though, because we're running. No doubt those things, probably mutts, are faster than we are.

After about three blocks, everyone stops at the sounds of blood-curdling screams.

"Avoxes." I say, without thinking. I recognize the sound, from hearing Darius and Lavinia being murdered. The mutts must have found the Avox workers down here.

They're getting closer. Everyone looks at me for an explanation. "That's what Darius sounded like when they tortured him."

"The mutts must have found them," Says Cressida.

"So they're not just after Katniss," Leeg adds.

No, they're after Katniss. They'll just kill whatever, or whoever, gets in their way.

Gale has the same idea. "They'll probably kill anyone. It's just that they won't stop until they get to her."

Well, we need to make sure that doesn't happen.

"Let me go on alone," She suggests, "lead them off. I'll transfer the Holo to Jackson, the rest of you can finish the mission."

The rest of us? What does that mean? She's going to _willingly _let them find her? They'll kill her!

_Would you rather them kill you, you idiot?_

Yes!

Thank God Jackson tells her that no one will agree to let her do that.

Finnick says something but I'm focused on the sounds of the mutts. Closer, then closer still.

"_Katniss."_ The sound is eerily close now.

We start to sprint, but Katniss stops and starts gagging and coughing. She's in front of the rest of us, so Jackson assumes it's poison and orders us to put on our masks.

We take our masks off when we get to an area known as "The Transfer". We're still running, and Katniss dodges and shoots to deactivate pods left and right.

But Messalla gets caught in one. She freezes, and almost takes off back to help, but I stop her. "Can't help him!" Staying here would only mean we put ourselves in danger.

No one is moving, surely shocked by the loss of Messalla, but I push them forward. "Can't!"

We cross an intersection to hear gunfire. Out of instinct, I get down and cover my head.

Katniss looks around her, like she's looking for a pod. I try to shout to her to get down, but she can't hear me over the sounds of the gunfire. She finally realizes they are peacekeepers, about the same time the rest of us do.

I can't do anything except stand here and try to not get shot. But it's okay, because the six original soldiers knock them down one by one until only a few remain.

But that's just the start of things.

More pour out through a tunnel in one of the side streets connected to the intersection, and that's when I realize that these are no peacekeepers, they're mutts.

I close my eyes and try the best to block any and all sound from my ears. I can't afford for a flashback to trigger now. Everyone is so focused on trying to not get shot by mutts and protect Katniss at the same time, that no one would notice if I came up behind her to kill her or hurt her in some way. I have to keep any flashback at bay. I have to be calm and rational.

Thank goodness the mutts triggered a pod. The blast of the explosion from the pod kills the remaining mutts. Then Katniss triggers another pod that should make it close to impossible for any more mutts to come after us. But those things could surprise anyone.

We have to dodge other obstacles, on our way aboveground. Walking carefully on a slippery ledge, across a narrow bridge, through a tiny pipe, and to a ladder that Pollux points to with a smile.

This is our way out.

Only, what could be waiting for us aboveground, when there are this many dangers underground?

The thought frightens me but there's no other options. Up we go.

I didn't notice until Katniss says, "Wait! Where's Jackson and Leeg?"

Holmes tells her they stayed back at the meat grinder, the last pod she triggered to keep the mutts from following us. They stayed to hold them back. There's no hope for them now. It seems wrong to go on even more so now, that we've lost three soldiers in the last twenty or so minutes, but the mutts get to the ledge and bridge we just crossed, so we all know that we have to move on. And fast.

Gale uses an arrow and shoots the bridge, it falling into the biohazard sewer below. The things…that look like large reptiles but…crossed with peacekeepers and snakes….they throw themselves into it anyway, hell bent on killing Katniss, and anyone else near her.

But they can't jump across. At least not yet. But I'd rather not stick around and see what happens. "Katniss!" I yell to her, "We have to go now! NOW!" I say, as do the rest of us, trying to get her up the ladder.

But she's not listening. She's focused on destroying every last one of them, shooting them dozens of times, watching them die, eyes wide in fear, shaking. Finally Pollux climbs up and then lifts her up, and she finally wakes up and climbs the ladder, leaving me and Cressida below.

She helps me up from above, then Cressida. But we aren't out of the woods yet. We've only reached a platform. We have to swing over onto a second ladder. Finnick slips and I try to catch him, but then my focus is thrown off by the image of Holmes being torn apart by a mutt that has managed to jump across the length of the bridge that's fallen.

Finnick is desperate to hang on, but he's fallen so far that I can't get to him in time. Katniss pulls me and Cressida up the second ladder into the outside air, then triggers the Holo to self-destruct, throwing it towards the mutts, desperately trying to give Finnick a quicker death than being torn apart by mutts, the way Cato was two and a half years ago.

"We can't stop here," Katniss says, looking down, expressionless. It takes me awhile to piece together what happened. Two more of us died. All that's left are Gale and Katniss, me and Cressida, and Pollux, who slams the cover over the pipe, sealing off the sewer below.

Finnick can't die, he can't. This isn't how things are supposed to happen. I have to remind myself again that this is reality. And in the moment that the shock lifts and grief and frustration and madness settle in, I lose my will to live entirely.

I slump back against the wall, closing my eyes and wishing death on myself. I'm not injured, but maybe my mind is so far gone that it will just shut down. I don't know. I feel the beginnings of a flashback, and I pray that this is the last one I'll ever see:

In this flashback, I watch people die. First Kyra, the girl from 4 in the first games. Then Cato. Followed by Mags, Wiress, Gloss, Cashmere, and Brutus. My mind scrolls down a mental list of every death I've had the misfortune to witness. Darius and Lavinia were some of the worst, and it all ended with Finnick. Finnick, who deserved nothing more than to live a happy life with Annie, who he had _finally _just gotten back.

When it's over, I can't help but think of how unfair it is and that the Capitol has to pay for all they've done. Snow has to pay. I'm slow, and I'm unpredictable.

As I look down at my shaking hands I feel an evil presence inside me, that Snow and the Capitol created. I feel a monster just waiting for someone to trust me enough to take off these handcuffs. A monster who would jump at the chance to kill anyone, just like those mutts did. I AM a Capitol mutt. My life is over anyway, so when Katniss kneels down in front of me, calling my name, trying to call me out of the darkness, I tell her, "Leave me. I can't hang on."

"Yes, you can!" She says. Though only a day ago, she flat out told Jackson that she gave up on me. That I wasn't Peeta anymore. That he was dead. So this version of him should be too.

What reason does she have to keep me on this mission if I'm just some mutt? Some fucked up Capitol version of the Peeta she once knew? "I'm losing it. I'll go mad, like them."

The last thing I want to do is kill her. The me that tried twice to kill her…it was that thing, that evil presence inside of myself that I can't get rid of no matter what I try and do.

I knew she wouldn't leave me. Something inside me told me she wouldn't. But I didn't know that she'd kiss me.

This kiss lasted, maybe fifteen seconds at the most. But somehow in that fifteen seconds, everything changed.

When it first happened, I don't think I knew what was going on. All that registered in my mind was that someone was touching me, and I became afraid. Because since my time in the Capitol, whenever someone touched me, I was hurt, either right then or shortly afterward. My body shook and part of me wanted to protect myself, to react. The other part of me fought it, needing this to work.

Once I realized what was going on, I had a sudden memory of every kiss I'd shared with her. The first one, when she was trying to get me to eat, after healing my near dead body that she found on the riverbank. The second, in the cave after we fought. The ones on the victory tour and on camera..the one on the beach…the last real one I remember was that one on the beach. That was the one that meant the most. I remember the way I felt that night, when we kissed on the beach in the second arena. The electricity, the fire in my blood that somehow felt good, the fear of the time we'd have to stop.

And all of a sudden, 13 years of being in love with this girl kissing me, all feelings I ever had for her that got pushed down inside to the point of near extinction, came flooding back. I finally remember being in love, and what it felt like, because it exists within me now. That feeling is with me now. She pulls back and looks me in the eyes. I'm struggling to come back to her, to avoid going into the madness of the flashbacks and the death wishes. To stay with her here. But it's hard, because I know that we can't stay here. We have to push on. And I may die. She may die. She grabs my wrists with her hands. I feel the very comforting, and familiar electric pulse running from my wrists, to my heart and back. "Don't let them take you away from me."

And although I haven't yet to see a happy ending in my eighteen years of life, that tiny flicker of hope that somehow was never put out by the Capitol exists. And that tiny flame that burns inside my heart, connecting she and I, that I thought would never return, burns brighter than ever.

At the same time I'm feeling all this, the other part of me, the darkness that I can't seem to rid myself of, repeats to me that I can't trust anyone. It shows me images of her trying to kill me, that, deep down, I know aren't real.

When that doesn't work, it shows me images of me trying to kill her. Telling me that I'll never have a normal life again, that she'd be better off without me, that I should just die here and now.

But I'm fighting it, desperately, wanting so badly to hold onto the hope, the fire, the electricity, the desire to be here. To be alive.

What she told me replays in my head as I struggle to remain in reality…

"Don't let them take you away from me."

"No," I say, still trying to push the monster inside me away, "I don't want to…"

"Stay with me." She says.

And then I remember the first time she asked me that:

She'd gone out into the woods, and the peacekeepers must have suspected something, because they waited for her, at her house, in the company of her family, and Haymitch, and myself. When she got home, she successfully fooled them, but after they left she revealed to her mother that she hurt her ankle. Her mother wrapped it for her, and I carried her up to her bed. She was drowsy, and I was about to leave. But then she said, "Don't go yet, not until I fall asleep."

Of course I agreed to stay. She took the back of my hand and moved it against her cheek as she whispered "Stay with me." And my reply was, "Always."

So now, sitting here slumped against this wall in the Capitol, fighting the madness, darkness, monsters and demons inside me, when she asks me to stay with her, my response is, "Always."


	25. The Choice

Her warm smile is comforting. And it's enough to push back the darkness in me, at least for now. She helps me up, but she can't stay focused on me right now, or we're all in danger. She's got to lead us. She's got to kill Snow and end this war.

We climb one more ladder, and now we're above ground, but we're in some woman's apartment. I have to do a double take when I see her shoot a woman through the chest.

"Wha…" I start to say, there's no time.

She asks the rest of us how long we think we've got before we need to move on. At the very most, five minutes, is my answer. Gale tells her they could be here anytime, which is also true.

Katniss slowly walks over to a window and peeks through the blinds, observing. "What do you see?" I ask. "Peacekeepers? Mutts?" Cressida adds on.

"No," She replies, "Just, people."

"How many?" Gale asks her.

"Well, there's no way to get by them without being noticed. That many." She says.

She looks at Cressida and waves her over. Cressida takes a peek out the window. "Okay, I know where we are."

That's good, because there's no more Holo.

"We're…not far. Close to the mansion."

I'm deeply afraid that the closer we get, the harder it will be to keep calm and remain in reality. Especially the _sight_ of his mansion. How on earth can I look at it and not descend deep into madness, to the point where it'd be impossible to come back out?

By remembering the feeling, the one I get when Katniss kisses me. Love. Holding onto that, might be enough to keep insanity away.

I didn't see it happen, but suddenly I notice that Gale has a wound in his neck, and the blood doesn't stop. "Katniss," I say, remembering how she always seems to know exactly what to do. "Gale..his neck." I say.

She looks and becomes alarmed.

It makes me nauseous, and I think I feel a flashback starting to form, so I do everything I can to make sure that doesn't happen. I sit on the couch inside the apartment, and grab a nearby pillow. I clamp down on it with my teeth, and tense all my muscles, while trying to remember the feeling.

"I'm fine. It's not that bad. I'm still standing, aren't I?"

I think that's a jab at me, but I might just be being paranoid.

Katniss looks around her, and then I notice Cressida. She looks pale. Fatigued. As does Pollux. I could use a breather too. But I don't see an opportunity for one.

"Let's check her closets," she says, though I'm not sure why.

Then I realize that whatever I did to avoid the flashback…it worked. I still had the symptoms of it, headache, nausea, hyperventilation, but I didn't actually Flash back to some point. But I don't have time to revel in this.

I understand the plan now. We have to blend in. That's why she holds Capitol clothing in her arms, for me to wear, while reaching for the key to unlock my handcuffs. How can she do that? Trust me like that? I don't trust myself, so I tell her, quickly, frantically, "No. Don't, they hold me together."

She glances at my wrists that are now bloody, because I have to use so much pressure to keep myself from going temporarily insane. Gale tells me I might need my hands. Yeah, I probably do. But no way in hell I'm taking these off. Or letting them take these handcuffs off.

"When I feel myself slipping, I dig my wrists into them, and the pain helps me focus." Well, that's part of it. I don't mention the other part of it. Gale doesn't want to hear it.

We all dress, and Pollux helps me put the Capitol clothing over mine. Then he helps me put on a brown wig, and Cressida wraps a scarf around my nose and mouth. Even though everyone in the nation knows my face and Katniss' no one should be able to recognize us with scarfs covering half our faces, and in my brown wig and her fire-red one.

When everyone is disguised as hastily and best as possible for the amount of time we have, Katniss leads us to the door and instructs us to stay together, before opening it.

I must admit I'm paranoid that everyone here recognizes me, and I have to keep reminding myself that there's almost no way, unless someone got real close, or unless the wind blew off my wig, which doesn't seem likely.

We get by a few hoards of Peacekeepers, who breeze right past us as we try to blend in with the hundreds of other Capitol citizens. But each time, there's at least one or two that looks at us suspiciously. They may look at everyone that way, or I may just be being paranoid again. Nevertheless, Katniss seems to feel it too. She asks Cressida if she knows of anywhere safe to hide.

She tells us she's trying.

Things become more urgent when a Capitol broadcast plays on large television screens on different blocks. They say that our bodies weren't recovered, and they show pictures of our faces. Katniss asks her again, this time, with more emphasis on it.

"Cressida?"

"There's one place," she says. "It's not ideal, but we can try it."

I really don't want to try it. Not ideal means, what, exactly?

But I guess it's better than walking around waiting for someone to notice a familiar look or movement from us. Now, everyone will be watching for us, knowing we're amongst them, somewhere. And if one of us accidentally says a _name? _We're screwed.

We end up in a small but well taken care of shopping district. Cressida starts speaking with much gusto and in a Capitol accent, something about the furs being much cheaper here than on the avenues. She does it really well. I don't think anyone in the shopping district suspects us when we walk into the store that sells these furs.

And then, in the store, we push our way through several different-and weird looking- furs until we run into a tiger. Or, a woman who looks like one, named Tigris. How appropriate.

She has her face pulled back, I'm assuming to look younger? And it's tattoed with black and yellow stripes. Why someone would do something like that I have no idea…

But that's not the most important thing on my mind.

The most important thing on my mind is, Can we trust this woman?

Automatically I think no. But there's no going back now, because Cressida reveals herself and tells Tigris that we need help. Not like the decision would be up to me anyway.

"Plutarch said you could be trusted," Cressida tells her.

Well, Plutarch can't be trusted in my opinion. But again, no one has asked me. I just stand here, unwilling to remove my scarf and wig just yet.

She recognizes Cressida from somewhere, that's obvious, but she looks like she may have trouble placing her. And the rest of us. Which is good, it means we're disguised well. When Katniss reveals who she is, Tigris immediately knows who she is. Her eyes grow wide, she looks afraid. But that's gone quickly and she gives a frustrated growl to Cressida as if to say, "Why did you pull me into this mess?"

After seeing Katniss, she has no trouble placing the rest of us. She quickly looks around our little group and immediately notices me, I can tell by how she looks at me.

She leads us back to a back room, pushes aside some furs, and slides open a hidden door. Inside it, there's a stairwell leading down to a dark, but very well hidden basement.

When we get to the bottom, I know that this might just be it. Either this woman isn't trustworthy and we've got roughly ten minutes of life left, or she is, and this is our final resting place. Either way, we won't be here for long.

"Did Snow ban you from the Games?" Katniss asks Tigris. I look at her again and she does look familiar. But she wasn't a tribute. Stylist, maybe?

"Because I'm going to kill him, you know." Katniss adds.

I want to pull her away from Tigris and demand to know if she's the one that's crazy.

But then Tigris smiles.

We all get to the bottom, hear the hidden door shut, and hear the clothing rack cover it. We can finally rest.

Gale looks very weak, so he's first priority. We all find some old, damaged furs lying around in this old storeroom we now reside in, and I help Pollux and Cressida lie some on the floor, while Katniss helps Gale lie on his back. She elevates his head for him.

Katniss cleans Gale's wound, but it won't stop bleeding no matter how much she tries. I watch her use a first aid kit to make stitches for him. She hates doing it, it's clear, just like she hated trying to bring me back to life on that riverbank. She's not a "healer," she says, but if I'm sick or injured, there's no one else I'd want to take care of me. Of course, she is successful using the supplies that she found in a first aid kit down here, and it will work. His bleeding stops. "You can rest now, it's safe here."

Gale smiles and his eyes close. His breathing slows immediately, signaling that he's already in a deep sleep.

"Time for you," she says, standing up and walking towards me. I'm sitting with my back to the wall. She sits in front of me and puts the first aid kit beside her. "Now, let's see those wrists."

Reluctantly, I hold my hands out. Then I relax. I don't think there's anything here to trigger a flashback. If there is, I can pull my hands back before I do anything stupid. And if I don't let her take care of the cuts on my wrists, I could get blood poisoning.

She cleans my wrists up, and tells me, "You've got to keep them clean, otherwise the infection could spread and…"

I remember lying in the cave. When she saved me for the first time. I was close to dead and by some miracle I didn't die. Because she knew exactly what to do, and also because she risked her life to save mine. Why would she do that and then try to kill me in the second Games? More proof that her trying to kill me is fake.

"I know what blood poisoning is, Katniss." I say. It's the same thing I said two and a half years ago, in that very cave.

"You said that very thing to me in the first Hunger Games, real or not real?" She says, quizzing me, I guess.

"Real. And you risked your life getting the medicine that saved me?"

"Real, You were the reason I was alive to do it."

"Was I?" I ask. And I can't remember. It's frustrating. I know the answer is on the tapes, but I don't have access to those now. I remember being willing to die so she could win the games, but I don't remember specifically saving her. I can only hope one day all my memories return to me.

"I'm so tired, Katniss." I say, feeling truly zapped of energy.

"Go to sleep."

"I can't. I don't…I don't trust myself."

"You won't hurt me in your sleep Peeta."

It still frightens me. "I wish I was never at risk to hurt you at all," I say, but she doesn't quite hear me.

"What?"

"You..you have to chain me up. Hook the handcuffs to the stair support or something."

"I'm not going to do that."

"You have to."

This goes on awhile and I finally convince her to do it.

Then I allow myself to finally sleep.

It's late afternoon the next day when I wake up. Everyone else has already woken up and is eating. Gale opens up a can of peas and hands it to me. It's hard with the handcuffs, but I can tilt it in my mouth just enough to not have to take off my handcuffs to eat.

Katniss looks apprehensive about something and then she announces that she's been hiding something. Everyone pays attention.

"Coin really didn't send me on this mission, I planned to steal the Holo a long time before, and to just go off and do this alone. When we found ourselves in that apartment after the poison on the street, I told you all that so I wouldn't have to go back."

She waits awhile, but I didn't know this was some sort of secret. I kinda figured all along. And I wasn't alone in that. "Katniss, we all knew you were lying about Coin sending you to assassinate Snow." Gale says.

"You knew, maybe, but the soldiers from thirteen didn't."

"Do you really think Jackson believed you had orders from Coin?" Cressida asks her, trying to hide a laugh.

I guess it is kinda funny. I haven't laughed at anything in awhile. But she's just such a bad liar that it's a funny situation.

Cressida continues, "Of course she didn't. But she trusted Boggs and he clearly wanted you to go on."

"I never even told Boggs what I planned to do," she says.

Gale tells her, "You told everyone in command! It was one of your conditions for being the Mockingjay. _I kill Snow", _he mimicks.

"But not like this. It's been a complete disaster."

Maybe. But if at the end of this, Snow is dead, then she succeeded, no matter how it happens.

Gale tells her he thinks it'd be considered a highly successful mission, being that we infiltrated an enemy camp, the city is looking for us, and we're getting closer. But he leaves out the loss of lives.

"Trust me, Plutarch's thrilled." Cressida adds.

"That's because Plutarch doesn't care who dies, as long as his Games are a success." Katniss snaps.

"All facts aside, look how close we are to the Capitol." Gale says.

"But look at the cost." She says.

Then Cressida says, "All wars have costs. Giving up and going home, that would have been a failure."

Gale adds to this, "Yeah, when you kill Snow and end this war, no death will have been in vain."

She nods, but looks like grief and guilt may be setting in.

It's quiet for awhile, but then she asks me my opinion.

My opinion? My opinion is that I have no idea how someone who's been through so much can still be so strong. To go on when everything seems so lost. The same girl who stepped up and did what she needed to to provide for her family when her father died. The girl who hates blood and pus and wounds, but will stitch someone up if he needs it. Or will risk her life to get medicine for someone she barely knows.

So my answer is, "I think…you still have no idea. The effect you can have."

I remember saying this to her, shortly after we arrived in the Capitol for the first Games. Then again, after the opening ceremonies for the second Games.

"None of the people we lost were idiots. They knew what they were doing. They followed you because they believed you really could kill Snow."

She pulls a map out and asks Cressida where we are, apparently eager to move on and finish this.

"We're five blocks from the President's mansion. Pods here are deactivated because there are so many residents and refugees from areas already rebel controlled. So those won't be a problem. Our disguises should be able to get us there unnoticed too. What _will _be a problem, is that the mansion is heavily guarded, as to be expected. I don't see a way in." Cressida tells her.

Gale responds with, "What we need is to get him out in the open. Then one of us could pick him off."

"Does he ever appear in public anymore?" I ask. That coward is probably sitting holed up in his study with round the clock guards.

"I don't think so, at least in all the recent speeches I've seen, he's been in the mansion. Even before the rebels got here. I imagine he became more vigilant after Finnick aired his crimes."

"I bet he'd come out for me," Katniss says. "If I were captured. He'd want that as public as possible. He'd want my execution on his front steps. Then Gale could shoot him from the audience."

No way is that happening. It's too risky.

"No." I say, shaking my head. "There are too many alternative endings to that plan. Snow might decide to keep you and torture information out of you. Or have you executed publicly without being present. Or kill you inside the mansion and display your body out front."

"Gale?" She asks.

"It seems like an extreme solution to jump to immediately. Maybe if all else fails. Let's keep thinking."

Tigris closes up and invites us up to eat. In the middle of it, a Capitol broadcast comes on and it looks like after some digging, they've narrowed the survivors down to the five of us. Down from how many? Jackson, Boggs, Mitchell, Holmes, Finnick, Leeg… Half.

Katniss is happy to announce that Coin probably doesn't know what to do with her now that she found out she's alive. I want to question it, but it seems like everyone else knows exactly what she's talking about so I stay quiet.

After we eat, we head back down to try to sleep again. While lying down, we all agree that we should split up when we proceed to the mansion. And we agree that Katniss will not offer herself up as bait, as it's too risky. Thankfully, she didn't protest. But that's also a little unnerving, because she tends to do what she wants to anyway.

I insist that Katniss cuff me back to the stair support, although it's unbearably uncomfortable. Still, I manage to sleep for a few hours at least.

When I wake up, everyone is sleeping but Gale. "Couldn't sleep?" I ask him.

"Just woke up awhile ago. The painkillers woke up and I can't sleep through the pain."

"Why don't you get more?"

"We're out. What's your story?"

I realize that I'm thirsty. I move my hands. "These things, and I'm a little thirsty."

"Well, I can at least get you some water. I'm up anyway, and..uh…not chained to a pole." He smiles.

"Thanks for the water," I tell him as he lies back down.

"No problem. I wake up ten times a night anyway."

Probably to check on her. On Katniss. I vaguely remember doing the same thing when we held onto each other sleeping those nights. I was always afraid I'd wake up and the other side of the bed would be empty. My arms would be cold.

"To make sure Katniss is still here?" I ask him, to which he replies, "Something like that."

"That was funny, what Tigris said, about not knowing what to do with her." I say.

"Well, WE never have."

He's right on that.

We both laugh. I've always known he was in love with her too, but I never really fixated on it. I remember the pain I feel when I think of her and him, and I know he must have felt the same kind of pain when she kissed me yesterday, before coming here. I feel a need to comfort him somehow. "She loves you, you know. She as good as told me after they whipped you." Okay, so she didn't tell me, but I could tell that seeing him in pain caused her pain too.

He rebukes quickly. "Don't believe it. The way she kissed you in the Quarter Quell…well, she never kissed me like that."

"It was just part of the show." I say, and although I don't completely believe that, I know that it was real, I'll always have doubts because of the Capitol. My doubts will never go away.

"No. You won her over. Gave up everything for her. Maybe that's the only way to convince her you love her. I should have volunteered to take your place in the Games. Protected her then."

"You couldn't" I tell him, "She'd never have forgiven you. You had to take care of her family. They matter more to her than her life."

And he knows this. He was the only one that could. There were things I Could do, sure, but not nearly as much as he could.

"Well," He goes on, "It won't be an issue much longer. I think it's unlikely all three of us will be alive at the end of the war. And if we are, I guess it's Katniss' problem. Who to choose. We should get some sleep," He says, yawning.

"Yeah. I wonder how she'll make up her mind."

"Oh. That I do know. Katniss will pick whoever she thinks she can't survive without."

That seems a little unfair. To say she'd pick someone based on ability to survive and not who she loves more. But, bad as it sounds, I find myself thinking the same thing. It's just second nature to her, to survive.

And if that's the case, she'll pick Gale. He's just as strong, taller, he's slightly older than I am. He's hunted before, he can hunt now if they need it. He's skilled at a lot of things. I'm just skilled at baking and painting. How would that keep she and I and any future children, should whoever she picks convince her to have some, alive? It won't. Gale could support her if she was no longer able to support herself. He can support her family. He has much more to offer her now than I ever will.

As I drift back off to sleep, I think about the future. As long as she's happy, I guess I'll be okay. No matter who she picks.

But it won't be me.


	26. The Split

Tigris prepares liver pate for us in the morning, with some fig cookies. I find it slightly humorous watching her eat the liver, looking like a tiger. It's probably not socially acceptable to find this funny but I'm just so thankful that I'm finally able to find something funny instead of thinking and acting like a Capitol zombie.

Anyway, we're eating at the crack of dawn because Tigris told us that there's rumors of new developments in the war and we're anxiously awaiting any kind of rebel break in on Capitol televisions. We're rewarded for waiting when we see Beetee's face on the tv in her shop.

"Hello, Panem. Rebel forces have used abandoned vehicles to disable pods on enemy streets, in an operation known as Black Wave, referencing the poison that took some of our soldiers just a few days ago. Thanks to Operation Black Wave, we've infiltrated much more of the Capitol, sending in troops on three different sides, A, B, and C."

Beetee goes on, but Gale tells us that it can't last long. Now that the Capitol knows what they've been doing and how they've advanced, they'll disable pods and trigger them manually.

Gale is proven right when it happens on screen and we all try to look away but find ourselves unable to.

When I see some potted rosebushes explode and kill close to twenty rebels, it reminds me of the games and so I say, "I bet it's killing Plutarch not to be in the control room on this one."

Beetee disappears and a Capitol reporter that I don't recognize looks somber, as she reads the blocks people are to evacuate. "Do to rebel advancement, all citizens living outside the first ten blocks of the Capitol are to evacuate. Please make your way to the City Square for reassignment. This includes blocks…" and she names them.

Katniss is the first to look out the window between the shutters when we hear movement outside.

She waves Gale over to look, but Cressida, Pollux, and I go over as well.

"Look at them all," She says.

Hundreds if not thousands of residents have already begun leaving their homes, carrying what belongings they could with them, holding onto the hands of small children. Some kids shivering, crying, asking questions. It makes me hate the rebels, but then I remember who they're fighting and I find myself conflicted again.

"We've got to get out there, this is the perfect opportunity," Katniss says.

"Wait," Tigris tells her. "I've got to head out today. I'll see if I can get any information. You don't want to be going out there without as much knowledge as possible."

She heads out the door before anyone can argue.

"She left a little too quickly in my opinion," Cressida says, eyeing the now-shut door suspiciously.

"Yeah, well, we'd best get back down to the cellar. It's not like we can go out there right now anyway. She'd see us and she might say something." Gale says.

"I have a feeling we'll be okay for a little while longer," I add. Tigris doesn't seem to like us very much, which is, actually, a good thing. If she seemed to enjoy having us here it'd be because she was trying to keep us here to report us. Having us here when she doesn't really like us shows that there's something to be gained for everybody by us staying here.

Katniss paces back and forth in the cellar no matter how much anyone tries to calm her down.

She keeps talking to herself out loud about how it's pointless to stay here and wait for absolutely nothing when there's tons of residents walking in the direction we have to go that would shield us well.

"New war developments are still pretty new, Katniss," Gale tells her, "People are looking for us non stop. Let things die down a little. We can leave tomorrow."

I think he may still be in a little bit of pain from his shoulder.

But when late afternoon rolls around and Tigris still hasn't returned, I become uneasy as well.

What if she had told a peacekeeper we were here? No, they'd be here to kill us or arrest us already.

What if she'd been taken by the Capitol? No, on what grounds would they do it?

But she comes back slightly after our suspicions began to make us question things.

"She's back," I say.

"Yeah, but I'd rather not play the waiting game again" Cressida says.

Katniss and Gale don't say anything.

I hear pans clanging and then thirty minutes later Tigris invites us up for potatoes and ham.

I try to pace myself but the food is so good that I'm the first one done.

"You have enough?" She asks me, even though I know there isn't any more.

"Yes, thank you, very much."

She nods, then begins to tell us how she got it, something about a Capitol merchant that wanted to get fur underwear for his wife or something, because fur is so valuable right now. Though she is talking more to Cressida than the rest of us, and Cressida nods and they remind me of my mother and her friends when they talk about the latest fashion trends and gossip.

I don't allow myself to think of my mother any more than that, or the rest of my family being gone. I make myself focus on what the conversation has drifted to, which is the amount of freezing refugees lining the streets.

"Oh really?" Cressida says.

"Yes. It's just terrible. Most people living in the rich part of the inner city won't open their homes to those out in the snow and sleet. Though some of them I've heard have five or six bedroom homes."

Cressida shakes her head. "You'd think they'd be happy for the company."

"Not when they're so paranoid of rebels dressed as Capitol citizens. Nevertheless, peacekeepers have been knocking on people's doors to assign them houseguests."

As if on cue, the television clicks on and a Head Peacekeeper tells the people watching that the President will open up his mansion to refugees and that he encourages everyone else to do the same. Which means he orders them to. Katniss and Gale look at each other when he mentions that shopkeepers may also be required to open up floor space.

Which means we can't stay here any longer, even if we wanted to.

"Tigris, that could be you," I say. But then the Head Peacekeeper shows an image of a boy on the television screen. "Earlier today, a group of frightened citizens beat to death a boy resembling that of wanted rebel Peeta Mellark. To avoid any of these unfortunate incidents in the future, all suspicious characters are to be reported to a peacekeeper, so that the person's proper identity can be confirmed and they can be dealt with appropriately."

The boy looks nothing like me. Which just goes to show how dangerous it is out there. People don't know what to do with themselves, they're so frightened.

"People have gone wild," Cressida says quietly. And she's right.

Later on, there's another rebel broadcast. The rebels have come farther in the last twenty four hours than they have the last week or so. It won't be long before they're in the heart of the city, Snow's mansion.

Katniss studies her map after watching which blocks rebels have taken over. "Line C is only four blocks from here," She says.

Katniss offers to wash the dishes and Tigris graciously accepts her offer. I know Katniss Is trying to be helpful but when she looks at Gale and he volunteers to help, I know it's because she wants to speak to him in private also.

Cressida remains on the top floor to talk to Tigris some more about goings-on in the Capitol. It's amazing how they speak as if nothing's happened. Eventually I become bored so I follow Pollux back down to the cellar and we end up playing a game using rocks and some chalk that Tigris keeps in her shop to update prices and things.

Maybe fifteen minutes after, Cressida comes down and joins us, but we don't play for very long when Katniss and Gale come down the stairs. They sit across from Pollux, Cressida, and I.

"Peeta," Gale says, calmly. "I think you know it's time for us to leave."

"Who?" I ask.

He looks at Katniss. "Peeta, there's just so many things that could go wrong with this plan, and…" She tries to say, but struggles.

"It's probably best if you stay here," Gale finally finishes.

I can't say I'm not hurt, that she doesn't need or even appreciate my help in this, but I understand why. I don't trust myself either. Getting closer to the Capitol has caused me to do things I'll never be able to forgive myself for. And I know for a fact that the closer I get, the more triggers there will be and the more flashbacks I will have. What if I'm unable to control myself?

"It probably would be." I say.

"You…agree?" Gale asks me, surprised.

"That I might put the other four of you in danger? Yes. But I'm not staying here. I'll go out alone."

"No," Katniss starts to say, but Cressida interrupts when she asks me why.

"I'm not sure exactly. The one thing that I might still be useful at is causing a diversion. You saw what happened to the man that looked like me."

"What if you…lose control?" Katniss asks me.

It bothers me that she wonders what will happen to someone else if I lose control rather than what could possibly happen to me, but I tell myself maybe I'm just taking it the wrong way.

"You mean…go mutt? Well, if I feel that coming on, I'll try to get back here."

Of course I don't really plan on getting back here if that happens, I'll just try to find a place to hide till it passes and continue on. Coming back here would be pointless, especially if Tigris is forced to free up her cellar for refugees. But it makes her feel better so I tell her that anyway.

"And if Snow gets you again? You don't even have a gun." Gale tells me.

"I'll just have to take my chances," I tell him. But I won't go back there. No way in hell I'm going back there. I'll find some way to kill myself before that happens. But then it looks like I won't have to. Gale places a night lock pill in my open palm. I just stare at it for awhile, amazed that they actually trust me with one. I pledge to myself that I'll only use it if I absolutely must. But what happens if they get Gale?

I ask him and he says that Beetee showed him how to detonate his arrows so that they'll explode in his hand. He says if it fails he's got his knife and Katniss. But that doesn't help because I don't believe for a second that Katniss would ever be able to kill Gale, even if he wanted her to.

She closes my fist around the pill. "Take it, Peeta." Her voice is strained but I don't know what's causing it. She looks away then, and tells me that no one will be there to help me. Then she walks away, getting under a pile of furs and pretending to sleep.

Everyone stirs throughout the night, but no one talks. Everyone is either sleeping violenty or not able to sleep, but no one wants to say anything. I sleep on and off throughout the night. I'll get a few hours and then wake up for another hour or so, it's so damn hard to sleep in these handcuffs hooked to the railing, but morning comes quicker than expected.

Tigris gets to work in the morning, dressing all of us up way better than we had the other day when we arrived. You'd have to remove our makeup and wigs to be able to identify us. And with all the refugees still pouring out of surrounding city blocks, no one will have time to even take second look. Tigris puts us all in makeup and different colored wigs. She gives Katniss and I, since we're the most in danger, a pair of colored contacts. She has green and I have a hazel looking pair. "Never underestimate the power of a brilliant stylist," I say to Tigris. It's my way of telling her how much I appreciate it all. She smiles at me and nods before looking out the window.

More and more people keep coming, and we know it's not long before a peacekeeper will knock on her door. Best to say goodbyes now.

Cressida and Pollux are out first. Katniss and Gale will go after them, and I'll trail.

Katniss takes off my cuffs and puts them in her pocket. I flex my wrists, twist them, stretch my arms, and then she tells me, "Listen, don't do anything foolish."

"No. It's last resort stuff, completely."

She fidgets, like she's unsure of her next move but then she puts her arms around my neck, and our faces are the closest they've been since she last kissed me, but I was barely conscious for that.

I hesitate at first, because I'm so used to any kind of contact being painful. But then I remind myself who this is and how I feel about her, then I wrap my arms around her and remember what it was like every time I did this before. I let go when she backs away from me, but I wish I didn't have to. This may very well be the last time we're this close.

This may very well be the last time we're both alive.


	27. The Vote

**A/N: Mockingjay is coming to a close. I do plan to write a post Mockingjay fanfic, so I'd like some pointers on what you'd all like me to do with it. Anything you want cleared up or any side story you want me to bring into it. **

Katniss pulls her red cloak over her blonde wig. "It's time," she says, kissing Tigris cheek. Then she and Gale are gone and I stand alone.

"You can come back if you need to." Tigris tells me, but I can't. It's too risky. So I just thank her for everything she's done and promise to do everything I can to make sure we get this mission done. She wants Snow dead just as much as the rest of us do, for some reason or another.

Katniss and Gale move quickly, and I struggle to keep up with them. They're also very hard to keep track of since they blend in so well. It's a good thing, but after an hour or so I finally got lost from them.

It bothers me a little that they're no longer in my view, because I can't create a diversion if I need to. But we're only two blocks from the city circle now, and I know that's where they're going. So that's where I'm headed. If I get there and there is some type of commotion, it's probably them. If there's not, then good, they're that much closer to killing him. Snow.

No one even gave me a second look until I got to the city square. Once there, I stood on my toes to try and locate a blonde girl wearing a red cloak and ridiculous looking fur coat over that, but I couldn't see one.

Then someone recognizes me. A little kid, maybe eight years old. He has brown hair and blue eyes, and freckles around his nose. He holds his mother's hand, but she isn't paying attention, she is talking to a man next to her, who I'm assuming is her husband.

He does a double take, like he recognizes me but doesn't know how specifically I am. He's shivering, and his parents are too. I'm actually not that cold and if I remove my coat I'll still be disguised well enough since I haven't got any weapons, so I take off the coat and hand it to him.

He tilts his head to one side, and I have no idea what makes me do it, but I lift one side of the wig, revealing my naturally blonde hair. He takes a step back and his eyes widen, and then he looks towards his mother.

Frightened, and kicking myself for being an idiot, I panic and prepare myself to run, but then the kid looks like he calms down. His mother still doesn't look at him, but he lets go of her hand and then points in the direction of Snow's mansion. I follow where he's pointing, but see nothing. He then mouths to me, "By the gate,". At least, that's what I think he says.

I look again, and then when I squint, I can barely see her between the people walking in different directions between she and I. I can't see Gale, but I'm hoping he's somewhere around there.

I start walking in that general direction, and plan to keep about a hundred feet back so as not to raise any suspicion. But then I see them, little silver parachutes floating down towards the children on the other side of that gate.

Surely, the Capitol hovercraft that dropped them wouldn't kill children, but something about them doesn't seem right. I walk more briskly now, and then I start running when they go off. Katniss is frozen in place, probably so shocked that she' s forgotten how to move. But then she sprints when she sees a rebel medic catch a parachute.

I recognize this rebel medic. It's Prim.

I'm sprinting now too, not caring what it looks like. But I don't think anyone notices because everyone's still very shook up from the first set of bombs going off, that they don't notice the second.

Time stops. Suddenly the only things in the world I see are Prim, being caught up in the explosion, and Katniss darting towards her. It weighs heavily on me that neither of us will get there in time.

The last thing I remember is the smell of burning flesh and an overwhelming amount of pain in my chest as I fell to the ground.

I awaken for the must be thousandth time in a hospital with tubes and machines all around me.

But this time I'm not afraid. The air feels lighter for some reason. I look down at my chest which is badly burnt, but I feel nothing so it occurs to me that I must be on a morphling drip.

The morphling sends me in and out of consciousness spanning the next several days, according to how many times I've seen the moon in the sky upon waking. But that might be a hallucination from the morphling. I wouldn't know.

Eventually, I wake up and Haymitch sits next to me.

"Good stuff, huh?" He says, motioning towards the morphling.

And again, I ask the question I care most about but not the one that would make the most sense. "Where's Katniss?"

He smiles an unfamiliar smile, one I haven't seen before. "She's fine. She's in a different area of the burn unit of the hospital we're in. She's still pretty stoned on morphling too."

"She got burned?" I saw her get burned, I don't know why I asked.

"She did, but you can hardly tell now. They did some skin graphs for her. Most burn areas just look like pink scars now, but they fade every day. They didn't do it to you because they need your permission first."

"No. I'd rather them heal on their own."

"Why?" He asks me, but I don't answer him. Instead, I ask him the questions that I should have asked first. Where I was, what was going on, all of it.

It turns out it's been two weeks since those bombs went off in the city circle directly in front of Snow's mansion. The bombs sealed the deal, the Capitol fell that day.

People were so frightened from the bombs that when the rebels finally moved in heavily armed, they all made way for them to get through. Peacekeepers were outnumbered by thousands, so they surrendered as well. The only ones that put up a fight were the ones guarding Snow, but rebels put bullets in their heads and eventually Snow was captured and now await's a trial and then, his execution which has been saved for Katniss per her deal for becoming the Mockingjay.

Cressida and Pollux were sent to cover any breaking news from other districts, where other rebel soldiers have been sent to squash any remaining pockets of Capitol supporters. Gale is in 2, but I didn't ask what he was doing there.

Katniss' mother and almost the entire team of medics from 13 came to Prim's aid immediately, but she didn't make it through the night. This news hits me hard.

This whole thing, Katniss' story entwining with mine, started on the day Katniss first volunteered to take her sister's place in almost certain death.

How did it end up like this?

I thank God Katniss is still alive, and Gale, as well as myself and all others. But it's a cruel world if Prim isn't here anymore.

The next week or so, I'm released from the burn unit but I'm given a room in the President's mansion by Coin to stay in. Haymitch shares it with me, because Dr. Aurelius, who just came in from 13, told him to keep me away from Katniss since we're both unstable right now.

Dr. Aurelius checks up on me everyday. He doesn't really ask much about my flashbacks or hijacking, just mostly about the fire and if it caused a slew of new problems, but miraculously, it hasn't. He doesn't talk about Katniss and I don't ask about her, until the seventh day of him coming to check up on me.

We get the news that Snow has been tried and sentenced for execution, but there's no surprise there. "Coin's going to keep her promise, right? Let her kill him?" I ask.

"Yes. I think it'd be a big mistake not to. And I'm hoping that might bring her back from…"

"From what?" I can tell that he said something that he wasn't supposed to. But it's too late now.

"From her…insanity."

"Insanity?"

"It isn't permanent. But she refuses to speak though all tests came back fine. She wanders around aimlessly. I think she might be looking for her sister even though she knows she won't find her. All her brain scans are okay though, and she responds normally to treatment. She's not delusional, so she'll be okay. It's just a matter of time. I just don't know how long it will take."

On the day of Snow's execution, Haymitch wakes me up early to tell me that there's some kind of mandatory meeting we're wanted at.

We sit in Snow's study, and when I first get there, I feel a flashback coming, but I grab the back of one of the chairs and I'm able to fight it off, though I still get the pounding headache and nausea from it. Haymitch sits down and instructs me to also. We sit around a table, and in the other chairs, are Enobaria, Johanna, Annie, and Beetee.

"Enobaria? What happened?" I ask her.

"After you guys were taken they let me go. Said they knew I didn't know anything all along and just did all of it to me to torture you guys."

Then Johanna says, "Nothing like watching your fellow tributes being tortured to death in the morning, is there Peeta."

I don't answer.

Katniss is the last one to walk into the room. She doesn't look like the Katniss that I last saw in the city circle. She's no longer dirty from travel, she's no longer scarred from injury. She looks just as beautiful as she always has, but she looks empty. She looks like she's not in her body, like she's a zombie. I'm wondering if she still refuses to speak. But then she says, "What's this?" Her voice sounds just as empty as she looks. Effie stands by her side, and though this should be a cheerful reunion, knowing she's alive, it's not. It's not the time.

"We're not sure," Haymitch answers Katniss, "It appears to be a gathering of the remaining victors."

"We're all that's left?" She says.

"The price of celebrity," answers Beetee, "We were targeted from both sides. The Capitol killed the victors they suspected of being rebels. The rebels killed those thought to be allied with the Capitol."

"So what's she doing here?" Johanna says of Enobaria.

"_She_ is protected under what we call the Mockingjay Deal," says Coin, coming into the room now. "Wherein Katniss Everdeen agreed to support the rebels in exchange for captured victors' immunity. Katniss has upheld her side of the bargain, and so shall we."

Enobaria smiles but then Johanna tells her, "Don't look so smug. We'll kill you anyway."

Johanna doesn't mean this, I don't think. But Johanna has the tendency to surprise people.

Coin tells Katniss to sit and she does. "I've asked you here to settle a debate," She says, and she goes on to tell us that Snow and other Panem oppressive government officials have been tried and await death or extreme punishment. But some victims want more. They want a final Hunger Games, in which Capitol children will be put into an arena for our entertainment. As payback.

She stops to gather her thoughts and I catch Katniss looking at my hand. I look there too, and I see the burn marks that I thought were only on my chest are on my left hand too. She traces the scar up my arm and then makes eye contact with me. But when we make eye contact, both of us look away. Then Coin goes on.

She tells us, "We hold another Hunger Games using Capitol children."

"Are you joking?" I demand.

"No, I should tell you that if we do hold the games, it will be known that it was done with your approval, although the individual breakdown of the votes will be kept secret for your own security."

Haymitch asked whose idea it was, and when Coin admits it was hers, I find that I was expecting that answer.

I can't believe anyone in this room would vote yes, but I'm proven wrong. "NO! I vote no, of course! We can't have another Hunger Games!"

"Why not?" Johanna snaps, "It seems very fair to me. Snow even has a granddaughter. I vote yes."

"So do I. Let them have a taste of their own medicine." Enobaria adds.

"This is why we rebelled! Remember?" I look at them. "Annie?"

"I vote no with Peeta. So would Finnick if he were here."

"But he isn't, Snow's mutts killed him" Johanna tells her. It doesn't change her mind, though the mention of the mutts bothers her and she looks down towards the table.

I look at Katniss then, who wears no visible sign of any emotion at all. She just sits there listening to us, waiting patiently. What could she possibly be thinking?

"No," Beetee says, "It would set a bad precedent. We have to stop viewing one another as enemies. At this point, unity is essential to our survival. No."

Well, Haymitch and Katniss will surely say no, so I breathe a sigh of relief.

But that feeling doesn't last long.

Katniss stares at a rose I just noticed was on the table. "I vote yes for Prim."

What? No way would Prim ever vote yes to a thing like this!

This isn't Katniss, it can't be! The girl that suffered so much at the hands of the Capitol for these very games? I'd be angry and heartbroken too if I weren't so shocked at her statement.

Haymitch agrees with Katniss, though it seems like he'd have gone with her no matter what she voted.

I still can't believe she voted yes. What purpose will this possibly serve?

I thought the whole reason we rebelled was because of an oppressive government. Moving the oppression from the districts to the Capitol won't change anything.

Coin stands up and says, "Excellent. That carries the vote. Now we really must take our places for the execution."

As she passes Katniss, Katniss hands her the rose that was on the table. Still showing no emotion, she says flatly, "Can you see that Snow's wearing this? Just over his heart?"

"Of course. And I'll make sure he knows about the Games."

I feel sick to my stomach.


	28. The Finale

**A/N: Ladies and Gentleman, the conclusion of Mockingjay:**

Katniss stands up and is ushered out of the room by Effie, Plutarch, and her prep team, touching up on any minor details. They probably need her to look like nothing has phased her, like she's still the same person who took Prim's place nearly two and a half years ago.

I don't see her again until the execution. There are steps leading up to the mansion from the city circle. Snow is tied to a post, but it isn't necessary. Where would he run to?

Katniss stands there, straight, holding her bow and single arrow, aimed at his heart, right where Coin had the rose placed. The rest of us, the victors, stand on the balcony, just a few stories above Katniss and Snow. I look out at the city, and the surrounding streets are filled with onlookers. There's a large audience anxiously awaiting someone's murder.

Coin has a smirk on her face, and I don't know why, but it makes me uneasy. She looks to be smiling for all the wrong reasons, but again, I might just be paranoid.

Johanna looks a little too happy as well. "Come on, through the heart. Through the heart," She says, eyes wide. I can't see any emotion in Annie's face or Beetee's but they both stand there folding their arms over their chest. Gale won't take his eyes off Katniss. Shocker.

Enobaria resembles the look on Coin's face, like death amuses her. You'd think she'd be more upset about all this, having been through torture. But then again, she was tortured at the hands of Snow, and she didn't even have any information.

Haymitch glances at Katniss every few seconds to be sure he doesn't miss the firing of the arrow, but he's also preoccupied with his flask being empty.

I see her fire the arrow, but instead of hearing cheers and shouts, there are gasps and screams, then complete silence. I don't realize what happened until I look to my left and see Coin, an arrow through her chest, falling over the railing of the balcony.

Everyone on the balcony runs over to look at the stairs she'd fallen onto.

She's bleeding from her arrow wound but also from her head, and her limbs all appear to be broken. If she wasn't killed instantly by the arrow, she's certainly dead now.

Obviously, now I know that Katniss chose to shoot her arrow through Coin's heart instead of Snows.

But why?

Did she miss? No, not possible. She never misses. And even _if _she did, there's no way she would have missed by several yards a few stories, _right _through Coin's heart.

No, this was intentionally done.

Only, did she go temporarily insane?

Was there some other underlying reason for it?

It's too chaotic now to ask questions.

Immediately I run, down the stairs and out the front door, scared to death that Katniss will be killed for her decision to kill Coin instead of Snow. But when I finally get out the front doors, that's not what's happening. Katniss reaches for her night lock pill and the horrifying moment comes when I know that she will take that pill and kill herself if I can't get to her in time.

Just before she tosses the little purple pill back, I close my hand over it and she ends up biting my hand. I yank it back, now holding the pill in my hand. "Let me go!" She screams at me.

It reminds me of before, when I begged her and everyone else to just let me die. I told her, "Katniss, please. Can't you see I want out of this?"

She didn't let me die and I won't let her die either, if my life depends on it. I've kept her alive this long, haven't I?

Our eyes lock, and another memory surfaces. In the tunnel. "Because that's what we do. We protect each other."

She tries to get out of my grasp. "I can't," I tell her, not letting her go. Holding on desperately to her.

But it's no longer up to me. Soldiers in gray grab her and drag her while she's kicking and screaming away from me. I try to go after her, wrestle their arms off of her, but even though my attempt would be pointless as there's no where to run, I couldn't try anyway. Because other soldiers are dragging me away too. The only thing I manage to do is get the pill away from her, and I watch it fall to the ground and get crushed to powder under someone's boot.

I'm taken to my room in the mansion, and the guards warn me that they'll be outside and to not try anything. They do allow Haymitch in, though.

He tells me that Snow died, no one was sure how. He either choked to death on his own blood or he was crushed by the crowd. "There's an emergency election in the study tomorrow, to elect a new leader."

"What difference does it make?" I shout, ramming my fist into the wall, creating a giant hole. "Really, Haymitch! Coin? Snow? They're all the same. Nothing changes here! We're all better off dead! I should have died after being shot here, in Snow's mansion. The dungeon underneath!" I scream still, now tossing everything I can across the room. I throw a lamp at his head but he successfully dodges it.

Then everything breaks down. The anger comes apart at the seams revealing only emptiness and hopelessness and fear. I throw myself onto the bed and can't stop the sobs from coming. He sits next to me but doesn't say anything. I don't blame him. This isn't his fault. What could he say?

"I wish I'd have just died. I wish you guys wouldn't have come for me."

"I used to think the same thing. That I'd rather be dead than the victor of the last Quarter Quell."

I look up at him now. "I lost more after the Games than I did during them."

"What?" I say, sitting up now.

"The Capitol took them from me."

"Who?"

"My family."

"Oh." I say, forcing myself to remain calm. I do the same thing I do when I'm getting a flashback. I repeat everything I know to be true in my head. I find a quiet place in the deep space inside my brain, and I focus on breathing. In. Out. In. Out.

Eventually the sobs stop. Haymitch tells me that when he refused to play by the Capitol's rules after the Games, they killed his parents and his girlfriend.

"That's why you've always been afraid of people." I say. He nods.

"It's over now, Peeta. There isn't going to be any more Games, we'll see to it. Rest up, vote's tomorrow."

He starts to walk out of the room, but he is staying here too. "Where are you going?"

"Now I've gotta go talk to the other one." He says, and I assume he means Katniss.

The next day I wake up and he's already awake, lying in his bed across the room, staring at the ceiling. "What happened?" I ask him, sitting up.

"They won't let me in. They want to have her trial first."

"Trial?"

"Don't panic. They won't kill her. Worst they'll do is keep her isolated and under Dr. Aurelius' care. She lost it. Everyone knows that. This country would go crazy if they killed her after all of this."

I'm still incredibly worried, but I have to put that aside for now, as we're wanted in the study.

All citizens of Panem are able to cast a vote. There aren't very many telephones in the districts, only in the mayor's house and victor's village. But we're told there are polling booths all over the town squares of each district, and then after the votes are tallied, the mayor of the district will call in to the Capitol to give that district's final result.

The next day, the same day of Katniss' trial, we find out that Paylor won by a landslide. She had my vote. She's honest and hard working and she's not obsessed with power. I couldn't think of a better President.

She and some of her commanders that have now become her adversaries, have discussed the new form of government with all district mayors and have come up with a plan.

She is the President, but the power isn't centrally located like it was for Snow and how it would have been had Katniss not had the guts to shoot Coin. Each district mayor makes the decisions regarding his or her district, and President Paylor only oversees their jobs. With power more local, and more widely distributed, an oppressive government is unlikely.

Still, to prevent the tiny possibility, a new vote will be cast every ten years, either re electing the old President or electing a new one. Every five years, a new mayor may be elected or re elected.

Paylor has ordered for all district fences to be taken down. She was interviewed and the interview was broadcasted on television. In it, she said, "Panem, all of it's land and all of it's natural resources, belong to the citizens of the country, not to a single person."

The remaining victors will not be showered in riches from the Capitol any longer, but we'll be paid what's called "reparations" for a period of five years, after that, we'll need to work to make money. All free markets and free trade is now not only legal, but encouraged for the new economy to grow and thrive.

District travel is now legal and encouraged as well. Citizens of any district may now travel freely anywhere they choose so long as they can pay for it, but with free market now legal and encouraged, it's not hard to afford.

Memorials have been ordered to be put up in the training center of the Capitol, in addition to all seventy five arena's.

The last thing I saw on television after Paylor's interview, was an image of citizens destroying a statue of President Snow in the city circle of the Capitol.

I watched the trial but wasn't permitted to speak because Haymitch said I was biased. True. Haymitch and Gale and her mother weren't allowed to speak on her behalf either.

In the end though, it turned out okay but Dr. Aurelius played the "shell-shocked lunatic" card for her and she was sentenced to confinement back in the currently under construction district 12 until further notice. She is also to remain under the doctor's care by phone. Oh, and Haymitch has to go with her.

The morning he leaves, he tells me, "Don't worry, I'll keep an eye on her."

It doesn't help much, knowing half the time he'll be drunk but Dr. Aurelius was told to keep me here until he was sure that I'd be stable enough to go back to 12.

"We don't need them killing each other." Haymitch told me, mimicking Paylor telling that to the doctor.

Over the next several weeks, Dr. Aurelius has me rewatch the tapes to refresh my mind and encourages me to paint and draw in his new office in the Capitol during my sessions.

Delly is still alive and moved back to District 12, and I'm encouraged by the doctor to keep in touch with her, by calling at least once a week. He tells me to talk about fond memories we have of our childhoods. He tells me to try and avoid talking about Katniss while talking to Delly. He tells me to focus on childhood memories, telling me that remembering a simpler time may help my mind erase untrue memories that I've yet to overcome.

Eventually, he gives me a release form that I'm to hand to Effie, who'll then make arrangements to get me onto a hovercraft to take me back to 12.

Before I leave, he says, "Just because you're stable now doesn't mean you're magically completely better. Remember how to control your flashbacks and how to avoid your triggers."

"I will."

"And tell that stubborn girl to call me. I can't keep pretending that I'm treating her forever. She _does _have to pick up the phone once in awhile."

I laugh. "Got it. I'll see that she does."

Effie cries when she drops me back off in District 12 but then I remind her that she can come anytime and she cheers up at the invite that felt kind of forced. She's kind of a lot to handle but every once in awhile it'd be nice to see her.

Back in the district, the first thing I do is take a tour of the place.

The Hob is back up but is now called a "farmer's market" where everyone trades their goods. There are still broken, burnt pieces of wood and ash is everywhere, but new paint and construction masks the smell of burnt ash from the district.

The school is back up though all grades are now being taught in just a few classrooms, with just a few teachers, as now there are just shy of one hundred children living here.

My family's bakery is gone, but most other merchant stores are as well. Some are rebuilding, and I know I plan to do the same and reopen my family's bakery. For now, I guess I can bake in my own house in the Victor's Village which I still get to keep.

Before going back to my house for the first time, I want to see her, but I can't. Greasy Sae comes out of Katniss' house as night falls and tells me that Katniss is sleeping. If Greasy Sae just left then I doubt that she is sleeping, but I don't argue.

Instead, I knock on Haymitch's door.

"Hey."

"Come in," he says, only slightly drunk tonight.

We catch up on what's been going on in the district, and he tells me to go out into the forest the next day. "It's weird, the meadow is turning green again, so I heard. Nobody's been taking care of it or anything."

I make a point to go and see that.

Before I leave for the night he tells me, "And Peeta?"

I turn around.

"Leave her alone for a few days, okay? She may still need some time."

I nod and shut his door.

The next morning I wake up very early, a few hours before dawn and head into the woods and spend a long time in the meadow. Haymitch was right, and the rumors he heard were true. The meadow _is_ turning green again. It's obviously not been seeded, and no one is taking care of it. It's almost like it's a sign of more peaceful times to come, but I know that's not possible.

Most of it is still black and charred. But there are patches of new grass in different areas of it, and no one can explain how.

On my way back, a little after dawn, I walk by different bushes of evening primroses and I know what I have to do.

To pay tribute to Prim, I dig some of them up and take them to Katniss' house in the Victor's Village.

She wakes up and comes outside when I'm about halfway done planting them in her front yard.

She looks horrible, like she just gave up on life. She's got no color in her face, she's thinner, her hair is matted and she just looks like she's got no will left.

And still, I have to fight the urge to run up and hug her. She eyes the bushes. "You're back."

"Dr. Aurelius wouldn't let me leave the Capitol until yesterday. By the way, he said to tell you he can't keep pretending he's treating you forever. You have to pick up the phone."

She spends a long time analyzing me, and I'm wondering if it's because she still doesn't trust me. I still wouldn't blame her.

She tries to get the knots out of her hair and she angrily asks me what I'm doing.

"I went to the woods this morning and dug these up, for her. I thought we could plant them along the side of the house."

I have no idea why I said "We" and "_the_ house" instead of "_your _house."

She nods but then nearly runs back into the house, slamming the door shut, and I hear a clicking sound that tells me that she locked it as well.

As I walk back to my own house, a part of me wonders if we'll divert back to the way we were with each other after the first games. Not so much as a nod to say hello.

Will we pretend like nothing happened? Like we're strangers?

Or are we too damaged? Maybe the two of us are just beyond any kind of hope for a normal or at least semi-normal life.

Only time will tell.

**A/N: Suzanne Collins' novel doesn't end here. She skips from this part to Katniss going hunting and then to them eventually falling for each other again. But since I'll be writing a post-Mockingjay, pre-epilogue story after this, my version of Mockingjay ends here. Thank you so much for your support and reviews and I hope you like the coming story as much as you liked the last three.**

**My post-Mockingjay story, "Deliverance", has now been posted. The first chapter is up. I also recommend these other post-Mockingjay fanfics: "The Way Back" By Katnissinme. Also, "Grow Together" by Miss Scarlet.**


End file.
